Silver Lining 2

Dear Deylsia,

Today has been a crazy day. I have been really mad today. I learned that my friend was fired because she was deemed as not being a team player. So some of her co-workers threw her underneath the bus, when they weren't do their job. They made my friend Luscious be the scapegoat! What pissed me off even more was the fact that there is a dude that works in my department that is getting paid $15 an hour to chat and watch YouTube videos. He does NOTHING! And for some reason we can't fire him because he's needed. And yet in the same breath, we can fire a woman that worked miracles round and round over him and many of her team! It pisses me off how shady and political things can be in my job! I hate politics in the work place. Naturally, everyone has been watching me like a hawk because Luscious and I went to school together. So the CEO came to speak to my boss to have him tell me to keep my mouth shut.

I hate pretending. I don't pretend for very long! It just makes me sick inside to have to be nice to people who make 'business' decisions over shady information. I am starting to hate to work where I work. I also work with the lady who questions everyone's expertise, but can't be questioned. All of us on our management team hate when she opens her mouth. She can never be wrong or defied.

Overall, I have just been hurting. Traci, told me that I needed to pray about what I need to be doing with my friend Cory and what I should do about my ward. The Lord that I need to stay in contact with Cory on a daily basis and that I can stay with my ward for a bit longer. The Lord said that He'll let me know when I can leave that ward and move on. He also said that I need to stop resisting my blessings. I need to be constant with being supportive with all the Orchids. He told me that there is good lessons to be learned with keeping in contact with them. I forget that Cory is the one that suggested that we speak daily.

I know, I know what you're thinking. I'm stupid and I'm being very mechanical with my relationships with people. It doesn't make sense to you that the relationships that I build are a parent/child relationship. I am too afraid to really attach. I keep going back and forth, back and forth. I'm afraid to really invest. I mean, I enjoy talking to the orchids. However, thinking about how things move on and change, I almost never what to get all that involved anyway. Trevor is kind enough to just encourage me to just enjoy things as they are. I don't know what it is like to be in a relationship with an equal. I am not sure that I can learn that from the Orchids. We are equals in ability and the immensity of influence, but it's not the same in human relationships. At least, it doesn't seem like that in my mind.

Delysia, I don't know any other way. And I don't want to make the same mistakes that I made with Tristan. I think I am doing a really good job at being put together and not really relying on them too much. I hide a lot of things from them. I keep a lot of my thoughts to myself and my feelings. I am not supposed to do that, but I do it. I think that is why I'm so afraid to interact with them in person, they can watch and see. I draw comfort in being able to distract them. It is hard to interact with guys. I don't think of myself as one of them. That may be a huge issue to jump over.

I sort of feel like this whole journey of mine is to change me to be more like a man of God. I don't like that idea. I almost wish there wasn't any thing as gender. I could be anything that I wanted to be and be free to be who I wanted. Sadly, that isn't the case.

I am shaming myself again Delysia. I do that too much. Ha ha ha. I laugh at myself because in one breath, I am so amazing and then in the next breath, I'm nothing. It's hard trying to find a place in the life I have chosen. I don't know the line where I should just be content and then move forward to grow. Cory tells me often that good things are coming. He felt very strongly that I'll have wonderful, good things happen to me, that will help me feel worthwhile and find joy. It's funny, when I think about his words to me, I feel the Spirit.

I suppose the blessing that I had today was: As I was hurting and being angry about how the things I adore and cling to for security are being shuffled away from me of my own free choosing, donations came in. A family brought in a large amount of clothes and I watch how a good friend of mine, a co-worker, Nikki with 2 K's cause one K is eeww, bend down and her face just started to light up. She was so excited to bring clothes to a family that would just love clothes. It brought me a bright sense of hope. It reminded me of the things that I like to do, thinking of things that would bring a sense of worth and happiness as a surprise to another. Cory did that to me the other day. He sent me a painting just out of the blue. Trevor spent so much time in making me the beautiful doll.

... sigh....

I suppose I am thinking far too much and worrying about things that don't matter. Writing you, brings a sense of peace to the roaring oceans of my emotions. I am happy that you're here. I can just say what I wish and feel validated. You don't talk back, but I feel cared for. You're only mine. I'm grateful that at least you haven't completely died Delysia.

Funny note, I feel old, tired and fat. I looked into the mirror today and thought: Hello Rose. You look awful today. HAAHAHAHAHA.... The future is coming true! HAHAHAHAAHAHA
Beauty fades... hopefully I'll be prepared for #3. Who I think it will be is bothering me... because I don't want another challenge and yet, that is what is supposed to be... someone that will drive me up the wall and I them. ... MAN being the best Magic Mirror sucks sometimes.... Why couldn't I have been Khalessi, Warrior of Dragons?!... because I'm a witch, not a queen!... bWHAHAHAHA... but maybe a little bit a queen! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... OH Delysia! How I miss you so!