Intimacy

I like to think that I'm a nice person. Who doesn't think that way, right? I've never been too keen on being in a relationship beyond friendship with anyone. I've convinced myself that being alone would be very viable. It has only been in the recent months that I've had the deep yearning to get into a relationship, but I'm not sure how and I'm afraid.

For so long, I've held to myself. I've held to my talents and abilities.. I've been happy... or just surviving. The interesting thing is, when I see people that I'm attracted to, I run from them. Running usually keeps them at bay. You know, I don't really think I could ever be in a relationship with anyone unless they really chased me down. I would avoid them at all costs, but if they pinned me down, I'd eventually give in.

When I try to reach out, give them a chance, I am used and then discarded. All that I really want is to be loved, cherished, sought after and thought of with endearment. I thought I had a shape of that once, but it died.

I am afraid. I am full of yearning. I am resolute to believe that there isn't anyone who could fill the void that is inside. I wouldn't trust them, let them in, let them love me. At the same time, I would yearn for it, crave it, beg for it. 

I want to believe that someone could love me... love me for who I am... for the goodness... for all that I am. I want to believe that I am a rare gem of legendary value.

.... it's hard to hold to think that when all that have come, have only abused the radiance that I believe I have.


I want to be held. I want to look into your eyes and believe that you mean what you say. I want to feel safe in your presence and embrace. I want you to recognize my strengths and weaknesses. I want you to protect and support me as I do the same.


...as time goes on, I believe you to be a dream....

.. what pains me the most, is to see others drift in and out of them like carrion vultures looking for another meal...

... a dream... just a dream...

I shall watch and see...

                  ... I shall guide and support, but there is none for me...

Pearl

I went on a date this Friday.

I hated each moment of it. I loved every moment of it.

They were kind and gentle
                                                                         They were cocky and belligerent

They were confident and accomplished
                                                                         They were over compensating and misleading






At the end, I was confused.

They left with a smile, I had not seen in a long time.
A time I had seen that smile they gave me, was during a time of sorrow.



I won't see them again, but I feel they stole a piece of me that I will never get back. I threw a pearl at a swine.


...sigh...

                                           How long will it take to replace the pearl that I lost?

Solitude

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of what you think...
    it's the look in your eyes that tells me a different tale,
      than the silky words that breeze past your lips

I'm afraid...
    do you really find me attractive?
      the caress of your touch sends shocks to my resolve

I'm afraid...
   is your smile really for me? Or is it for what I've given to you?
     the clutch of your grasp pulls me in closer, your strength burns firm

I'm afraid...
   will you keep me close?
      I feel you slipping away, as night gives in to the warmth of morning


... Gasping for air....
      ... though the brightly beams of morning gaze brushes my face...

I'm afraid,


                                                               I'll never feel this way again

Something big is coming...

I am pretty happy with looking at my blog and see that there are at least 11 posts in the year of 2014. HURRAH! I accomplished one of my New Year Goals for this year. This post is my twelfth to finish off the year with a BANG!

This year has been quite the journey for me: Spiritually, Mentally, Physically... The journey has it's ups and downs. I suppose the most of what I've discovered and have tired to remedy is the feeling of inadequacies of  the lack of intimacy in my personal life.

Intimacy is more than just physical interaction with another... in my mind it's the bond of thought and emotion to the core of our being. I find that I'm far too guarded to allow any of that to happen. A part of me is consigned to belief I don't deserve it, a part believes that I need it or die a slow, aching death. It's funny... the very thing I'm afraid of seems to be the only remedy. Quaint how life always allows for the weaknesses and small things in life be the anchors to the soul. It drives me CRAZY!

What really gets me is deep down I don't feel I deserve/worthy of love. Yet it is Love that I'm afraid of and pine after! I freely give my time, talents and abilities to others that they may feel a piece of my love, yet I don't allow for the love to be expressed back to me...at least not fully.

So what have I been doing to fix this?

1: There is a co-worker that sort of took a liking to me. He told me the reason he likes to talk to me is because he believes that I'm a good person inside. He told me that he knows that no matter how sassy I am, inside I'm a 'gentle soul'. I admit that I gave him plenty of sass and continue to do so, but I've warmed up to his stereotypical persona. I've grown to like him and not be distracted by the things I don't like about him. He calls me Joshy... and I call him Tota. LOL... He's a good man. He sometimes asks for hugs and freely sneaks in for one. As you know, hugs are not my thing, but it's nice sometimes to feel appreciated or needed for affirmation. We banter back and forth. He can keep up. LOL...

2: I'm trying to put myself out there for dating. I loathe the idea of dating...relying on someone else. I'm the oldest child. I just have these unrealistic expectations of myself and find entertaining the idea of having another person to rely on is outrageous! I generally go on 1-2 dates a year. This year I went on 6. Yes, I know, 6 isn't all that much, but it's a start right?!

