Happiness and a sense of belonging is really all that we all yearn for and want in this life. It is the simple joys of family and time that bring this all to pass in my mind. I really didn't accomplish much except bond with my family and my little girl sniffles and that was enough. As I drove home from my families home, I was drawn to the feelings and people that I was leaving. I missed them. I missed my mom's kind voice of love and compassion. I missed my sisters' teasing and I missed my brothers trying to fix and make things work. I missed my little brother not being there because of where and what he is doing for his beliefs.
It wasn't until the end that I realized that there was a serpent in paradise. My brother is driving his wife and kids away because he refuses to believe that he has a problem.
To his defense, he wasn't really shown any other way to treat his family but with mean actions, negative words and anger. He and my step-dad are very similar to that, and they got along the most. Though the real underlying of his personality traits seem to have been implanted by our father. Those those traits flowered into being by the cruelty of our step-dad.
Though, my sister and myself aren't really like that so much. Though, we did not escape the poison of our step-father, I like to think that we clung to the good traits of our mother. Mother was always very encouraging, fair, kind and endearing. She was always patience and supportive. Mr. Step was the very opposite. To Mr. Step, he didn't know better either... he was treated the same.
As I have tried to wrap my head around the vicious cycle of abuse. That is what it is: abuse. I see why it is difficult to cut it out of the life of our families. We aren't taught any better. I find myself being very negative and looking at the bad side of things just like Mr. Step and have a hard time getting over it because that is all that he ever did, was being negative. But it is my goal to not allow that ugly about him to be engrained in me.
I feel for my siblings. As the oldest child, I feel somewhat responsible for their welfare and well being. Though, as they are married with families of their own, I know my influence is limited, I wish that they would always be happy by avoiding as much heartache in this life by observing the mistakes of others and not repeating those mistakes.
It's ironic really, my family seems to not be able to get away from that horrible monster of abuse. We either are attracted to people that have those traits or we are the perpetrator... My mom married an abuser knowing full well that he would one day hit her, but she married him anyway because she loved him. My sister in law married my brother fully knowing he was a turd, but because she loved him, she married him... after 2 years of dating. My sister married a man who was raised by a man who treated woman as inferior, spoken words and actions were very demeaning. Consequently, her husband doesn't have the skills to handle stress or handle a woman who is just as strong as a man in word and deed and belittles them. I just got rid of a friend who treated me like shit, even though he claimed to love me. I put in most of the effort and he betrayed me by throwing all my weaknesses in my face on the pretense of being for my good.... we all have been plagued by this monster.
Now that half of the battle is over, what am I to do? I'm afraid my other siblings don't see this situation as well as I do, they weren't put in situations where they needed to be very self-aware. We are all to blame for the poor choices we have made and to some degree, we knew better. But I am determined to believe that we are strong enough and good enough to overcome this monster that seems to have plague our family for generations. The solution to me seems to be able to recognize my own faults and fix them.
I am no stranger to cruelty. I have my own set of weapons that I use to defend myself. Though as I've grown older and have strived to be as wonderful of a person as my mom has tried to be, they are of no use. You cannot burn fire with fire. You must douse the flames yourself by choice or douse the flames with your tears, either way, fire does not destroy fire, they merely burn each other out... leaving nothing but ash. I have determined to treat everyone with kindness and love...even those I do not like. But I will also protect myself. I will not allow abusive people to come to me or my family if I can help it. I am a firm believer that love is far more powerful than water. Water will douse the flame, but love will suffocate the flames of it fuel.
As the oldest brother, I must treat them with love. I know they can change and find the strength to eliminate this monster in their lives IF they choose to. But even more, I must eliminate it from my life as well.
I believe that if we want love, kindness and a sense of belonging, we must first be those things in order to have them, otherwise they cannot survive in an environment that those things cannot live in.
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