May 24

Dear Cory,

Yesterday was pretty meh. I was in a good place considering it was a normal day. As the day progressed, I started to slip. I started to just cry over what needs to be done in my life.

I went to FHE. It was a ward BBQ. A lot of people showed up, that I didn’t know who they were. People are fickle about church, which is funny to me. I don’t understand that people have to have friends at church to be able to want to stay in church? There are only a few people in the ward that I admire because they come to church with no intentions, other than to worship. Granted, being social is a great help, I admire the strength and determination of those who go without external help. Often they are the hardest to fellowship. They usually don’t like it. There is a girl in particular that I really like. She is a man-hater though. She doesn’t like me. I’ve tried my hardest to just be friendly and she won’t have it. It makes me sad because I think that I was probably like her at one point or another in my life. It sucks when you try to be friendly to people you’d like to be friends with and they won’t have it. She doesn’t have any issues with rubbing shoulders with chicks though. I suppose it’s not meant to be.

So many people in my life right now are leaving. I have not been able to keep up with it honestly. I hate the summer for that reason, it is so transitional for a lot people and things. When I came home from work, I saw my friend Reid have a moving truck and movers taking all his stuff out. I went over to say hi and we chatted for a good portion of the day. We went to the BBQ together. I was surprised that he hoped that I would find happiness in this life. He said that he had noticed that I have not been myself for the past couple of months. He said that I seemed diminished. I told him that I have been tired. He told me that I should probably take care of myself. He was concerned that I may have put much focus on you and Traci and not enough focus on myself. When he was talking about it, he mentioned that each time Reid and I get together, I always mention you and Traci. He said that because he cares for me, he wishes at times that I wasn’t so involved with you two. He was worried that I was self-destructing with you two. But he also said that he was OK with it because he knew that it was what God would have me do, he just didn’t understand or like it that much. Having Reid express his real feelings about me and his thoughts came as a shock. I’m never really sure if people care or not. Their words and actions don’t always match. I suppose it has to do with my love language meter. Since all my love languages are all about the same score, the book says that I am really good at showing love, but it is a challenge for someone like me to feel loved.

Watching people move in life is hard. I feel damned sometimes. Like Rapunzel stuck in a tower waiting for the great apocalypse to take over the world so that I can be called home. Haha… it’s funny. I almost imagine that 7 dudes will just show up to my magic tower, looking for answers and they’ll find a answer.

Sometimes, I think that if I was a girl, my life would be very different. I imagine that I would be as beautiful as my mother. I would be independent, strong, beautiful. I don’t know if I would be married the same time she was, maybe. I would imagine that I would be successful in the fashion industry. I would probably be married, with 3 kids. I would be lovely. I would be the perfect child, reliving the dreams and hopes that my mom had for herself and for me. I would have a family that was full of love, kindness and the Spirit of God. Though, I also imagine that I would have the rocky moments that most people have in married life, struggles, heart ache, though I imagine that because of who I was, I would make it work. My children would be loved and cared for. I would make them clothes, I would love them! The beauty of my kids would be that they were kind, that they could feel the Spirit and they were considerate and just gracious. My oldest daughter, I would name her after mom. Mom would love them too. I would be the best parent that I could be. If I was lucky, I would have married an equal who was just as great as I was. I would be a treasure and a wonderful reflection of the wonder of my mom.

I don’t find such grandeur in being a nun, locked in a tower. LOL. This song brings me comfort and yearnings. I forget that trying to not feel doesn’t work. We as humans cannot selectively numb the bad emotions vs. the good ones. If you numb one, you numb them both. Love/Apathy are two sides of the same coin. If you put one away, the other is put away as well.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WRizF7X2DQ

It makes sense why I like to drown in music, to feel connected. The song, the lyrics, the melody, the harmony brings out the beauty of not just feelings, but it opens up what had happened to the individual of what they are singing about. It isn’t my pain, it is theirs. That means that when the song ends, the pain does too.

