La dee dah

It has been a long time since I've written. Though writing a post has been on my mind as of late. Eleven days ago I turned 30. I know right, 30?! I've come to a cross roads in my life because of it. I'm sure most people would say that I'm ten years ahead of my time to have a mid-life crisis. I assure you that perhaps given my upbringing and life history, 3o is a little late.

I look back on the things that I have accomplished in the past ten years and wonder, What have I done with my life? Life is so short it seems so trivial and yet as I look at the list of things that I am proud of, I am saddened that I haven't accomplished more. Some of the things that I have accomplished are these:

1. Served a 2 year religious mission
2. Received a college Education
3. Traveled outside of the United States
4. Lived outside of my home state of Utah for over a year, by myself
5. Lost my VL status to a total stranger 
6. Had a brush with what 'Love' is
7. Rekindled lost friendships
8. Became more self-aware
9. Drank an alcoholic beverage
10. Made up a holiday that I celebrate every year, for 4 years. Happy Panda Day, June 26th is the name of the holiday.
11. Became an uncle of three nieces, two nephews.
12. Became an adopted son of a Japanese, Greek, Cambodian, Taiwanese, American and Chilean families.

A part of me wishes that I could put a couple of things down that many of my peers and family have already accomplished that seems beyond my grasp. Married the love of my life and being a proud parent of X kids. Those two missing things just rack me at the bone. I look back and wish I could change things. I wish I could be a different person sometimes. A person that could be everything that I'm not right now.

The good things bring me happiness. I'm a person of memories and vivid pictures of emotion cascade across my mind when I look back and see all the wonderful things that have happened. I often forget those times. I'm glad I had taken pictures of those good times to help me remember. It's funny that pictures can do both for you; bring happiness or sadness no matter the scene of the picture.

I look now and think, what is there left now for me, a barren man without a family of my own or a wife? I have looked and pondered on what I could do. Dating seems to be an impossible task that irritates me. I don't know what I'm doing, I get scared/overconfident and mess things up, I hold back, I don't trust people to handle me with care. I don't like to be vulnerable and who does?

I suppose I'm just rambling on. I get lost in nostalgia. Perhaps too often I get lost in it. I get triggered by certain arrangements of music and video. Usually music triggers all my nostalgia and sends me back to a memory locked away. Here is the most recent video/music arrangement that has sent me down memory lane...and has caused me to yearn...giggles

If we were all so lucky now. :) But I know, we will all have an opportunity to have this. I only hope I'm not too late.