Another Year

My birthday was yesterday. My how the time flies by. As I grow older, the more I feel that life just races by. It's as if the time of my life's' adventure blurs the vision of where I've been, and lights up the way to my future.

Some of the the accomplishments that I've had in the past 10 years are these: Went to college and graduated, served a 2 year mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, learned to love, moved to Vegas and survived, made some incredible connections in the Federal Government/Fashion/Law fields of work, traveled to New Zealand and Hawa'ii.

I'm happy that my life has introduced me to many wonderful things. I think the best think that I've accomplished in my life so far is being able to meet wonderful people in my walk of life and to be able to keep those relationships a live after the many years of not being in the same proximity as they are.

I am grateful for what I've been given and received.

La dee dah

It has been a long time since I've written. Though writing a post has been on my mind as of late. Eleven days ago I turned 30. I know right, 30?! I've come to a cross roads in my life because of it. I'm sure most people would say that I'm ten years ahead of my time to have a mid-life crisis. I assure you that perhaps given my upbringing and life history, 3o is a little late.

I look back on the things that I have accomplished in the past ten years and wonder, What have I done with my life? Life is so short it seems so trivial and yet as I look at the list of things that I am proud of, I am saddened that I haven't accomplished more. Some of the things that I have accomplished are these:

1. Served a 2 year religious mission
2. Received a college Education
3. Traveled outside of the United States
4. Lived outside of my home state of Utah for over a year, by myself
5. Lost my VL status to a total stranger 
6. Had a brush with what 'Love' is
7. Rekindled lost friendships
8. Became more self-aware
9. Drank an alcoholic beverage
10. Made up a holiday that I celebrate every year, for 4 years. Happy Panda Day, June 26th is the name of the holiday.
11. Became an uncle of three nieces, two nephews.
12. Became an adopted son of a Japanese, Greek, Cambodian, Taiwanese, American and Chilean families.

A part of me wishes that I could put a couple of things down that many of my peers and family have already accomplished that seems beyond my grasp. Married the love of my life and being a proud parent of X kids. Those two missing things just rack me at the bone. I look back and wish I could change things. I wish I could be a different person sometimes. A person that could be everything that I'm not right now.

The good things bring me happiness. I'm a person of memories and vivid pictures of emotion cascade across my mind when I look back and see all the wonderful things that have happened. I often forget those times. I'm glad I had taken pictures of those good times to help me remember. It's funny that pictures can do both for you; bring happiness or sadness no matter the scene of the picture.

I look now and think, what is there left now for me, a barren man without a family of my own or a wife? I have looked and pondered on what I could do. Dating seems to be an impossible task that irritates me. I don't know what I'm doing, I get scared/overconfident and mess things up, I hold back, I don't trust people to handle me with care. I don't like to be vulnerable and who does?

I suppose I'm just rambling on. I get lost in nostalgia. Perhaps too often I get lost in it. I get triggered by certain arrangements of music and video. Usually music triggers all my nostalgia and sends me back to a memory locked away. Here is the most recent video/music arrangement that has sent me down memory lane...and has caused me to yearn...giggles

If we were all so lucky now. :) But I know, we will all have an opportunity to have this. I only hope I'm not too late.

We can make it IF we try

As a profession, I work for the non-profit sector. Most of my working history has revolved with working with the Federal government of the USA. Working for the government has its' perks and cons.

What I like about working in the non-profit sector is that I feel that I'm making a difference in the world. I work for the office of Head Start. It's a program designed to help low-income households to help educate them and their preschool aged kids. As I am nearing my one year mark with this program, I have some observations that I would like to share:

1: Children have a really hard time being good kids, IF they are not taught how to be good.

I'm a believer that people in general are inherently good. I believe that we are all children of God and therefore, have the capacity to reflect his infinite goodness. However, knowing that this belief isn't proven by anything but a mere belief or faith in the idea, we have to be taught to behave in a way that represents good and wholesome behavior. For example, the principles of telling the truth, not hitting, to say please and thank you, to greet people when you meet... to name a few, is not inherent. Kids are just as good at doing the opposite of what they are told and imitating the good. It is my observation that kids mimic what they see, hear and experience in the confines of their environment, mainly their home. If shouting is commonplace at home, they communicate by shouting; it is commonplace

2: The cycle of abuse and derivatives of that sort of behavior, are perpetuated by lack of family structure.

