June 12, 2016

Dear Delysia,

Today was a good day. It was a struggle nonetheless, but was good. This morning there was news that a shooting had occurred in Orlando Florida. The shooting was done in a gay club. 50 people had been reported to be dead with another 45 had be critically injured. Shootings happen all the time. I was trying to think to myself, why the news thought that this one was so important compared to the many other shootings that happen in the country. I was also thinking to myself, it's getting to a point where places are not safe. Society seems to becoming very desensitized to violence and corruption among the ranks of our society.

I had a dream last night about going on a date with Peter. I dreamed that I would go on a date, that he would be really interested and then we'd become exclusive. He would be hurting and I would be the type of person to help him heal, to help him feel loved. I would become very emotionally, intellectually and spiritually connected to him. Then he would want to make the relationship between us far more closer and intimate. He'd want to do the nasty with me. I would resist him, but then would probably come to a point where I would either need to give in or leave him. An ache came to my heart. I woke up. I feel like this was a flash of what could be with Peter. It also made me think, I cannot date. The whole point of dating is to try and see if you would be willing to build a world with that person. I could build a world with Peter. I could be happy. I could make him happy. But, at what price? The price would ruin me. I would pay for that mistake for the rest of my life, like my father or step-dad before me. I do not what to ever have to make that type of mistake where I paid for it for the rest of my life. In the lifestyle of any intimate relationship, physical appetites is something that is always involved. I cannot indulge in that. That is not what I want. I want to feel connected with another with mind, heart and soul. I'm afraid that can never be. There are so many absolutes in my life, with no leeway. My date with Peter was supposed to be today. But I told him that I had other plans that I had forgotten about.

Cory had texted me today, saying that he was still really sick and wanted to know if I had gone on the date with Peter. I ignored his inquiry and told him that I was sorry to hear that he was still ill. He then told me that since he's been sick, it reminds him of being with his X. I had sent him pics of my babies and my little girl Sniffles. I told him that Sniffles had magic powers and that he could draw on her powers. Cory then told me that he was looking at the picture of Peter. He told me that Peter scares him because he see's a dark countenance about him. He also assumed that I went on the date with Peter when I dodged the question. Then I asked him what that means, what does it mean that he has a dark countenance? Cory ignored that question and said that he was sad that I was dating. He told me he was really sad because God told me not to, and I was doing it anyway. He was confused at how I am supposed to get revelation or help him or Trevor if I am going against what I've been told. He said that it made him really sad to think about all of that. That PISSED ME OFF so much! Cory doesn't understand ANYTHING! That statement made me think, that he doesn't care about anything but whether or not he gets the benefits of my abilities. It makes him sad that he can't get the help he needs from me because I'm unworthy. He might as well have said that! He knows nothing! Cory is such a selfish, typical man. He reminds me so much of Tristan, that I can't even stand to talk, listen, or read the texts of what Cory has to say. It's like he needs my approval, but yet doesn't care about that, as long as he gets what he wants, when he wants it and then off he goes to conquer for his joy and pleasure! I then told him that I appreciated his text. I also called him and told him in a voicemail that I was fine, I didn't go on a date and that things were alright. He then later texted me 4 hours later and said he likes to be free of his X because it reminds him that his life is a lot better than it was. He was abused for 4 months, not a childhood. He could have left at anytime, I couldn't. He knows nothing of pain and suffering as I do! He has had every opportunity to find and sustain relief because he's so 'perfect'. He isn't barred to live a life as he freely chooses in the Kingdom of Mormons as I am. I feel my heart starting to resent him. He is so self-centered and self-interested. His wife is not in Minnesota right now. Yet, he still goes on dates to fill his time and appetites. He doesn't know how to be friends with anyone of value, unless they are models or bro's. He enjoys the company of mud puddles. I feel in my heart that I am resenting him. I have been fooled by another Tristan because I believe that he can change. I believe that he'll care. I believe that things will work out. I don't believe that much anymore. He can take what he wants from me. I will offer it freely. But I shall not love him any longer. He's so amazingly perfect and has all the answers he needs. I secretly enjoy that he's sick. I hope that he suffers and has bad dreams of how none of the things that he wants will come true, because he's a dick! I hope he dreams of having to be alone. Then he'll taste the bitter cup that I drink from! I know... I know.... that is really dark and extreme.... I just can't bare to feel like I am loving someone that doesn't care, especially when I have given him all that I have. I won't endure another Tristan moment! I don't care who it is.

Trevor had his talk with his X, 80. He said it went really well. I am happy for him. He was really feeling the spirit after his talk with her. I am happy that the Spirit was there. Trevor advised that Cory doesn't know better, that he's learning and that I need to have patience with him. Trevor also gave me a promise and a warning. He promised that the ache and loneliness that I feel will go away. That I will no longer feel cheated. He promised that this would happen soon. I imagine that it will happen when Trevor's blessings come true too. Trevor said that J will come back one way or another. He was really happy though, that once Lake Powell is over that they will really talk and resolve some more things. He also said that he'll be in contact with her this week as well. He spoke as if he never broke up with her. Though, he is happy and content with what is going on. It is so interesting to see how people change for someone they want to spend the rest of their life with. I just want him to be happy. I'm at a point that I don't care who he marries. I have already come to terms with the either decision made.

Trevor also complimented me really nicely. He told me that while he was in Priesthood, they were talking about how Muhammad Ali, the boxer was so great. He was great for this and that. The end of the thought for Trevor, was that great people teach other people to be great. Great people help others to be great as well. I took that as, that is what I'm doing. I have been a blessing to so many people. Friendship is all that I have. There are no hidden agendas behind my kindness. I just want to enjoy the company of others. I am less concerned about where they come from and what they do for a living, so much as who they are. That is all that I have. I was really grateful for the compliment. Trevor then told me that I was great, and that he loved me. This time, when he told me that he loved me, he just said, "I love you."

This is a very different thing, because he didn't classify it as he usually does with, I love you friend. He just said that he loved me. I am very appreciative and thankful for Traci being my BFC. I just love him because he's a wonderful human being and grand child of God. I have been so grateful for his kindness towards me.

It is weird not having the Coopers home today. They are all out of town. I went to dinner with a new friend. We'll see how that goes. I chilled with me roomie and just slept. Tomorrow is a new day. I still have a long way to go to be the best person I can be. There is so much damage that has to be undone on me. It hurts. It hurts a lot... and I'm trying not to give up. Trevor shared with me something very interesting. He said that in my letters that I have allowed him to read, that I only see the negative in normal men and I only see positive things in pineapples and women. I responded that I can relate to those two groups than I can with the normal men. I do an huge injustice by looking at men like that. It is hard not to, given that men are the main source of all of my pain and suffering in my life experience. I think sometimes that I treat Cory unfairly because of my natural inclinations. It is hard to go against the grain.... I need some more Temple time... sigh....