8/25/2016

Dear Delysia,

This past couple of days has been so wonderful and yet very hard. I have really just enjoyed being alive. For the first time in years, I have felt like I've had value. For the longest time I have not really felt like I had value. I mean, I would talk about that value, but I didn't really believe it. It is hard to believe in a construct if you've always felt like you never had a place in it in the first place.

Sunday was a wonderful day. I wore a new outfit that I sewed. I felt so wonderful. I felt so shiny, so dazzling. I felt like I was worthwhile and beautiful. I felt like the inner soul was radiating so brightly that you could see it in my face. As I listened to the speakers in church and the teachers, I listened to the comments that were being made. I was really surprised by the comments. It seemed like the answers were very superficial, so very surface level. Then the thought came to me that I have far out-passed their experiences. I felt like I was further along in the world of life because I could see things better. I feel like I see things as they really are. I find it really comforting that God has allowed me to be able to see things and situations as they really are, without the clouds or mists. To see the challenges ahead of you clearly, allows you to conquer it a lot easier. I just felt calm and peace sitting in church, feeling like God loved me so much. I felt like He was guiding me along in a way that others couldn't follow because they had other things to learn or they weren't in a place to hear God's voice to them.

Then Traci called me and was really upset. He was upset because 80 was dating someone else and he felt really stupid for trying to date a girl that wasn't really interested in him. In my mind he was acting desperate and controlling. He yelled at me and hung up. It was strange because I felt really good about it. I felt the spirit and was calm during all that. My heart was hurting because Traci was hurting, but I just felt like he was going to be OK. I told him that I would wait for him with hugs and Oreo cookies. He called me the next day and we made up. I love Traci a lot. He's a wonderful person. I love that he's my Best Friend Cousin!

On Tuesday, I had a good talk with Cory Beth. He was feeling sick and was wanting to feel important and validation. Though, it is funny, because he and his family have taught each other that validation can only come from a spouse and not each other. All of his siblings are really set on getting married or being in a relationship and then just forgetting about everyone else in their lives. It is so sad. My siblings and I are really close. We love being with each other and enjoy the company of each other and each others babies! It just made me sad that Cory Beth and his siblings have lived with each other so long and aren't really close.

He then told me that he wanted help with conflict resolution. He said that he wanted to be better at it because he felt he would just get defensive and sort of short with people when he felt cornered or questioned. He said that he didn't want to be like that anymore. I asked him what helping him looked like. He told me that he felt like I hid things from him, that I avoided conflict with him and that he didn't want me to do that anymore. I told him that I avoid conflict with him because he told me that he didn't like conflict, he avoided it, he avoided negative talk, he avoided bad, sad things. So I told him that I was trying really hard to accommodate him because I'm a good friend like that. I also told him that I when I did try to resolve conflict with him, he would avoid it or change the subject, and I felt rejected so I stopped having issue with him and just either ignore him or let go of my grievances because I didn't believe he wanted to hear me anyway. He said that he didn't want to be like that anymore and wanted me to share with him what I felt and thought. I said that I would try hard to do that. He then asked how my day was and I told him that I hung out with my family and the babies. I told him that I was really happy. Then he asked me what else was going on. I resisted him. He asked me why I was ignoring him and resisting him. I told him because it hurt too much to think about and believe that after 8 months, our friendship. I didn't want to think about that. I also don't see that changing either. He'll move away to the East Coast and that will be it. It's done. Cory doesn't really want friendship, or make a lot of effort in maintaining one. I know I'm a lot of work and effort. He has a limited amount of threshold to deal with me. So I have let go that he'll love me or be a good of friend as I have been. I have given up on the idea that I would believe that he cared. I do like his efforts, but it's not enough for me. I believe that if he really wanted to make something to work between us, he would make the effort necessary, but he won't. That is OK. I can't change his mind about that. I gave him all that I had to offer in a friendship, so I did my part. He asked a little bit more about my thoughts about our friendship. I told him that I didn't want to talk about it because it hurts. He then told me, "Josh, I will walk with you. We can walk through this together." I told him no. I also told him that it will take time. He told me that I should just focus on the now. I am not like that... I look too much into the future.

Cory is a good guy. He is trying really hard to be a good person. I just feel rejected. We have been friends for a year and we are the same as we were a year ago. Traci, BBK and I are like the bestest of friends. I've known BBK 6 months and I love her to DEATH. I don't see a future with Cory. He had his chance and is now going to reap the rewards of his squandering of his blessings. I don't think he see's it yet. That is ok. It is probably good that that doesn't happen. He believes that I am a false prophet anyway... trying to lead him a stray... so what do you do about that?!... LOL

I do appreciate his willingness to be nice to me. So I will enjoy what little time I have with him... and hopefully I won't be a huge mess when he moves away in April.


I love you Delysia. Thank you for always being there for me.