I've meet plenty of people who have had the privilege to live in Washington D.C. who have shared horrendous stories of meeting generation after generation of people in the same household that have never held a job! They have only been supported by social welfare programs. The kids have a really hard battle up hill if they wish to break out of that behavior that has been wired into them that it is ok to live off of social welfare programs. The meanings of ambition, work ethic, work or the American dream is diminished to having kids, living off off stipends provided by the government with the intention of never getting off them. There is no incentive to get out of poverty. Then again, the child would never know that they live in such depraved conditions or phased by them because the basic needs are provided for.

The same can be said for more abrasive behavior, drug abuse, domestic violence, baby-mamas/daddy's lead to the child's development of believing that that sort of living is common and ok- a standard. As the child gets older, they don't know any better than to behave and relive the same life situations of their predecessors. They haven't been taught any other way.

3. Having a stable mom and dad in the home is crucial.

Men and women are similar but have many differences. Their genetic make-up, thinking patterns, physical, emotional and hormonal development all are very different and unique to moms and dads. A mom and dad teach their kids very different things about life inside the family and outside the family. My observations have seen that the dads teach their kids how to interact with people they are not related to. Moms teach their kids how to interact with people within their family/close influences. Of course, how the dad treats mom, reflects on how male kids treat female kids and vice versus. How mom treats dad is how the female kids treat male kids.

.......................................

My heart goes out to these kids. My heart goes out to all children. As census reports more and more kids being born out of wedlock, single parent families relying more on social welfare programs, education opportunities being more exclusive, the rise of teen parents and the attack on the idea of a family of a dad and a mom is putting the rising generations at risk. These kids will soon grow to be what they have only known from our lack of self-control and selfish behavior. 

Being a parent isn't easy. No one is every truly ready to be a parent. But no one has ever truly benefited by just getting by or believing that we are never in need of a good overhaul of personal character and ethical behavior. Life is all about change and becoming a better you. But with society glorifying the acts of sexual promiscuity, liberal use of time, resources and talent for the satisfaction of an hour at most and thinking of only yourself frightens me.

My hope is that these kids will remember the love, tools and the feelings of propriety and respect that we showed them in our program. I firmly believe that feeling included, wanted and loved is the ultimate cure-all for all the major issues that face our society today. I am not a perfect person, nor am I a parent myself (My little girl sniffles is a feline), but I like to think that my efforts are making a difference. That brings me comfort.

Things I'm learning at a pinnacle part in my life.

 

Family isn’t always blood.  They’re the people in your life who appreciate having you in theirs – the ones who encourage you to improve in healthy and exciting ways, and who not only embrace who you are now, but also embrace and embody who you want to be.  These people – your real family – are the ones who truly matter.

Here are twenty tips to help you find and foster these special relationships.

 

1.  FREE YOURSELF FROM NEGATIVE PEOPLE.

Spend time with nice people who are smart, driven and likeminded.  Relationships should help you, not hurt you.  Surround yourself with people who reflect the person you want to be.  Choose friends who you are proud to know, people you admire, who love and respect you – people who make your day a little brighter simply by being in it.  Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  When you free yourself from negative people, you free yourself to be YOU – and being YOU is the only way to truly live.

2.  LET GO OF THOSE WHO ARE ALREADY GONE.

The sad truth is that there are some people who will only be there for you as long as you have something they need.  When you no longer serve a purpose to them, they will leave.  The good news is, if you tough it out, you’ll eventually weed these people out of your life and be left with some great people you can count on.  We rarely lose friends and lovers, we just gradually figure out who our real ones are.  So when people walk away from you, let them go.   Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you.  It doesn’t mean they are bad people; it just means that their part in your story is over.

