I don't trust other people with my feelings... I don't trust them with my heart... I don't trust them to handle me with care...
As I have grown up, my limited experience in life of 30 years, I've known a lot of hardship. Perhaps that hardship is relative to a child in Syria, but no more real. My family seems to be plague with abuse. We either find people whom with love and care for who treat us with such behavior or we are the perpetrator. For me, I found a friend who I thought I could be myself, share who I was, allow him to love me as I am. He betrayed me and threw all my wrong doings and mistakes in my face while I was trying to have a moment of closeness.
Betrayal didn't hurt as much as I thought it would have. The heart dies a slow and painful death. It is like a withering tree, it first sheds it's flowers, leaves and then soon there is nothing left inside but a husk of an empty shell. I'm afraid I'm so used to that feeling that I don't notice the withering.
My best friend betrayed me. I have nothing from him but lessons of heart ache and pain. Though, I put in my all, love from me wasn't enough for him to realize that. I loved him. I loved him with all my heart as a sibling. Now that I've come to terms with his abusive nature, I cannot allow him to trample on me any longer. I allowed him to trample on me, but no longer. I think the hard part about all of this, is that I must walk away and pretend that there is nothing left. It seems that the only way to remove yourself from an abusive situation is to leave and never look back.
I have deleted his numbers and pictures of the things that we've done together, but yet have deleted his Facebook...
I know, I'm a stupid bitch...
... I don't want to start again with another person...
... I just want to believe that I can find someone else who will care for me and love me as I have strived to love them...
... But there is no such thing as charmings or princesses... not even evil is born, it is created...
My solace seems to be that I have my family and have the realization that I'm an amazing person with all I have to offer.
One day, everything will be made right. One day, all the efforts to find the good in all situations will pay off and that I will enjoy this journey of being a better me.
Until time heals my wounds, I will listen to the idea that one day I will find this someone as Betty speaks of.
:)
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