Dear Delysia,
I was determined today. I was determined to be positive, grateful, thankful and happy. I didn't do that well on it. I am not really happy about it. I am disappointed with myself on it. I can't always be looking at the bad. There are good things that I am missing.
This morning, started out with me looking on FaceBook and seeing all these beautiful memories of me and Tristan. I looked through all 56 pics that I have uploaded of him in them. I was so happy in those pics. Tristan looked happy in the pictures too. It was funny, we went to Boise Idaho for a short vacation. At the end of the vacation, he bought me a Teddy Bear, Sunshine. He just pulled it out of no where. He told me that he wanted me to have it because he knew that I liked stuffed animals. I remember that I was so surprised by his generosity. Tristan wasn't a man that liked to spend money, let alone spend money on people he didn't know that well. Tristan and I didn't actually know each other that well. We just decided to take a trip for fun and meet up with friends in Boise Idaho.
I remember that on our way home, I was half asleep and he was driving. I asked if he wanted to hang out the next day. He told me that he didn't want to hang out. I asked him if he had to work. He told me that he didn't have to work till 3 pm. So I asked if he wanted to chill at noon. Then he told me this:
"Josh, I don't want to hang out with you because it will have been the 4th day in a row that I'd be hanging out with you. I would think that we'd be in a relationship."
"Oh, so when you say that you feel like you're in a relationship if you hang out with the same person for more than 4 days, do you mean friendship or boyfriend/girlfriend?"
"Boyfriend/girlfriend."
"Oh, OK."
I remember that I was silent the rest of the night. I was so confused about that response. I didn't call or text him for a week. The irony of that whole thing was, he was so sad that I didn't text or call him. He was wondering if I was mad at him. I told him that I wasn't mad, I just didn't want him to think that I was coming on to him. I wasn't, I just really enjoyed hanging out with him. He was really fun. Truth be told, it was sort of like a new thing to hang out with a dude for me. I never had guy friends. It was like trying out a new toy or pair of shoes or a new bike. I never had one before. Why I liked Tristan so much was, when I hung out with him, I never felt judged by him. I felt he wanted to hang out with me because he wanted too. I felt like he liked me for me and not because of all the girls I knew or hook ups that I had. Though, as time went on, Tristan got a lot of flak for being my friend by his roomies, his ward members and people who saw us hanging out together in the community.
Eventually, people thought that he was gay and that we were dating. Tristan had never been attacked by so many people before and decided that being my friend wasn't for him. He stopped talking to me and even accused me of trying to ruin his life by making people think that we were dating. He once blamed me that the reason why he was single was because of me. No girl wanted him because of me.
I know, you're probably thinking, good riddance! That guy was a total dick and was super mean to you. The truth was he told me that he never felt loved or cared for by his family. He shared with me that he never really had friends or even a best friend and he just wanted to feel like he was important. So, I decided that I would try my hardest to be the best friend that I could be to him. I wanted was a guy friend that was active in the church and didn't judge me.
I've erased him from my life Delysia. I deleted him off FaceBook and from my phone. Though, there are times that I miss him a lot. I still love him a lot. But I look at those pics with no yearning, just sorrow that he was never in a place where he could be a good friend to me.
Then I heard that a good friend of mine, his cousin killed himself at 17. He was gay too. He was in such shock and had a hard time. It is a shock for me too. It is a shock to see that someone so young and so desperate felt the need to end their life. It brings me back to the place in my heart that remembers the moments when I tried to end my life too. I remember all the plans and the moments when I tried and almost did it. I remember 6 months ago thinking of the plans and getting rid of my things. I remember God telling me that that is not something I should be doing.
What it also triggered was my fear to go to a Family Ward. I am told that I should get involved with the youth. But how am I supposed to interact with the youth, if parents know that I'm a pineapple and complain to the leadership. I imagine being told by parents or leadership that people think that I'll hurt their kids, influence them or become a predator at them. Church has never been a place of refuge for me or my family. We go because we made promises to go and we know it's true. Though, it is often dangerous to interact with a Ward when you don't fit the mold of propriety. I can function in a single ward, but interacting in a Family ward scares the crap out of me. It just seems like a more lonely path. It seems more like outside looking in and being purposely separated from the rest of the group.
.......... I haven't cried in a long time....... It usually comes in cycles...... I am not looking forward to my birthday for tomorrow.
..... I can't hide anymore. I waste so much energy with trying to paint on this illusion of who I want people to see. They don't see the real me. But, my beauty and youth is fading... I can't hold on to my 20's anymore. I need to embrace reality.
On my way to work, there is a beautiful nest of Sparrows. Today, the parents were acting really weird. The babies had fallen out of the nest. Because it was really hot and windy, all the babies died on impact. They landed on concrete and dried out by the hot sun. The parents were really stressed out today. There was one chick still alive, but will probably pass at the end of the day. I will bury them tomorrow when I go to work.
..... I don't really feel anything Delysia. I am just here. Traci says that I should stop resisting things that will bring me peace. I want more than that. Cory Beth was really happy today because he did so well in his presentations! Traci is content with his life as well. For the most part, all things are working out for the ones I care for so much.
Soon, I will find more to cling to.
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