3.  GIVE PEOPLE YOU DON’T KNOW A FAIR CHANCE.

When you look at a person, any person, remember that everyone has a story.  Everyone hasgone through something that has changed them, and forced them to grow.  Every passing face on the street represents a story every bit as compelling and complicated as yours.  We meet no ordinary people in our lives.  If you give them a chance, everyone has something amazing to offer.  So appreciate the possibility of new relationships as you naturally let go of old ones that no longer work.  Trust your judgment.  Embrace new relationships, knowing that you are entering into unfamiliar territory.  Be ready to learn, be ready for a challenge, and be ready to meet someone that might just change your life forever.

4.  SHOW EVERYONE KINDNESS AND RESPECT.

Treat everyone with kindness and respect, even those who are rude to you – not because they are nice, but because you are.  There are no boundaries or classes that define a group of people that deserve to be respected.  Treat everyone with the same level of respect you would give to your grandfather and the same level of patience you would have with your baby brother.  People will notice your kindness.

5.  ACCEPT PEOPLE JUST THE WAY THEY ARE.

In most cases it’s impossible to change them anyway, and it’s rude to try.  So save yourself from needless stress.  Instead of trying to change others, give them your support and lead by example.

6.  ENCOURAGE OTHERS AND CHEER FOR THEM.

Having an appreciation for how amazing the people around you are leads to good places – productive, fulfilling, peaceful places.  So be happy for those who are making progress.  Cheer for their victories.  Be thankful for their blessings, openly.  What goes around comes around, and sooner or later the people you’re cheering for will start cheering for you.

7.  BE YOUR IMPERFECTLY PERFECT SELF.

In this crazy world that’s trying to make you like everyone else, find the courage to keep being your awesome self.  And when they laugh at you for being different, laugh back at them for being the same.  Spend more time with those who make you smile and less time with those who you feel pressured to impress.  Be your imperfectly perfect self around them.  We are not perfect for everyone, we are only perfect for those select few people that really take the time to get to know us and love us for who we really are.  And to those select few, being our imperfectly perfect self is what they love about us.

8.  FORGIVE PEOPLE AND MOVE FORWARD.

Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the remedy.  It doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened.  It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life.  Remember, the less time you spend hating the people who hurt you, the more time you’ll have to love the people who love you.

9.  DO LITTLE THINGS EVERY DAY FOR OTHERS.

Sometimes those little things occupy the biggest part of their hearts.  You can’t be everything to everyone, but you can be everything to a few people.  Decide who these people are in your life and treat them like royalty.

10. PAY ATTENTION TO WHO YOUR REAL FRIENDS ARE.

As we grow up, we realize it becomes less important to have more friends and more important to have real ones.  Remember, life is kind of like a party.  You invite a lot of people, some leave early, some stay all night, some laugh with you, some laugh at you, and some show up really late.  But in the end, after the fun, there are a few who stay to help you clean up the mess.  And most of the time, they aren’t even the ones who made the mess.  These people are your real friends in life.  They are the ones who matter most.

11. ALWAYS BE LOYAL. 

True love and real friendship aren’t about being inseparable. These relationships are about two people being true to each other even when they are separated.  When it comes to relationships, remaining faithful is never an option, but a priority.  Loyalty is everything.

12. STAY IN BETTER TOUCH WITH PEOPLE WHO MATTER TO YOU.

In human relationships distance is not measured in miles, but in affection.  Two people can be right next to each other, yet miles apart.  So don’t ignore someone you care about, because lack of concern hurts more than angry words.  Stay in touch with those who matter to you.  Not because it’s convenient, but because they’re worth the extra effort.  Remember, you don’t need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends you can be certain of.  Paying attention to these people is a priority.

13. KEEP YOUR PROMISES AND TELL THE TRUTH.

If you say you’re going to do something, DO IT!  If you say you’re going to be somewhere, BE THERE!  If you say you feel something, MEAN IT!  If you can’t, won’t, and don’t, then DON’T LIE.  It’s always better to tell people the truth up front.  Don’t play games with people’s heads and hearts.  Don’t tell half-truths and expect people to trust you when the full truth comes out; half-truths are no better than lies.  Remember, love and friendship don’t hurt.  Lying, cheating and screwing with people’s feelings and emotions hurts.  Never mess with someone’s feelings just because you’re unsure of yours.  Always be open and honest.

