Rage of the Oceans

Dear Delysia,

Today could have been a horrible day, but it didn't end up being one. The past couple of days has been really hard, but I have come off feeling better.

First and foremost, I had to come to terms with the idea that even though, I am a really good friend, I cannot expect people to do as much as I do. Friendship is all that I have. As for everyone else, that is not true. So I cannot expect that people will want to reciprocate the same amount of effort in me as I do for them. That really sucks a lot! Being a nun, friendship is all that I have?! I want people to treat me as good as I treat them. When they don't, I freak out and want to cut them out of my life. Tristan is a great reminder of wasting 5 years with a person that couldn't, wouldn't, didn't want to be a good friend. If I were to be willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, I would just assume that they don't know how. Therefore, I would be patience with them. I am too old to be throwing pearls to swine. I don't do that. I won't do that. Life is too short to be coddling people along that don't care about you, or unable to express it. Find people that can express their love and concern.

I feel that way with Cory. I don't really want to have anything to do with him. BBK told me that he has showed me love and affection in the past, but he may not be willing or able to keep up with the amount of effort that I put into our friendship. I told her that is fair, I just don't want to keep going in the roller coaster ride. She just told me that if he reaches out once in a while, be OK with it. She told me that I just need to take space and time and refill my emotional and spiritual bank. When I do, I am not wasting it on Cory. I sort of felt like that would be harder to do, but it has been a breeze. He's too busy to notice that I've lost all interest to speak to him at any time or cost. I mean, I have given up a whole bunch of stuff to make it more convenient for him to contact me. It doesn't seem like it is something that he'll be able to do. I am done with him. I will help him, if he asks, but I don't really want to share or talk or build anything with him. I would much prefer for him to just find some girl to marry and be done with it. All I want from him now, is to get married, so he can find the 3rd Orchid for me. When the 3rd orchid is found, I can move on.

I told Traci my thoughts and he just said that I should just fade without telling Cory. I am going to do that. I am going to just fade and it is too late now.

I fought with Traci on Monday. I was really hurting and having a hard time getting over my meltdowns. Traci just spoke to me like he knew what I needed to do and wasn't listening to me. I felt like he was just yelling at me and was telling me to stop crying and to get up and run to the finish line. As you know, I don't really do well with that approach. He wrote me a message in a text that pissed me off really bad. He told me that he knew what it was like to be alone and knew the ache of loneliness. That enraged me so much! He doesn't know what loneliness feels like I do. He has plenty of opportunities to interact with people that he can have his needs met. My life will never be like that, given who I am and what I am supposed to be doing. He can date and marry. I cannot date and marry. He doesn't risk his standards to date. I do. He knows nothing of what it is like to stand in a box and being told that I can never leave the box. He is allowed to get out of the box and play. I can only sit and watch!

I wrote him a text and told him to just leave me alone. I didn't speak to him for a full day. I was really bothered by the Spirit to not allow the silence to go on for more than that. I called him the next day and just told him that I had gotten over myself. He spoke to me in a snarky tone of voice, but he was sincere about being supportive and that he loved and cared for me a lot. He really complimented me on what he hoped for me. He told me that he had an experience where Pres. Gordon B. Hinkley walked into a room and he felt the Spirit so overpowering, that he knew Pres. Hinkley had entered the room, even though Traci didn't see him enter. Then he told me that it takes a lot of sacrifice and refinement to get to the point, where people cannot deny the feeling of the Spirit. Traci told me that I will be like that one day, where the rooms will just be filled with the Spirit. I was snarky to him at the time, but it has really been on my mind a lot. I want to be like that. I mean, it has happened on occasion, where people will come to me and tell me that they can really feel the sweet spirit about me. I think that I can do that... be pure and lovely in the standards of the Spirit.

I have been sending scriptures to my mama to help her feel peace and comfort. I have been having a hard time praying. I have such a complicated relationship with God. I don't like to speak to Him very often. I do feel the Spirit, but I just feel like He's mean and cruel on purpose. I can't think about it too much, because I get really upset and mad about my life situation and how it's really unfair.

Speaking of monsters, Traci's girlfriend/not girlfriend had the never to tell Traci that she doesn't like me because she thinks that I play the victim card! I was so mad, but came to the realization that she and I don't even compare. I am far more developed in the things that matter the most, compared to her loosey goosey self. That trick can't even touch me. In fact, I am going to make sure that people can't claim that I play the victim. Traci said that she and I both play the victim. I know she does. She is never wrong. I am wrong and admit when I am. I hate her so much. She is such a pathetic soul of trashy proportions. I hate that Traci is so taken by her nasty, mean spirited self.... I am done speaking about her.

I did however, tell Traci that if he ends up marrying her that he should just expect me to disappear. I won't endure her. I won't deal with her victimized attitude. You look at her with a crooked eye and she is flying off the handle and crying and lashing out when she's not feeling well. He told me that he will not accept that from me. He told me that her and I will be the death of him. I told Traci that I will never put him in a position where he'll have to choose. I know that I will always lose that battle. So I won't put up with her being with him. He can have her and be happy. I will come back when she is dead and out of the way. He didn't like that. He told me that he won't allow that to happen. He also told me that he's working on her to change. I just roll my eyes and think, what a big waste of time. She is damaged. ... So I have come to terms of letting him go, so he can be happy with his wife. Though, I did say that his mom loves me. She doesn't even know who 80 is, other than some whiny, sick victim.

Then I have this fatty, fugly witch who is trying to get me fired by stirring up drama with our job. She is trying to get me fired because she is trying to distract all the other people from seeing that she is not doing her job. She accused me of not doing a good enough job. Anyway, little does she know that, her mistakes and favoritism are going to ruin her. Her place here is not permanent.

I have learned that when you openly try to ruin someones life, with no justification, you will ruin your life and the life of your kids. In the scriptures, we are told that the sins of the fathers will fall upon he children... and I have found that the Lord will curse the kids and you will be punished for it. He'll punish us with things that will hurt us the most, if we openly rebel.

Anyway, She has been stopped from trying to ruin my life. Her son is safe for now. I feel better about the situation. She is over her head and needs to leave me alone.