Frustration

Dear Delysia,

Today has been rough. My life is good. I have good things in my life. I just have been feeling sick, I have been feeling tired. I have been feeling left out.

Traci came back from vacation and was really excited for his blessings to come true. Though, it seems like things have changed. I am not sure yet, though, I have not looked that way yet. I am starting to feel more and more like the blessings may not come this month as they have been told that they could.

I have been sort of stressed out about that. I want those blessings to come just as Traci would. Though, he wants them more than I do. It is about him. It is funny, because he spoke me last night and just shared all his feelings about this whole situation. He was happy, then sad, then mad, then frustrated and then ended the conversation with hope, resilience and determination to move forward with faith, no matter what.

Traci told me that he could see J coming back in a later time in his life. He said that he would probably see what could be done with 80. If J doesn't come this time, she'll come later in his life. That makes a lot of sense to me. I feel good about that idea. I have felt good about all that Traci has ever shared with me about his blessings. His answers always come to him first, rather than to me. I just confirm with my gifts. Traci did also mention that he really wants to have a relationship with God where he can just rely on Him and hear and understand His will as I do. I was really shocked by this. Traci is jealous of me and my life? Traci just shared that he is not sure how I am able to speak with God and understand Him, and yet Traci struggles to understand. I think that is what Traci needs to learn, how to build a good relationship with God. I do too. Mine isn't that great either, but I hear His voice better than Traci does.

What really impressed me was Traci's resolve to stay true to faith. He told me to wait until I felt that I needed to reach out to J and find out for us both. He is a good man! He is behaving how I have seen him be before! I see him being a man of God, full of faith, charity, hope and kindness. He'll save so many people. I am happy that he is demonstrating his faith and working stuff out. He does well, when he has an opportunity to share how he feels and then he comes to his resolve. Traci is adorable!

The Orchids and I are so very blessed. We've seen so many miracles come to us so far. Cory Beth moved to a random city and state and all of a sudden, his best friend from Cali was living there too working, Troy. I have noticed that miracles can often seem like coincidences. But I have learned there is no such thing as that. All things move with purpose. Traci received signs, people showing up and healing. I have found a good sense of healing as well. God has shown His hand in our lives then I think we realize. I like to talk about it to keep myself reminded of how merciful He has been to us.

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I have been feeling the itch lately today. I want to have you visit me. But I can't. I only have your shoes. I don't have anything else of yours. All my FaceBook memories come up with you plastered all over the place. It brings me back to the days when we hung out a lot. I miss you so much! I felt so wonderful when I was with you Delysia!

My birthday is coming up in 6 days and I am just sad. I feel old, worn out, fat, ugly. I have been talking to myself in a really ugly way. I have been feeling lonely and itchy. I want to have a Happy Panda Day, I want to go on a date, I want to dancing, I want to feel beautiful and worthwhile...

The thought comes to my mind that I should go to the Temple. I think that might be a good thing, though... I want something more tangible than that. So many people are moving on in their lives, I just feel left behind. I feel like standing on a high tower, watching the days, months, weeks, hours pass me by because the way society works, I cannot work in. It is a choice that I have freely made. I am content with the choice I have made. I just feel stagnant and alone. All good things come at a price. I imagine that being alone is the hardest price to pay in most regards.

I want Sniffles to be here to mew mew mews and purr purr purrs. I want to have carefree life. I do for the most part, have a carefree life. It's just that there isn't anything to really strive for, other than to be a blessing to others. I just feel.... unsatisfied.... I wake up to see pics of my nieces and nephews, I go to work, seeing kids, couples, talk about kids, grand kids, and spouses. I drive to run errands and see couples and love all over the place. I am unsatisfied with my life. I am grateful for it, but it's sort of lame.

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I had a good chat with my Mission Pres. He was so curious about my life and how I stay strong with my pineapple status. I told him, I am one of the lucky ones. I have had to fight for who I was my whole life. I am really not that thirsty. I have had to fight for the position that I'm in, so I am content. He shared with me that he loved me and that he'll always be around to help me. I feel really lucky that he's so willing to be supportive. He lives far away from me, but I am happy he cares.

I try so hard not to be consumed by this piece of me. I hate that is plagues a lot of the rest of my life. I hate it. I read a post on Affirmation about how a person was treated very poorly. He was called names and sent away very firmly. It sucks that he was treated so horrible, yet all these other pineapples all rallied, ready to burn down the leaderships homes. My only suggestion for him was to tell him to let it go. Is there truth in the words that were spoken to him? Probably. Is he unwilling to change because he feels like he is perfect the way he is? Probably. ... It just sucks Delysia. I wish often that I could just die or be normal. Then my thoughts wouldn't seem so pathetic and whiny. At least my complaints and concerns would be a majority, not a minority of after thought.

There is no glorified stories about singledom. There is no praise worthy stories about nuns. There is no wonderful stories about how single men can be societies heros. They are shunned and are after thoughts.

..... I don't feel cheated. That is always a relief. I just feel very uninterested in life in general. HAHAHAHA....


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Tomorrow, I am going to the temple with Toni, a good friend. We'll enjoy each others company, eat din din, go dancing, do facials... enjoy the time in SLC. Then, I'll be headed to Cali with BBK and Reid. I think Traci will be in Cali at that time. I am not sure if he will be. I am not sure that I'll see him at all. That's OK. He's busy getting married. I need to wrangle a life of my own.