14. GIVE WHAT YOU WANT TO RECEIVE.

Don’t expect what you are not willing to give.  Start practicing the golden rule.  If you want love, give love.  If you want friends, be friendly.  If you want money, provide value.  It works.  It really is this simple.

15. SAY WHAT YOU MEAN AND MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.

Give the people in your life the information they need, rather than expecting them to know the unknowable.  Information is the grease that keeps the engine of communication functioning.  Start communicating clearly.  Don’t try to read other people’s minds, and don’t make other people try to read yours.  Most problems, big and small, within a family, friendship, or business relationships, start with bad communication.

16. ALLOW OTHERS TO MAKE THEIR OWN DECISIONS.

Do not judge others by your own past.  They are living a different life than you are.  What might be good for one person may not be good for another.  What might be bad for one person might change another person’s life for the better.  Allow people to make their own mistakes and their own decisions.

17. TALK A LITTLE LESS, AND LISTEN MORE.

Less advice is often the best advice.  People don’t need lots of advice, they need a listening ear and some positive reinforcement.  What they want to know is often already somewhere inside of them.  They just need time to think, be and breathe, and continue to explore the undirected journeys that will eventually help them find their direction.

18. LEAVE PETTY ARGUMENTS ALONE.

Someone else doesn’t have to be wrong for you to be right.  There are many roads to what’s right.  And most of the time it just doesn’t matter that much.

19. IGNORE UNCONSTRUCTIVE, HURTFUL COMMENTARY.

No one has the right to judge you.  They might have heard your stories, but they didn’t feel what you were going through.  No matter what you do, there will always be someone who thinks differently.  So concentrate on doing what you know in your heart is right.  What most people think and say about you isn’t all that important.  What is important is how you feel about yourself.

20. PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF.

One of the most painful things in life is losing yourself in the process of loving others too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  When was the last time someone told you that they loved you just the way you are, and that what you think and how you feel matters?  When was the last time someone told you that you did a good job, or took you someplace, simply because they know you feel happy when you’re there?  When was the last time that ‘someone’ was YOU?

If that's what you need...

I'm a big fan of music. In fact, music moves my soul. It's no wonder that I gravitate to the institutions that revolve around the scientific use of sound and vibrations; it moves my soul.

Nostalgia is a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time. Music does that to me. It's as if I am wrapped in a cascade of a whirlpool water that passes in and out of the being of who I am as I listen to the beats, rhythm and keys of the chimed vibration. Each delicate pitch, grounding arpeggio and elicit tone of emotion drives my innate need to look to the past, present and future. The swirling currents sway and roll as the song dances on the futures dreams, to wisp on the imagination of wealth, fortune: cloud nine. As the melody changes key, the torrent turns harsh and heavy, as to pull me too and fro as uncontrollable thoughts of the past scratch the throbbing strings of my heart, sharp and full. Once the truth has come to a stand still that nothing can be done until the ache is quelled by time, the ache is soothed by the trickling of cold and warm spurts as the whirlpool comes to a constant flow of floating in the embrace of the present.

I miss the things I used to be able to have: a dear friend to love me without reservation or thought of anything else but the now, a companion to comfort me with the coo of their voice, an idea that the reflection I see has more than just my cocoa butter skin gleaming back. Maybe that is why nostalgia is a double edged sword. To look back is to have no control of what was and what came to be. To look to the future, the chance of sorrow and happiness is up in the air.

Perhaps, it is just best to look at the now. It is the choices that I make now that seem to sustain me with enough gumption to take one more step, just one more. After all, once the music has stopped, the cascade comes to a halt, as a summer heavens deluge. It opens her breast to cry her feelings, drenches the area and then flutters away, made anew with the prism of the beaming sun. 

This song fills me with a paradigm of sticky sorrow and carefree happiness. Joy is to appreciate them both.... I am not there yet. Time is the only one who knows when that will transpire upon my heart.

Corruption/Purity

Today I read this sentence:

"There are no un-sacred places; there are only sacred places and desecrated places." Wendell Berry.

These words seemed to just pop off the page as I read this quote. Society would have me believe that there isn't anything as desecrate right? I mean, as a Christian: having somewhat of a conservative mindset regarding moral issues, I find at times that even my standards seem to be blurred by the rampant ideals of society of, 'anything goes. Do as you like, for it is acceptable to you and forget what anyone else says'.

