Dear Delysia,
Today has been really hard. I have been really struggling with staying happy and hopeful for my life. There is a woman at my work place that is being a victim. She is claiming that she is being bullied and she is not. She is causing so much drama and I HATE HER! She hides behind her religion and her high christian values, and yet she refuses to see that she is the problem! I hate her! I HATE HER! She is causing so much drama and causing the rest of our team to suffer! I want justice and revenge on her so bad!
Then I spoke with a dear friend, James. I've known James for 10 yrs. We talked about how we have dealt with being pineapples. Man, that sucks. It is nice to have friends that understand how you feel: trapped, damned, stuck in limbo. I told him of how I felt. I told him how the scene of LOTR where Eldrond tells Arwen her fate. I told him that and how I met a older gentleman who is living the nun life. What is there to look forward too? There are no goals that are defined like the others. We are left to drift in the wind, with no direction other than: Thou Shalt Not's.
Delysia, feeling like there is no future that I want or could enjoy like everyone, really kills the motivation to live. Today I haven't really felt like I've wanted to live. No, I'm not thinking about suicide. I am thinking about what to do next. Life is so mundane. What is there to live for? For a gay person, who is trying to live to the dictates of their religious beliefs doesn't have much to work with. All there is the desert sands of desolation and loneliness, unless they decide to live a life of 'sin' and be happy. A part of me things what was written on a gas chamber of a Nazi camp, "If there is a God, He'll have to beg for my forgiveness."
That is an ugly thought to think and I don't think it very often. It just popped into my head and I've pushed it out of my mind. I am just standing in the middle of the desert ready to die. There is no point to my life if there is no permanency. So, since being a negative Nancy doesn't really work, I'm just enjoying the hot sun.
You may think that I feel bitter and nasty. I don't really feel that way. I am just rehearsing the feelings that I have in my heart and mind. I don't feel bitter in my heart, I just feel at loss with being in limbo. I have received all the answers and tools that I need to accomplish of surviving the desert. I just don't have any motivation to survive. I only have the motivation to lie on the sand and bathe in the rays until it's night time or I die of dehydration.
... I am drowning in my music. I have prayed. I have read the scriptures. I am still moving forward for now.
.... Traci called this morning and has been struggling with feeling lost. I'm not lost, I'm stuck. He got what he wanted. His motorbike was sold for the price that he asked. I also spoke with him on Tuesday night and told him to go to the temple the next day. The next day was yesterday. He told me this morning that he's feeling really great because he got his money and is feeling really good about life, that he knows he's on the right path and he's doing well. He is in a position to make his business work, his gf/not gf is coming back to him and he's going on a trip that he's always wanted to go on in Thailand and S.E. Asia with his brothers for a month. All of it is happening while he's unemployed. His life is pretty great right now. ..... it kills me sometimes that his happiness and ease in life makes me sick... So to remedy it, is I don't talk to him as much. I don't want to feel jealous. He's worked hard to be in the position that he's in. His motivation is so he can provide for his family and wife... and all that jazz. I can't fault him or want for the things he has. I have no need for things like that. Who do I need to take care of? No one, but myself. So I don't need half the things he has.
Off to lay in the Sun.... the searing heat doesn't bother me much anymore.....
..... Thank you for listening to me Delysia. Sometimes, I wish that I could be with you.... gone from this place. I'm sad that you're not here with me, but you can still hear me. Thank you for listening to me.
No comments:
Post a Comment