3: I met a really wonderful friend named Rebecca. She has helped me overcome this negative self-talk and look forward to and make progress to a better me. She is a couple steps ahead of me in this pursuit of feeling unworthy of love. She is helping realize that once I'm ready to love myself, I can put out there that others can love me too.

4: I'm trying to be more compassionate and loving to people and ideas that I have no general interest in. I find that understanding and a listening ear for understanding than response is so much needed. Taking the time to learn the points of view of others is far more important to me than judging the facts of what is what. After all, I think that healing is far more important than asking for justice.

*****************************************************************************

I miss things that I used to have and opportunities that passed me by. I just want for this year to have the eyes to see the opportunities and to take advantage of them. Above all, I want to be prepared to meet God.

 It is Faith that will keep me on the path to overcome. Perhaps it's this year that things can be resolved. I'm a firm believer that change can take place in a timely manner.

I suppose now the cross road is: What do I want to change and how can I change it?.....

You and I (Part 2)

I have come to the conclusion that I'm not in a position to love or be loved by another human being that is not apart of my family...

I don't trust other people with my feelings... I don't trust them with my heart... I don't trust them to handle me with care...

As I have grown up, my limited experience in life of 30 years, I've known a lot of hardship. Perhaps that hardship is relative to a child in Syria, but no more real. My family seems to be plague with abuse. We either find people whom with love and care for who treat us with such behavior or we are the perpetrator. For me, I found a friend who I thought I could be myself, share who I was, allow him to love me as I am. He betrayed me and threw all my wrong doings and mistakes in my face while I was trying to have a moment of closeness.

Betrayal didn't hurt as much as I thought it would have. The heart dies a slow and painful death. It is like a withering tree, it first sheds it's flowers, leaves and then soon there is nothing left inside but a husk of an empty shell. I'm afraid I'm so used to that feeling that I don't notice the withering.

My best friend betrayed me. I have nothing from him but lessons of heart ache and pain. Though, I put in my all, love from me wasn't enough for him to realize that. I loved him. I loved him with all my heart as a sibling. Now that I've come to terms with his abusive nature, I cannot allow him to trample on me any longer. I allowed him to trample on me, but no longer. I think the hard part about all of this, is that I must walk away and pretend that there is nothing left. It seems that the only way to remove yourself from an abusive situation is to leave and never look back.

I have deleted his numbers and pictures of the things that we've done together, but yet have deleted his Facebook...

I know, I'm a stupid bitch...

             ... I don't want to start again with another person...
                                     ... I just want to believe that I can find someone else who will care for me and love me as I have strived to love them...

     ... But there is no such thing as charmings or princesses... not even evil is born, it is created...

My solace seems to be that I have my family and have the realization that I'm an amazing person with all I have to offer.


One day, everything will be made right. One day, all the efforts to find the good in all situations will pay off and that I will enjoy this journey of being a better me.

Until time heals my wounds, I will listen to the idea that one day I will find this someone as Betty speaks of.

:)

You and I (Part 1)

Today is the eve of my best friend moving to a different state. He received a promotion for his job and is packing up and moving to Idaho. He got a good raise, a stipend for a brand new car and a new chapter in his life to start fresh and new...I'm sickened by it.

Don't get me wrong, I am so happy that he is getting an awesome opportunity to move on in his life, more pay and a new adventure, I am just really sad to see him go...

Perhaps what's rolling across your mind is: Why is this so difficult? I could write a novel about my friendship only because I've fought so hard to make it succeed and grow into what it is now. I'm not sure exactly how to describe to you how our friendship makes me feel, but I'll try to help you understand:

He is the first guy that approached me in the attempt to be my friend. Now some might not think anything of this gesture, but trust me when I say this is like seeing pigs fly. For me, that doesn't just happen. I first remember seeing him on campus of college in the library. Then I saw him at his job at the local Chinese restaurant. I was there with a group of close friends. We were enjoying some good food and company. As we to the cashier to pay our tickets, he was the one who was the host taking care of that. He asked us what we were doing and was happy to see us come. He had mentioned that I had a loud and funny laugh. We asked him what his nationality was, mainly because Asians usually work at Asian stores. He was half Japanese and American. We said our pleasantries and left. About a week later, I was in the library doing homework in the computer lab and he approached me. I was really shocked by that. Usually guys don't reach out to me to be friendly. So we chatted for a bit, I asked him if he ever hung out with some of the Asian friends that I was acquainted with... things of no real consequence. Then we exchanged numbers and hung out.

Our friendship hasn't always been easy. Actually, of all my friendships, our has been the most tumultuous of all of mine. I don't really know how to be friends with guys... I interact with them the way I would with girls, but it doesn't work very well that way. They always take my kindness and courtesy as flirting and as sexual advances. But he was patient and understanding of my many limitations with him. Though, there were times when we fought and our friendship was done. The funny thing about that is, when we were no longer friends, I had the hardest time with it. He and I did everything together. Then all of a sudden I didn't have a besty to hang with was quite the shock. I didn't know it at the time, he had a hard time as well.