That mind set, I loathe. I think that society is based on what a collective whole finds acceptable and abhorrent. With a legacy of 'anything goes' destroys the building blocks of society. If the collective whole beliefs that they are no longer accountable to their actions because no one else understands their behavior and therefore cannot be punished is outrageous! If you share the out-dated thoughts of propriety and social standard of self-control you're labeled as a bigot, banished for being old fashion and ridged to others with more delicate constitutions.

BAH, I think it is ridiculous to have this mind set of 'anything goes'. It had occurred to me that standards help nurture a society of equality. That is mind blowing?! If we all play by the same rules and keep each other in check, all of us have the same chances to progress in life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Now this doesn't work in all issues that seem to plague the market place of ideas in society. For example, gay marriage. One side has said that love is love, no matter where it comes from. The other side has said it is a scourge of a physical appetite. The idea of society is: majority rules. True equality will never occur while people still have choices to make according to the dictates of their own conscience. Though, having a standard of what is acceptable or not allows for liberty to give the opportunity to lobby for change, accept that society won't/will grasp to your petitions or leave and start a society of your own that allows for it. Whether or not those choices are viable, doesn't really matter as much as that the opportunity is available. The cost to make them happen will deter or drive the change.

Though, I'm not really concerned with specific problems that plague society. I'm more concerned with the idea that people don't want to be accountable to their actions; believing their is no such thing as desecrated things. To be fair, the sentence has a certain amount of background to it. One: it has  connotation to religious/spiritual things. Two: things/places can only be sacred if people believe they are and treat them as such. I would also like to think that sacred and consecrated mean the same thing; they are set aside to preform a certain function and used for that function solely. So when the specific thing is used for something else, it is desecrated. Does not 'anything goes' do that exact thing? 

On the flip side, this video clip shares what the opposite side of my thoughts could be.

Maybe with this clip in mind, if everyone embraces 'anything goes' then there is no more sacred at all, for all is desecrated. That would lead to a flip ideal- desecrated is now sacred. 

I like to think that for me, I will not allow myself to loose sight of what is important. 

Good thing I've got some holes in my sweater!

Happy S.A.D. Day for one and all! Why is it a S.A.D. day today? It's Single Awareness Day! HURRAH! Drum roll please! BAM!

Usually during this pagan holiday surrounding the idea of a winged angel armed with an arsenal of arrows that pierce the heart to fall in love with the first the eyes behold: we yearn, nay crave for the emotion of love. Though love seems to be a fickle entity indeed. Love seems to wisp in on the spring breeze, rain upon our hearts with the promise of a bountiful harvest in the fall and manage to brush our skin with faint relief only to find that it has past.

Though as flighty as young birds trying their wings, Love has the ability to endure, fortify and become an eternal fire of loyal companionship. Perhaps that is why we all ache to have the longing fulfilled in the deepest caverns of our soul. It brings new life to our vast sight as far as the eye can see, only to be blinded by the vast expanse of its enduring fragility. Irony seems to scoff at the name Valentine. Truly it should be recognized as S.A.D. For with Love abounding in your life, you steer away for the emotional monster we call sadness. Otherwise, without such warmth to frolic in the abscesses of our complexity, it is truly sad.

Love comes in all shapes and sizes. Who is to say that because you don't have a husband/wife, boy/girlfriend dictates the lack of Love? Are we not apart of families that have vested interest in our well being and happiness? Do we not have spirit inside each of us to look upon one another and see that inside we are all the same? Love has many shades of color: compassion, kindness, empathy, virtuous and loyal to name a few of it's hues. Must Love be manifest in a being of likewise frame of where it comes from? I think not.

When I begin to doubt whether or not I miss out of the very ideal of intimate exchange of physical, emotional and spiritual aptitudes, I often remember a saying:

"You reap what you sow."

'In dark and dank do they grow and lie, but Oh how they blossom' ... soon, it will be my turn to experience the depth and breadth of what others do now. 

May we all find Love and hold tight to it when it brushes by. Who knows when it will pass by again.