Today isn't over, but I feel better today. Jim wrote me an email about how he felt about me giving up Happy Panda Days. He said that I should maybe reconsider bringing it back into my life. I don't know what I think about that idea. Though, I think that if I were to pick it up, I should really think about getting back into it. I'm getting older, and with that, making the illusion of being a lady gets harder. I am happy that I did do drag though. It was a place that I could go to feel free.
The drama of work is almost ridiculous. Tiffany, a manager is out of control. She is a victim about the fact that she doesn't do her job. She does everyone else's job but her own. Then when she is called out on her job not being done, she throws someone else under the bus to cover her butt. Karma is a bitch and will soon snatch her fat butt. She is getting fatter and I'm loving it. She has really bad knees so, gaining weight will only make it harder and harder to come to work. Though, now that the rest of the manager team is against her, she is trying to be friends with me and I won't have it. I am not friends with snakes in the grass.
So I found this song this morning and it is making feel my oats! The video is inciting and the lyrics/tone of the song just makes me feel my oats! It really makes me daydream of the days of when I was infatuated with a guy in Las Vegas. It was nice to have him look at me the way that this singer looks at the girl. It is really nice to have someone talk and look at you with love, desire, attachment and affection. I remember him trying so hard to get my attention. I remember him being so kind and attentive to me. It was really so nice. It is nice to have someone love you and show it in so many different ways. But I think the most important is when you know that they love you when they look at you, your eyes meet theirs and it seems like your souls touch.
I haven't decided to walk away from my nun life. I have to keep making that decision each day, though I do enjoy remembering what it was like to be in love and to feel for a fleeting moment what it felt like when he loved me in return. Maybe one day, I won't feel the ache of wishing. Right now, I don't yearn, I am just reliving a memory of when I was really happy.
Delysia, it is really interesting to me. There is a part of me that wishes that I could love another with all my heart and that he would love me with all their capacity too. Yet, there is a part of me that wouldn't allow it, or would push him away so much that he'd give up and walk away. As much as I dream of wanting to be in a relationship, I don't know that I could. I don't know if I would fully allow a man to love me. I think that love from men is very temporary and hurtful. I haven't gotten over the idea that the love of men isn't lasting, even when they're married. It's sort of funny that when I get a crush on a guy, that I'm mean to him. I'm mean to him to the point where he stays away from me. It's safer for me, because he'll never want to be around me and I won't have to pine after him. Even if I did decide to leave my beliefs, I don't know that I could let go of my other issues enough to love a man and have them love me in return. I suppose being a nun is the best path for me in the long run. LOL!
Though, right now, I don't need to think about that. I am just going to day dream to the love songs of these men singing as if they were singing to me. :) ... hahahahahaha... I know, I'm a stupid hoe. HAHAHAHAHHAAHA
No comments:
Post a Comment