My day... ummmm....
I have been in a really good mood today. I love my job. The ladies that I work with are so awesome! I am so blessed to work with ladies that I can relate to and just be myself with. It is really weird when I think of it. I mean, These ladies are far more experienced in life and I just love learning from their experiences in life. They come from very shaking lives. One lady was a single mom and a drug addict and sort of neglected her son. Her son became a addict and hates her. She got her life together, but it was too late. She has a pic of him in her office, though when she looks and speaks of him, there is sadness in her tone of voice. There is nothing that she could have done to salvage that relationship. Though, she has moved on from it and has become a wonderful woman, she can't turn time back to make it right. I've started to notice that I am also drawn to women who have faced a lot of ugly things in their life. They have faced really horrible things in life, and yet have overcome it.
The other lady that I adore was abused by her husband and cheated on by him. So she left and got an education, raised the kids and became a 'savior' of sorts for her family. She has lost a couple of battles with her ex-husband. He sued her for things that weren't true. He tried to make it look like the infidelity was her fault, not his. It was really sad. In some degree, she has hardened her heart to some things. She doesn't allow people to get close to her. She has experience betrayal a lot from people. She was betrayed by her husband, her family, her best friend... and then came to the conclusion that she can only save herself and keep herself safe. She doesn't really allow for much vulnerability. I am really grateful that she has allowed me to be her friend. I am glad that for the most part she feels safe and trusts me to have her back as she has mine. She is also very determined and resilient.
I am really noticing the blessings that have come to me because of the challenges that I have had to face. I can hear God's voice, I can speak to Him and He speaks to me. I receive direction from Him. I can feel the Spirit almost all the time and I can distinguish when it leaves and when He is guiding me to say and do the things that will tip the balances in others favor. I am a treasure. I am become everything that I have wanted. I want to be like my mom! I am becoming like her. I see more clearly of myself and others. I have paid a pretty heavy price to have all these wonderful things that God offers to His children. I haven't noticed it until just recently. I am so very greatly blessed for all that I have overcome with His help. I am almost as wonderful as mother. My goal now is that when I am around, that people will feel the spirit! I want to be so pure and lovely that people will just feel the Love of God. I think I am on a good course for that to happen.
The other thing that I was really happy about, was I went to lunch with Boo Boo Kitty today. I just love her! We talked about what we thought about revelation and Pharisee. She said that she has been praying to know how she is a Pharisee and how she can change it. She asked me what I thought. I just told her that I think that if you can live the life of a normal member: date, marry, have kids, so on and so forth... that the likelihood of us wanting to develop a relationship with God is really low.... sort of the same thing that I share with you. She thought that was interesting and thought that, that statement wasn't really fair. I said, well, if you have pretty much everything that you want, you only focus on those things right? You ask God about your sick spouse, you ask for help about your kid being bullied, you ask about how to keep the family safe, you ask about the financial crisis... But the relationship isn't based on that you want to know God. It is based on what God can give you to help you maintain the blessings He's given you. She responded, so we are using God for His goodness. I said, it looks like that doesn't it. She responded by saying something like, 'Well, Josh, I will be participating in that member lifestyle, what do you think I should be aware of to keep me inline with God?' I just said, intentional behavior is the key. If we are just talking to Him about ourselves, we are missing the point. She responded by saying that all that we ever want come to us secondary, to that of what God would have do for others. She also said that it is a huge deal when people freely serve others, rather than being compelled by callings or guilty conscience. In regular lives, the most that people interact and save are usually just their spouse and kids. They don't ever really reach for others because they are distracted by their own. Yet, Pres. Monson is the best example of him letting God take care of his family, while he went out and served 'the widows, the lonely and the forgotten.'
In truth, mom told me that nothing in this life is really ours, but our will. Kristen told me last night that in order for us to give God our will, we need dreams and goals to give Him, so that our will is swallowed up in His. Kristen then told me of her bf of a year and a half. They broke up, but the story about her relationship is so crazy! She learned that he had a lot of faith issues around the church. The interesting thing is that she really spoke about him fondly. She shared with me that she sacrificed everything that she had for him to be supported, loved and cared for. Though she was at the end of her rope with him because she was literally throwing all she had into him and he wasn't getting any better. Then she said to me, " Josh, I went to the temple and asked God what more could I do? I asked Him that I was breaking inside, that I was feeling like I was loosing a battle to save him. What more can I do to help him, to help him see the glory that I see in him? I was literally dying inside trying to help him grow and come back. I then told God that if He wanted me to stay with him, I would. But I told Him that I was really hurting trying to maintain my strength and love for him. I felt like it was time to let him go."
She started crying. As she choked on her words a bit, the thought came to my mind, 'She and I are very similar in that regard.' I told her that she and I are very similar in that way. She chuckled and said that we were soul siblings. We then hugged and I told her that I would do anything to help her. I told her of things that await her in the future if she would petition God in the Temple to receive what He is wanting to give her. Her health is severely failing. She hasn't really been able to know what is next, but God will tell her. She was a little scared, but I told her that very rarely does God speak so directly to His children. He must really trust them to give them such direct direction, because He knows that they will follow Him no matter what.
I am so blessed to have such grand interactions with eternal beings who are striving to be the best that they can be. I have much need to be grateful for the immense power and strength that come from these women of God! I just feel the Spirit all the time with such wonderful souls!
I am so very grateful to see the great worth of the souls that surround me. It brings me such comfort during the times of loneliness that come all the time. I am so happy and proud that I am a wonderful reflection of all that is lovely in my mother.
I do have a lot of changes to make. I am not very loving to all of God's children. I am selective to whom I lend my support to. I certainly don't support the brethren unless I am compelled to. I don't let people in my life. I keep people at a distance. I don't always fully love people that I should.
I need to fight the notion that I am better than others. I am not better, I am just learning the same lessons in a very unique way.
What does come to my mind though, is that I don't need people. All I need is my relationship with God. BBK doesn't agree. She is right. I do need people, to serve, love, enjoy and to allow them to serve, love and enjoy me too.
..... One step at a time.... And reading the scriptures everyday has really been a help to me. I always read something that helps me each day..... sigh.... I need to be better......
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