Reality for All

Dear Delysia,

Today was a somber day. I didn't go to church because I am sick. Though, I think I could have if I drugged myself up more than what I had already have done. I am not trying to be the best person that I can be. I need to change.

It's funny, I am not sure what I am supposed to do beyond helping people along the way. What purpose is there for a magical nun? To be anxiously engaged in a good cause, I do. Perhaps, it's just me talking crazy talk because I'm sick. Or, it is just me being realistic of what is and what is not.

The irony about discernment is that, it is meant for you to see what is truth and what is not. Some, may think that it is being negative or being drawn to be a pessimist. Though, that may be true in some degree, I think I've been given a very real ability to see what is and what is not. I have been advised that it is always best to let others dream and chase after those dreams, let reality be the dream killer. Never be the dream killer. I think that I'm good at supporting and encouraging others to fight for what can be. I think that is wonderful. Though, it has nothing to do with me. It's like giving a potted plant a drink of water because it looks droopy. Will I walk this path again? No. Will that plant find strength and live on for another day? Yes.

When I think of the wonders that can be for me, I see nothing but darkness. I see myself and my role in the lives of others in films and shows. Spell casters, mystics, mythical are never main characters. They are meant to be support characters. They have all the power, but cannot do anything with it, other than to support the main character. I suppose, it is meant that I live in seclusion, in the mountains somewhere. I'll have an immaculate garden of herbs, vegetables, flowers, shrubs and trees. I 'll live near a mountain river, with plenty of sun, animals and the sweet scent of nature. Perhaps, there will be a rumor spread across the community that a witch or sage lives in the woods, past the sentinels of  Wood, Fire, Water and Stone. I shall live a life of solitude, and venture down to do Temple and family history work. Some people may seek me out, but I think for the most part, I'll stay hidden, veiled from most people.

I had a great conversation with Cory about this idea. He thinks that it's against my nature to be in solitude. He doesn't know me well enough. I could be alone, in the wilderness. I could disappear anywhere and be completely happy. It is interacting with people that is painful. All interactions that I have with people have expiration dates with them. In this life, everything ends. This world is full of endings. Where there are beginnings, there are endings. Though, it is against our nature to believe in endings. Since we are eternal beings having a physical experience, it is against our nature to endure the endings of life. The orchids are indeed blessed. They are loved and supported for the rest of their life. Once they find their wives, it shall never end. I won't have anything to offer them, that they would really want. Friendship, seems to me like salt and pepper on food. Food tastes better with neither, when prepared correctly, it's just nice to have it. What can I offer orchids once they have all their needs met? Nothing... I offer them wind in the clouds. Cory rebuttal-ed with, does our friendship end or just change. I sort of scoff at this idea from him. Cory has no real substantial friends, beyond me. That will change when he starts dating. Cory doesn't want friends, he wants and equal, a wife. Trevor wants the same thing.

It is funny, because Trevor says that friendship is a priority for him. Yet in the same breath, he has no friends. The only one that he has left, is me. At least that is what he has shared with me. I don't even live near him. He shared that all his friends fell off the wagon when he started dating J and 80. Now that he has allowed for most all of his friendships die, he has the courage to say to me that friendship is a priority. Friendship is only a priority  when there is nothing else to look forward, a after thought of your main goal. Something that is supplemental, but not a main source of anything.

... Friendship is all that I have. Yet, it is and will always be very temporary.

Though, I will say that the more that I hear of the drama of others and their relationships, I think, perhaps I have the better deal. I won't deal with all their concerns and worries. given that info, they should probably stop asking for advice. I have no real life experience of dating. I have just watched and observed.

Delysia, thank you for listening to me. I am in the wrong perhaps when I say some of these things. I am happy that you don't judge me on my thoughts, or that you'll listen. You have time for me and it means the world to me. Thank you!