This year has been quite the journey for me: Spiritually, Mentally, Physically... The journey has it's ups and downs. I suppose the most of what I've discovered and have tired to remedy is the feeling of inadequacies of the lack of intimacy in my personal life.
Intimacy is more than just physical interaction with another... in my mind it's the bond of thought and emotion to the core of our being. I find that I'm far too guarded to allow any of that to happen. A part of me is consigned to belief I don't deserve it, a part believes that I need it or die a slow, aching death. It's funny... the very thing I'm afraid of seems to be the only remedy. Quaint how life always allows for the weaknesses and small things in life be the anchors to the soul. It drives me CRAZY!
What really gets me is deep down I don't feel I deserve/worthy of love. Yet it is Love that I'm afraid of and pine after! I freely give my time, talents and abilities to others that they may feel a piece of my love, yet I don't allow for the love to be expressed back to me...at least not fully.
So what have I been doing to fix this?
1: There is a co-worker that sort of took a liking to me. He told me the reason he likes to talk to me is because he believes that I'm a good person inside. He told me that he knows that no matter how sassy I am, inside I'm a 'gentle soul'. I admit that I gave him plenty of sass and continue to do so, but I've warmed up to his stereotypical persona. I've grown to like him and not be distracted by the things I don't like about him. He calls me Joshy... and I call him Tota. LOL... He's a good man. He sometimes asks for hugs and freely sneaks in for one. As you know, hugs are not my thing, but it's nice sometimes to feel appreciated or needed for affirmation. We banter back and forth. He can keep up. LOL...
2: I'm trying to put myself out there for dating. I loathe the idea of dating...relying on someone else. I'm the oldest child. I just have these unrealistic expectations of myself and find entertaining the idea of having another person to rely on is outrageous! I generally go on 1-2 dates a year. This year I went on 6. Yes, I know, 6 isn't all that much, but it's a start right?!
3: I met a really wonderful friend named Rebecca. She has helped me overcome this negative self-talk and look forward to and make progress to a better me. She is a couple steps ahead of me in this pursuit of feeling unworthy of love. She is helping realize that once I'm ready to love myself, I can put out there that others can love me too.
4: I'm trying to be more compassionate and loving to people and ideas that I have no general interest in. I find that understanding and a listening ear for understanding than response is so much needed. Taking the time to learn the points of view of others is far more important to me than judging the facts of what is what. After all, I think that healing is far more important than asking for justice.
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I miss things that I used to have and opportunities that passed me by. I just want for this year to have the eyes to see the opportunities and to take advantage of them. Above all, I want to be prepared to meet God.
It is Faith that will keep me on the path to overcome. Perhaps it's this year that things can be resolved. I'm a firm believer that change can take place in a timely manner.
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