Puppy Fight

Dear Delysia,

Yesterday Traci and I got in a fight! I started it truthfully. I saw that his girlfriend/not girlfriend was coming to Utah and thought, I would like to manipulate a plan to have her meet his mom without her knowledge. So I asked Traci if he knew that she was going to Utah for Conference? He said he didn't know that. Three hours he texted me and said that 80 might want to meet his mom. I responded by saying 'ewww'.

Well that escalated the whole situation. I told him how I noticed some of the good things about The Weed, Danielle's boyfriend. Traci hates him. So Traci was annoyed that I was saying nice things about Danielle's boyfriend but I was saying snarky things about his gf/not gf. Traci asked me why I said ewww about 80. I avoided the question. Then he told me that I was always mean to 80. That is when I got pissed. I asked him when have I ever been mean to 80? I have made her herbal tea for her illness for Christmas, I bought her food and made breakfast when I stayed with her, I was a gracious guest, I have never spoken ill to her or treated her in a bad way. So I asked him when I have been mean to 80! He responded that it didn't matter now and that he didn't want to get in a fight because he felt like I was upset. I told him that I was upset because I have never been rude or mean to her. I have only said mean things about her to Traci after he has called me to complain about how she's treating him. I have never treated her poorly! I hate her because I feel like she behaves in a way that she is never wrong, she's always a victim and she is never satisfied with any of the effort that Traci does. The only reason why 80 would hate me is because Traci told her the things that I said about her! That pissed me off anymore and so I hung up on him.

He texted me later and said that he apologized for attacking me and that he didn't mean to cause this. He said that he was annoyed that he felt like I always say snarky things about 80 and he feels like he always has to defend her. He said that he wanted to just be able to talk to me about her and not have to defend her. He said that he wanted me to be more supportive to him. He wanted to be able to say whatever he wanted and feel supported and not have to worry about what I had to say about the situation with her. This pissed me off even more because I realized that he was turning me into the monster of this whole situation. He wanted to be able to dump all the emotional baggage on me and expected me to not have an opinion about it. He just wanted me to be there to listen and support him in his pursuit with her! I realized that he was demonizing me in his imaginary relationship with 80.

I told him that I felt like I was supporting him as best I could. Yes, I made a lot of snarky remarks because I thought he was being dumb and that she was being really abusive. I told him that there have been many times where I told him that I didn't have an opinion about his mess because I couldn't be objective. I have defended her twice from him. So, I shared with him that I have given him all that I had as being supportive, because if he hoped that she and I were going to be friends, he ruined that by sharing with her what I have said about her. So I suggested that he and I part ways until he figures out what is going on with her. I told him that I don't want to hear from him until there is a ring on his finger or that he's finally broke up with her for the 5th time.

He then said that he didn't want that. He wanted to have me in his life and that he loved me and he was wrong... blah blah blah. I told him that I wasn't going to let him treat me like this anymore, where I am the monster in the middle of his rocky mess with 80.

He left for Thailand for a month. He asked me to text him through an app and I said no. I told him that I need a month to think about this whole thing.

Delysia, I feel good that I put boundaries on my friendship with Traci. I said the mean things about 80 because she is mean to my best friend cousin. I also know that I'm not going to put Traci in a situation where he has to choose between me and 80. I will always lose. I won't put up with that. I also won't put up with Traci calling me to complain about 80 when he's married. He can call and complain about her to his mom or his brother, but I am no longer going to listen to that crap. There are plenty of people that I interact that I don't like, but that doesn't mean that I treat them poorly. I never treat people that I know are loved or liked by my friends with disrespect. I am always very gracious. Just because I'm nice and gracious doesn't mean I like you. I do it because I care that they are cared for by someone that I care about.

I was so mad yesterday I was shaking! I called my sister and was yelling on the phone because I was so mad! I feel a lot better now. I've had moments where I wish I downloaded the app and spoke with Traci while he was on the plane. But it is better than he forget what is going on and just enjoy his trip with his brothers.

... It is probably good that I'm separated with Traci for a month. I have to learn to be on my own and focus on my family, while they last and while I last. That is what is asked of me as a pineapple: be denied love and companionship for a lifetime, while being a maid to others needs.

.... even now, when I say such things, I don't feel anything anymore... It's a good sign that I've come to terms with the blight that God has asked me to live. I'm a treasure, but no one knows that. I feel like I'm going to relive the life of my mother. Live a life of feeling unappreciated and feeling unloved and abandoned. .... and I still feel nothing anymore. Mom is right. Struggles make it so that eventually, nothing really makes you cry.  I am happy about that, I won't be such a mess.

I do feel like I'm isolating myself again. It's so easy to just walk away and see that no one notices that you've gone. LOL.

BUT... mama sent me several pics of Sniffles! They are so cute and I just laughed and smiled and mew mew mewed and purr purr purred! I just love my baby and my mama! :) mew mew mews and purr purr purrs. giggles! HAHAHAHAHAA....

I love you Delysia. I know you'll always be there.