If that's what you need...

I'm a big fan of music. In fact, music moves my soul. It's no wonder that I gravitate to the institutions that revolve around the scientific use of sound and vibrations; it moves my soul.

Nostalgia is a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time. Music does that to me. It's as if I am wrapped in a cascade of a whirlpool water that passes in and out of the being of who I am as I listen to the beats, rhythm and keys of the chimed vibration. Each delicate pitch, grounding arpeggio and elicit tone of emotion drives my innate need to look to the past, present and future. The swirling currents sway and roll as the song dances on the futures dreams, to wisp on the imagination of wealth, fortune: cloud nine. As the melody changes key, the torrent turns harsh and heavy, as to pull me too and fro as uncontrollable thoughts of the past scratch the throbbing strings of my heart, sharp and full. Once the truth has come to a stand still that nothing can be done until the ache is quelled by time, the ache is soothed by the trickling of cold and warm spurts as the whirlpool comes to a constant flow of floating in the embrace of the present.

I miss the things I used to be able to have: a dear friend to love me without reservation or thought of anything else but the now, a companion to comfort me with the coo of their voice, an idea that the reflection I see has more than just my cocoa butter skin gleaming back. Maybe that is why nostalgia is a double edged sword. To look back is to have no control of what was and what came to be. To look to the future, the chance of sorrow and happiness is up in the air.

Perhaps, it is just best to look at the now. It is the choices that I make now that seem to sustain me with enough gumption to take one more step, just one more. After all, once the music has stopped, the cascade comes to a halt, as a summer heavens deluge. It opens her breast to cry her feelings, drenches the area and then flutters away, made anew with the prism of the beaming sun. 

This song fills me with a paradigm of sticky sorrow and carefree happiness. Joy is to appreciate them both.... I am not there yet. Time is the only one who knows when that will transpire upon my heart.

Corruption/Purity

Today I read this sentence:

"There are no un-sacred places; there are only sacred places and desecrated places." Wendell Berry.

These words seemed to just pop off the page as I read this quote. Society would have me believe that there isn't anything as desecrate right? I mean, as a Christian: having somewhat of a conservative mindset regarding moral issues, I find at times that even my standards seem to be blurred by the rampant ideals of society of, 'anything goes. Do as you like, for it is acceptable to you and forget what anyone else says'.

That mind set, I loathe. I think that society is based on what a collective whole finds acceptable and abhorrent. With a legacy of 'anything goes' destroys the building blocks of society. If the collective whole beliefs that they are no longer accountable to their actions because no one else understands their behavior and therefore cannot be punished is outrageous! If you share the out-dated thoughts of propriety and social standard of self-control you're labeled as a bigot, banished for being old fashion and ridged to others with more delicate constitutions.

BAH, I think it is ridiculous to have this mind set of 'anything goes'. It had occurred to me that standards help nurture a society of equality. That is mind blowing?! If we all play by the same rules and keep each other in check, all of us have the same chances to progress in life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Now this doesn't work in all issues that seem to plague the market place of ideas in society. For example, gay marriage. One side has said that love is love, no matter where it comes from. The other side has said it is a scourge of a physical appetite. The idea of society is: majority rules. True equality will never occur while people still have choices to make according to the dictates of their own conscience. Though, having a standard of what is acceptable or not allows for liberty to give the opportunity to lobby for change, accept that society won't/will grasp to your petitions or leave and start a society of your own that allows for it. Whether or not those choices are viable, doesn't really matter as much as that the opportunity is available. The cost to make them happen will deter or drive the change.

Though, I'm not really concerned with specific problems that plague society. I'm more concerned with the idea that people don't want to be accountable to their actions; believing their is no such thing as desecrated things. To be fair, the sentence has a certain amount of background to it. One: it has  connotation to religious/spiritual things. Two: things/places can only be sacred if people believe they are and treat them as such. I would also like to think that sacred and consecrated mean the same thing; they are set aside to preform a certain function and used for that function solely. So when the specific thing is used for something else, it is desecrated. Does not 'anything goes' do that exact thing? 

On the flip side, this video clip shares what the opposite side of my thoughts could be.

Maybe with this clip in mind, if everyone embraces 'anything goes' then there is no more sacred at all, for all is desecrated. That would lead to a flip ideal- desecrated is now sacred. 

I like to think that for me, I will not allow myself to loose sight of what is important. 

Good thing I've got some holes in my sweater!

Happy S.A.D. Day for one and all! Why is it a S.A.D. day today? It's Single Awareness Day! HURRAH! Drum roll please! BAM!

Usually during this pagan holiday surrounding the idea of a winged angel armed with an arsenal of arrows that pierce the heart to fall in love with the first the eyes behold: we yearn, nay crave for the emotion of love. Though love seems to be a fickle entity indeed. Love seems to wisp in on the spring breeze, rain upon our hearts with the promise of a bountiful harvest in the fall and manage to brush our skin with faint relief only to find that it has past.

Though as flighty as young birds trying their wings, Love has the ability to endure, fortify and become an eternal fire of loyal companionship. Perhaps that is why we all ache to have the longing fulfilled in the deepest caverns of our soul. It brings new life to our vast sight as far as the eye can see, only to be blinded by the vast expanse of its enduring fragility. Irony seems to scoff at the name Valentine. Truly it should be recognized as S.A.D. For with Love abounding in your life, you steer away for the emotional monster we call sadness. Otherwise, without such warmth to frolic in the abscesses of our complexity, it is truly sad.

Love comes in all shapes and sizes. Who is to say that because you don't have a husband/wife, boy/girlfriend dictates the lack of Love? Are we not apart of families that have vested interest in our well being and happiness? Do we not have spirit inside each of us to look upon one another and see that inside we are all the same? Love has many shades of color: compassion, kindness, empathy, virtuous and loyal to name a few of it's hues. Must Love be manifest in a being of likewise frame of where it comes from? I think not.

When I begin to doubt whether or not I miss out of the very ideal of intimate exchange of physical, emotional and spiritual aptitudes, I often remember a saying:

"You reap what you sow."

'In dark and dank do they grow and lie, but Oh how they blossom' ... soon, it will be my turn to experience the depth and breadth of what others do now. 

May we all find Love and hold tight to it when it brushes by. Who knows when it will pass by again.

 

The Flood is Gone

The wedding of my sister has brought the grief and bliss to come full circle in my family. It is interesting to think that it took so long for karma to come full circle to what has been a source of mixed emotion.

I'm so happy to know that though it has taken 29 years for the ethereal circle to come full swing, it has mended all wounds. It brings hope to me that in this life, things can be made right. But mostly, I believe it has been my pride and stupidity that wouldn't allow me to let go of my grief until just now.

Perhaps because I've been conditioned or have allowed cognitive dissonance conditioning not let go of the past. To some degree I feel that if I did let go, it would betray the others who were affected, I'm strong enough to hold the burden, but it only just festered.

Time heals all things. Though I believe that perhaps, it was me who could have let go of the scales of grudges. All has been said that needs to be said. Ears have listened to what needs to be listened to. I feel now at peace.

Love truly is the only thing that can heal and make all things right. I'm grateful that I am able to have experienced it at the depth that I have. That way, I may allow it to lead me to a better place inside my heart and soul.