Opposites Attract

Dear Delysia,

As I have been reading the last few chapters of 2 Nephi, the thoughts have come to me, that complaining isn’t a good thing. The scriptures call it as murmuring. Especially in Chapter 29, it talks about those that believe that things are really good in the city of Zion, or those that say that the knowledge that they have received is complete. It is interesting to me that complaining leads you to a place where you lose the things that you have received. The Lord says that if you complain too much about the things that you’ve received, or have the attitude that you have been given enough, that all the things that you have received will be taken away. The connecting thought to this is the parable of the Talents. If you don’t use your talents, you lose them. It is interesting that Talents/Gifts/Knowledge of the Gospel are all compound in the same thing.

When or where does a person come to a point where they complain so much that their gifts from God are taken away? I suppose open rebellion is taken away. It even appears that even the Gift of the Holy Ghost only disappears when you’re excommunicated. I’ve only known a couple of people in my life where that has happened: Mr. Rosen and a friend Jesse. Jesse told me the worst punishment for him was that he could no longer feel the presence of God with him. He said he felt so empty and alone. He didn’t realize how often the presence of the Lord had been with him, even during the times that he was doing the bad things that he was doing, he still felt the comfort that God was not afar off. However, he related to me that once the Leadership had stripped him of his privileges and rights to the access of the Power of God.

It is interesting that as I think and recall of the memories that I have placed back, I have a lot of interactions with people in general that I should not be clinging to for their example. The only real one that I should be holding on to is mama’s. Mama has always held on to her covenants. And since I want to be all the wonderful things that mama is, I must comply, bow my head and submit to whatever comes my way. All the other examples of others mistakes and successes shouldn’t matter as much as the one that comes from mom. It is unreasonable for me to believe that God wouldn’t punish me for not having a good attitude about the things that I have been given.

When I finally got a hold of mom, I just asked her how she was handling all these crisis’ that seem to befall her. I can’t think that when mom’s world comes crashing down, that it has to do with her being unrighteous. I have always known mom try her hardest to live the gospel. I know that because her kids are a reflection of her commitment to the gospel and example. We are all, for the most part, faithful. So the only other explanation is that, it is supposed to happen for her betterment. I hate that reason far more. At least with punishment, I can understand. That is the natural cause of justice. But since mama is a celestial law abiding citizen, the reasoning for her betterment bothers me so much more, because it isn’t clear. It is more like, shiz happens and deal with it. Though, mama has really kept her head up. She told me that she went to the temple and just felt peace. She also said that nothing in this world is ours, we borrow it or are asked to take care of it. If He sees fit to take it away, then He can have it. Those things are His to do with how He pleases. I don’t really like this either, but it makes sense. I don’t like it because it makes me think, then why do we even try to accomplish anything, if He is just going to sweep the floor from underneath us and respond, ‘It’s good for you. Thanks.’ It makes me think that trying to have anything in this world, isn’t worth trying to achieve because it will just be taken away, just like mom’s life. All that she has ever worked for, has never remained. Her business, her house, her marriage, her health… the only things that have remained is her kids. It is as if the Lord likes to watch my mom restart over and over for ‘her betterment’. I doesn’t seem to far from Trevor’s mom either. She is in her late 50’s early 60’s and is finally able to provide for herself and not having to rely on the grace of others kindness and support. She is able to sustain and support herself. I don’t know how she managed to face that all these years. I adore Trevor’s mom. I feel though, that she has been dealt a harsh hand for trying to be the best person that she could be.

…. Now the counter thought is…. I don’t know how the eternities will work out. I don’t know what is needed to help the souls of these people grow. I don’t know anything about what could and what cannot be. I don’t know the rewards nor the prices that have been paid or the promises. In my very blurry eyesight, I can’t see anything clearly regarding these women of faith.  I can’t see the spiritual gifts that have been given. Mom told me that her greatest gift has been to be able to forgive and overlook the faults of others. I am not like that very much. I want justice right away.

…. Sigh….. I am a hypocrite. I have a hard time just letting stuff go…. My pride is just in the way. I don’t like these situations and I don’t like to endure them. I feel like God is treating us with such cruelty… with these shaky, canned ideas that ‘everything will work out when you die’ phrases. …. I suppose, it is time to work things out and just come to terms with all this. This life, is meant to try us to see if we will do all the things that we’re commanded to do. Even when it seems that we’re being manipulated towards sorrow and destruction. Abraham and his son, is a good example of that snarky thought.

………………….

So my friend asked me: Why don’t you just do things that will make you happy and bring you peace, instead of being played with this dogma from people who don’t know the experiences first hand. How can one understand the depth and breadth if they are married, white and have never known loneliness, beyond a wife dying? They can’t in my mind.

He may have a point. No one can really understand. A canned answer is, Jesus does….

…. Ugh……. I hate when I get into a place like this. I think too much. I want things to work out now. I want to see or know of a more tangible thing to cling on too. I have no desire to move forward today. I have no desire to work things out in my mind, it hurts a lot….. If mom is going to experience a life of shatter and mass destruction while living the gospel, I certainly don’t want that in my life. Though, I am going to pay a different price than her. I’m a pineapple. I don’t have a path that I can live that allows for much help beyond begging for it from others.

………….. I’m done beating a dead horse. I need to stop complaining. That doesn’t do anything. I should do what Old Aunt Rose said to do. She said to put on your favorite, colorful dress, put on your dancing shoes and skip on thru life without a care in the world. Since I threw all my favorite dresses and outfits out and I no longer have my heels for dancing, I’ll walk barefoot, hum and pretend I’m a pretty unicorn down the road to oblivion or peace. I’m not sure which one that will be. I’m pretty sure it’s both.