9/4/2015

Dear Delysia,

Sunday was a good and a bad day.

GOOD:

It was fast Sunday. So I fasted for mama. My sister texted me and told me during the family reunion at the State Fair, that mom was really disrespected by her husband and her youngest son. My sister told me that mama looked really bad. She looked sick and was trying really hard to teach the family some emergency preparedness stuff. But her husband and her youngest child were not very helpful. With my sister telling me that mama isn't doing very good, I decided to fast for her. I hate it when mama puts up with such disrespectful treatment by the people that are supposed to help, defend, love and support. But instead, they are thorns in her side. I felt the spirit really strongly when I prayed on her behalf. I prayed that mama would be strong and be able to receive the strength she needed to overcome the ugly that she would have to face.

At church, I wore all black because I was mourning. I hate the idea that mom has to endure such cruelty from the people that are supposed to be on her side. Mama tries really hard to be a support and a beacon of hope for us, her family. Though, she doesn't really fight back. My sister said that mama doesn't have much fight in her, so that is probably why she doesn't say much to defend herself.

The meeting was really good. Boo Boo Kitty had a really good testimony of having faith to give up dreams and aspirations in order to do the will of God. She testified that it is always worth sacrificing for the Best things in life. I just started to cry. I have made those types of sacrifices for the best, at a heavy price. I am to be a nun for the rest of my life, what more of a price can one pay, beyond their lives?

I also got to go to my support group for pineapples. I hadn't been in a really long time. It was really nice to see my good friends who are old enough to be my dad or grandpa. They have lived a very different life than I have. I live in a more friendly pineapple world, then didn't. Of the 20 men that come on a regular basis, myself and Jim are the only ones who have decided to live a celibate life. It is really hard for him. I look up to Jim. He is 67 and has remained a nun all that time. He didn't come to terms with himself until he was 45. So, he's faced a lifetime of loneliness. He is content with his life, though he's not happy. He told me that often times, he's not happy. He's just content to be. He told me that he has to make the decision to remain in the church each day.


BAD:

I feel alone. I feel desperately alone all the time. I feel that my work with the Orchids is fleeting. Trevor is dating a monster of a woman and he changes when he's with her. He wants her, so he will have her. He will never do anything that is good enough for her. She is a broken vessel of barren waste. She has melt downs over her chipped tooth that you can't see, or the days when she skips her medicine and lashes out. She is a monster and he loves her. He says things like, Josh I will always be there for you. I don't think that is true. My best friend status with him will be replaced by her. She will be his best friend. I am coming to terms with that everyday. I hate her for it. I shouldn't but I do. I would be more content with it if she wasn't such a beast of a person. But alas, I shall disappear from him. I won't endure him.

At the support group,  most of the men lived during an age where they were told to ignore their pineapple ways and to just marry a woman. So almost all of them did, and now all of them are divorced and are living with a partner. Many have left the church, but still like the community and most of the teachings. Though, it isn't an institution that they could align with completely. Some say the happiest moments in their lives was not when they married to their wife or when their children were born. It is now, living with their partner. Others lamented that they married a woman, fully knowing that they could only give her about up to 20% of their affection emotionally/physically. They mentioned that every time they made love to her, their feelings for the same gender only deepened. So many lamented that they starved their wives from love and brought to them a sense of desperation, when the wives never knew that their fate would be that.

With all; this information, I thought to myself: How are Jim and I supposed to survive? Aren't Jim and I literally starving ourselves from love and affection? Are we not getting scraps of 5%, 10%, 15%, 20% of others who love us at a moment and then BOOM, it's gone. How are we supposed to survive? These men had just that much and didn't make it. They at least had a companion that had vested interest in them and it wasn't enough. What makes me think that Jim and I can do it alone?! I was overcome with feelings of desolation. I just cried all the way home. I came to the conclusion that I was going to starve to death and there was nothing that could be done about it. That is the price I have paid to stay with the gospel of Jesus Christ: no family, no love, no companion, just scraps here and there when others feel so inclined to give them.

I told that to Cory Beth and he said that he didn't know what that felt like. He did say that when he gave me a blessing that he felt like good things are coming. He felt that very good things are coming to help me along the path. He also said that he wished that he could take away that feeling, that he could be a better friend, that he could help me in some way to not feel so alone. I responded by mentioning that I look forward to dying because I know that when I die, I won't feel this anguish all the time. That is my hope, that when this life ends, that I will feel peace. But as for anything else in my life... there isn't much to cling to. I told Cory that me interacting with him and Trevor helps keep the thirst at bay, but it always comes back. Cory asked if I didn't like him and Trevor. I said that it's not that I don't like them, it's that Cory and Trevor aren't mine. They will move on and lives of their own. I will be left behind to wait for another to give them help. Nothing is permanent in my life right now. Cory said that he was sorry and that he should probably try to hang out with me more. He said that he loved and cared for me. He said that I have him as a friend to look after me. Then he thanked me for sharing with him how I felt.


Delysia,

Now I just got a text from my step father that mama is in the hospital with stomach pain. She is really sick and he'll keep us informed. I am dying inside because mama is like the only reason why I do the things that I do. Her example is the reason why I hold on. If mama can do it, so can I. I also had a vision once in the temple of when Mama passed away in a hospital bed and I wasn't there. I am freaking out. I am needing to pray and find out what is going on. If mama passes on, a piece of me will die. I don't know what I will do without mama there. My siblings will struggle, my whole family will struggle.

.... I am so sorry that all that I tell you is sadness. Thank you though for listening to me. I love you so much.