I am sorry yet again for me neglecting you. I have had a lot of things on my mind. I have been coming to terms with my reality each week, day, hour, minute. It's been exhausting and I want to tell you good things.
Yesterday night, I got text from Brad. I first met Brad online on a dating app. He came over to my house and we cuddled and watched the Avatar series. I really had a good time. He told me about his life and what not. He was really great. He is Native American, Navajo. He served a mission in India. He really liked his experience. He is really down to earth. He actually reminded me of a friend of mine's husband: low-key, loyal, very chill. I really enjoyed his presence. We texted here and there. I learned that he sucks at keeping up conversation. He's not good at keeping in touch. He likes to fall off the earth.
A year later, he would text me here and there every so often. Last night, he texted me and asked me to go to dinner with him. I was really excited. It is nice to be able to feel like you're special, that you're the priority. I forget that sometimes, that feeling disappears really quickly. After talking to him quickly over text, I got really excited. I had forgotten what he looked like, I just remember that I felt really nice and comfortable when I was around him.
The date was really lack luster. My heart was fluttering and my stomach was in knots. I was really nervous. Getting the food, sitting down and talking. Everything was just fine. It was as if I was just chatting with a friend that I hadn't seen in years. I was looking at him while he talked about his life goals and choices. He is very indecisive. He's pretty wishy washy. He wants to be a Lawyer. He was really into the Dakota Pipeline in North Dakota. For most of the time I was thinking about kissing him or imagining myself in a relationship with him. At the end of the date, I asked him what he wanted from me. He told me that he isn't out and just wants friends to be with. He doesn't have any hurt feelings about the Church. He is just trying to live his life.
Him telling me that he just wanted to be friends sort of hurt my feelings. I wanted to entertain the idea of dating him.
Traci told me that I'm stupid. He told me that not actively looking but willing to take opportunities to date is different. I felt Traci called me a slut and that I have no integrity.... I think he is right.
I had a good time, but I feel sad. I want something permanent. But there is nothing... only sand, only transition.
... it's funny Delysia. I feel very calm and at peace about the destitution of my life. I have no purpose to live a life... there is nothing to live for.
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