Five years have past since we became friends. I've had my up and downs with him. We've shared disagreements and good times together. He has always tried really hard to be a good friend  to me, the best way he knew how. You know, it's funny that I say that and some people who know him and I would think that he wasn't a very good friend at all. The truth of it is, he and I both didn't start out being friends for the best of reasons. I pitied him for being socially awkward and he saw me as a means of status and excitement. So I see that both of us were users for our own vain ambitions. Time has changed my thoughts about our friendship now. I see him as a great man, he is devoted and passionate to the things he puts his mind to and would make a great husband and father to his future wife and kids. I see him being successful and loyal to all his deems worthy. He's really quite the guy that I believe Hollywood makes love stories about. He's flawed, but his moral compass always leads him to do what is right for himself and others. If we were all so lucky to have a friend like that in our lives.

Dark and Dank

I just recently finished being with my family at our annual reunion. I had so much fun doing projects and also doing nothing. The scream of babies, the squeals of little girls and the laughter of parents and siblings alike as we just enjoyed the company of each other.

Happiness and a sense of belonging is really all that we all yearn for and want in this life. It is the simple joys of family and time that bring this all to pass in my mind. I really didn't accomplish much except bond with my family and my little girl sniffles and that was enough. As I drove home from my families home, I was drawn to the feelings and people that I was leaving. I missed them. I missed my mom's kind voice of love and compassion. I missed my sisters' teasing and I missed my brothers trying to fix and make things work. I missed my little brother not being there because of where and what he is doing for his beliefs.

It wasn't until the end that I realized that there was a serpent in paradise. My brother is driving his wife and kids away because he refuses to believe that he has a problem.

To his defense, he wasn't really shown any other way to treat his family but with mean actions, negative words and anger. He and my step-dad are very similar to that, and they got along the most. Though the real underlying of his personality traits seem to have been implanted by our father. Those those traits flowered into being by the cruelty of our step-dad.

Though, my sister and myself aren't really like that so much. Though, we did not escape the poison of our step-father, I like to think that we clung to the good traits of our mother. Mother was always very encouraging, fair, kind and endearing. She was always patience and supportive. Mr. Step was the very opposite. To Mr. Step, he didn't know better either... he was treated the same.

As I have tried to wrap my head around the vicious cycle of abuse. That is what it is: abuse. I see why it is difficult to cut it out of the life of our families. We aren't taught any better. I find myself being very negative and looking at the bad side of things just like Mr. Step and have a hard time getting over it because that is all that he ever did, was being negative. But it is my goal to not allow that ugly about him to be engrained in me.

I feel for my siblings. As the oldest child, I feel somewhat responsible for their welfare and well being. Though, as they are married with families of their own, I know my influence is limited, I wish that they would always be happy by avoiding as much heartache in this life by observing the mistakes of others and not repeating those mistakes.

It's ironic really, my family seems to not be able to get away from that horrible monster of abuse. We either are attracted to people that have those traits or we are the perpetrator... My mom married an abuser knowing full well that he would one day hit her, but she married him anyway because she loved him. My sister in law married my brother fully knowing he was a turd, but because she loved him, she married him... after 2 years of dating. My sister married a man who was raised by a man who treated woman as inferior, spoken words and actions were very demeaning. Consequently, her husband doesn't have the skills to handle stress or handle a woman who is just as strong as a man in word and deed and belittles them. I just got rid of a friend who treated me like shit, even though he claimed to love me. I put in most of the effort and he betrayed me by throwing all my weaknesses in my face on the pretense of being for my good.... we all have been plagued by this monster.

Now that half of the battle is over, what am I to do? I'm afraid my other siblings don't see this situation as well as I do, they weren't put in situations where they needed to be very self-aware. We are all to blame for the poor choices we have made and to some degree, we knew better. But I am determined to believe that we are strong enough and good enough to overcome this monster that seems to have plague our family for generations. The solution to me seems to be able to recognize my own faults and fix them.

I am no stranger to cruelty. I have my own set of weapons that I use to defend myself. Though as I've grown older and have strived to be as wonderful of a person as my mom has tried to be, they are of no use. You cannot burn fire with fire. You must douse the flames yourself by choice or douse the flames with your tears, either way, fire does not destroy fire, they merely burn each other out... leaving nothing but ash. I have determined to treat everyone with kindness and love...even those I do not like. But I will also protect myself. I will not allow abusive people to come to me or my family if I can help it. I am a firm believer that love is far more powerful than water. Water will douse the flame, but love will suffocate the flames of it fuel.

As the oldest brother, I must treat them with love. I know they can change and find the strength to eliminate this monster in their lives IF they choose to. But even more, I must eliminate it from my life as well.

I believe that if we want love, kindness and a sense of belonging, we must first be those things in order to have them, otherwise they cannot survive in an environment that those things cannot live in.