Peace and Comfort

Dear Delysia,

Last night, I was really happy to talk to Mama and Cory Beth. Mama was feeling really bad last night. She was struggling with the events that are happening in her life: she is losing her house and is really concerned with the animals. Her dog, Stubby passed while she was packing up her home day by day. Her husband and the youngest child doesn't help Mama. They are really nasty and negative and mama is getting to a point where she is just giving up. I hate hearing that type of report from my siblings. It makes me worry about Mama and her well being. Though, at the end of the conversation, she said that she loved me and was really appreciative of the encouragement and positive perspectives on her situation throughout this whole process. That made me really happy. I told her that on my mission, when things got really hard and unbearable, I would think: If mom can do it, so can I." She said that she knew that and was happy that she could be of help. She said that she was sad, but she knew that things would work out. She just wasn't sure how they were going to work out.

Then I spoke with Cory Beth. He was really happy. He was happy that he went on a luncheon with a girl that he met in Minnesota. The girl with a name that started with a C. She moved here to go to school and so he has become good friends with her. He was able to talk to this girl he met at a Social Club for helping out the community, Amelia. He was also really happy that he's been able to be social with these girls. He had to leave to help his roommate who didn't have a car. I laughed and told him that it seemed that his attitude about stuff was changing. On the scale of Good, Better, Best. He seemed to be in the transition from Good to Better. Then I asked him if he was going to keep his end of the deal of taking out Sarah out as a result of him not talking to 8 people. He paused and said that he wasn't sure. I then told him that he didn't need to do something that he didn't feel comfortable with. So I told him the deal was off. I told him that I don't want him to do something he feels forced into. He then said that he could go to lunch with Sarah. I told him that it was too late now. I told her that Cory wasn't going to take her out. Then I told him that since he didn't feel comfortable with going on dates with girls that he wasn't interested in, and that was the deal that we made to help him stay accountable, that he didn't need to tell me if he spoke to 8 new people each day or not. I wasn't going to have him just buy me things when he didn't speak to 8 new people, I wanted his 'rewards' to be about him being a better person by being put into positions where he could be a blessing to others without anything in return. But since that was really uncomfortable, we don't need to bring it up again. He then said that that is not what he wanted. I told him, that he could still speak to 8 people each day, I just didn't need to know about it. I needed to know because he wanted to be held accountable.

When I told him that we didn't need to talk about the 8 new people, I felt my heartache with anger. Yet, I was so very pleasant and kind when I spoke to him about it. I felt that yet again, this is another reason why I can't trust him. He doesn't do what he says he'll do. He says all these flowery, beautiful things and doesn't do them. He says he'll do things and then doesn't do them. The things that I asked him to do, he doesn't want to do. He would rather give up his world for strangers rather than for people that have vested interest in him. I was mad. I didn't cry. I felt like, there is no need to cling to anything that he says. His words and behavior don't match. He likes to paint this picture of who he thinks he is. That picture is far more beautiful than what he actually is in real life. I don't want him in my life anymore. I told God last night that I didn't want him in my life anymore. I also said that I would keep my word and help him till April, but after that, I was done with him forever!

I miss Traci so much! I miss hearing his voice. I feel like Traci loves me. He thinks of me on a whim and calls me or sends me a message. Tomorrow is his birthday and I wish I was with him to celebrate with him! I love him. I am so thankful that he cares and loves me too. I am grateful that I actually believe that Traci loves me. He's so adorable!

I prayed that I would be given the strength to be able to do what is asked of me with a good attitude. I prayed that what amounts of kindness and comfort that came would be enough. I prayed that I could continue to be kind and supportive to those I felt didn't care for me or felt like they were using me. I felt peace and comfort.