A Gentle Heart

Dear Delysia,

I am really sorry that I have not written to you in about 2 weeks. The past couple of weeks has been really crazy. I haven't really had the strength to want to cry to you about my life because it is exhausting. I am however, willing to share with you now how I feel.

There have been really good and bad things that have happened in the past 2 weeks, so I will share with you the good!

Traci came to visit. He came to see his mom for her birthday. He also came and hung out with me! We went to the pool, lounged in the sun, played in the water, walked around the local farmers market and then had a picnic with my other cousins and friends. I love him so much! He is such a wonderful person. He is so kind, loving and considerate of me and my friends. I was also invited to go to the birthday dinner of his mom. She loves me. I was able to meet Aunty Jenifers' parents, Grandpa and Grandma Jarvis. Watching Traci and his brother Jordie interact with their family. It is as if they aren't really close with each other. They just talk at each other, they don't really talk with each other. I did enjoy being with them though. I feel safe and loved by Traci and his family! I like to think that Traci is my family too.

Traci then went back to California and I was really sad to see him go. He brings with him, this really nice sense of peace and safety. He went back home so he could figure out the relationship with his Ex girlfriend, 80. They had broken up again before he came here to Utah. He was really broken over the situation. He wants to marry her. He wants to have her as his own. She processes information very differently. She needs a lot of time and space to think and process her feelings, otherwise, she lashes out against other people. I told him that he just needs to wait when she is ready to talk to him about each other. It sucks having to wait and not know what is going on, but that is what she requested of him, space and time. I am really impressed with Traci, his willingness to 'work things out'. I have a very little threshold on that. I don't usually have the attitude with people, well, men in particular, that I am willing to work stuff out. I just walk away. I tried working stuff out with Tristan and that didn't pan out. I refuse to relive a moment like that, so I won't generally work stuff out with dudes. Though, I have been willing to work stuff out with Traci. Things have worked out with Traci, though, I think it is because he wants our friendship just as much as I do. That is probably the biggest difference, Traci does things that make me believe that he wants to be in my life.

Traci did meet Boo Boo Kitty. She was very complimentary of him. She said that she was impressed with him and his knowledge and behavior of the gospel. She said that she wanted to get to know him more because she just felt good around him. She perceived him to be very kind, considerate and just enveloped in the gospel in all the good ways. She said that he is very self-aware, smart and funny. I am really happy that BBK liked Traci. In an alternate universe, I would want Traci to date and marry BBK. I would love that soo much! Traci isn't interested, but I think that would be wonderful. BBK and Traci are the best friends that I've ever had. I don't want to ever let them go.

Before Traci left, he gave me a blessing. The blessing was so amazing! He told me that God was very happy and pleased of all the sacrifices that I have made and granted to me a blessing and a promise for the rest of my life: As long as I live a worthy life, all the things of the temporal sense will be taken care of for me and my family. It will usually come at the end, but myself and my family will not go with out and we will have enough.

I really enjoyed this blessing! As I have thought about it, I have not truly understood this blessing as much as I should. I interpreted that in the end, we would be OK. Though, Traci has told me that he felt like this blessing is referring to all things in this life now. He also told me that it this blessings was made because of the way that I was living! He said that he hadn't really known that blessing ever extended to family members that weren't wife/husband/child. Since I'm single and the blessing was extended to my family and their needs, that was HUGE! He also said that it was because of all the things that I have sacrificed that this was given to me. The thought then came to me, that I have always wanted to be given an opportunity to be able to help my family. Since I am the oldest, I wanted to be able to just send them money or have enough to just go visit them and support them the best I know how. I have been given this opportunity, it's just not by money. I have been given a promise that God will actively watch over me and my family and make sure that we're taken care of, based upon my worthiness.

I am so happy that I have Traci and BBK in my life. They bring me such happiness. They are so kind to me and I know they love me.

In the path of life that I have chosen, I am so very grateful that they do love me despite my limitations. Knowing that one day, my relationship with them will morph into something else and eventually it will end, I feel that it will be worth all the memories and effort that I put in to be in their lives as much as they were in mine!

Delysia, we are so lucky to know them.