I did go to the gym last night with my new ward friend. She is really good at dancing. She is really kind to me. It’s like we’re just best friends. She tells me a lot about her boyfriend and her life. I like her. She has replaced a void in my life that has been empty for awhile. I suppose that is what is supposed to happen, fill spots that are vacant. I am happy that she is filling that spot. It is actually really nice to go to booty zumba with someone. My schedule is changing again. I told you my day off is going to be Friday next week until… sometime.

I found a flower wholesale warehouse! I want to buy a whole bunch of flowers and fill my room. I want it to be a jungle and pretend that it is my own garden of Eden. There will be my fountain blowing the delicious scent of my own making, with my plants, a faint breeze from my fan, my velvet blankets, freshly cleaned, some tea, my Sniffles pillow, a fish and the quiet tune of melodies of hope…. I could just stay in my room forever and never leave! HAHAHAHAHAAHAHA… I want to be able to be talk to the animals and plants… so we can always have fun. Their souls live up the fullness of their creation! Giggles…. OOooo I have a garden growing in pots!

May 25

Cory,

Today, I went to lunch with Reid. Reid is the one guy that I told you that I have become pretty chummy chummy with. He was the kid that first that came to church and I was not all that impressed with. He came with a leather jacket on, some rough looking clothes and just looked ratty. He also said some things in Sunday School and in the other classes that I didn’t like. He seemed very rebellious and had a chip on his shoulder on the things regarding the church. Then I had met him a couple more times at social events and at ward events. I wasn’t really all that impressed nor was I really interested in getting to know him. It was apparent that he was a little bit taken back with me. He told me later that he was a little intimidated with me and my behavior. He said that I was a little too mysterious. Now, he doesn’t think that and I think of him as a good guy. He started inviting me to  go with him to chat and get soda from the gas station. I just went along to just enjoy his company.

I don’t remember how we really got to know each other. I think I’ve told you that I enjoyed him until he changed trying to date my cousin Boo Boo Kitty. I was bothered a lot because he transformed into a far better person because he was trying to date Boo Boo Kitty. I was thinking why he could always be this kind and loving to everyone. Why is he only like this, when he’s trying to snatch a woman? Why is he like this to satisfy his own needs?

It was then I decided that I didn’t really like him. Which, was very fair for me to do. I did it anyway. I mean, he told Boo Boo Kitty that I was really critical of the girls that he introduced me with. But he felt like I was being very critical of him when he started dating Boo Boo Kitty. He was right, I was being critical of him because of her.

Anyway, when he got his dream job, I celebrated with him. We went out to eat and I paid for all of it. We ate carbs and enjoyed all of it. I gave him advice, invited him over to meet my friends, have tea, eat food, we chilled a couple of times. Though most of the time, we just chatted about his hopes and dreams and I talked about my puppies! Giggles.

It was sort of funny, Reid doesn't actually like you. He's intimidated by you. I think I have told you that.

 Anyway, he has been really wanting to hang out before he leaves on Friday morning. Today we chatted about him resolving hurt feelings with this girl in our ward that he was really into and they were close friends and they drifted apart. Then after him sharing with me about his hopes and dreams with dating and his life, I asked if I could do anything for him. He said, ‘Yes, I want you to never leave me. I want you to always be in my life.” I was really shocked by this request. I told him, yeah, I can stay in your life. He then said that he knew that he wasn’t one of the 7, so he didn’t expect me to be as present or put in a lot of effort, but he wanted me to always be in his life. He didn’t want to lose me. I was set back by this request. I didn’t think I was a worthy friend for him. I had resisted him and was very loyal to him. I helped him and supported him, but I wasn’t really all that invested. I feel really bad that he has cared for me more than I have ever known. I don’t know when men care for me. I don’t know how men show love really?! I feel like I need to repent for my lack of loyalty to him. He has always been loyal to me, more than I have noticed. I haven’t noticed it and I feel awful for it.

Then he told me about his spiritual gift. He found it on his mission. What he can do, I cannot say… but I can say that he has felt the Spirit of Satan. He told me about his experiences with that and how on his mission, a general authority had been there to tell him how to cope and what needed to be done to keep himself save. Reid asked the General Authority why he was experiencing these things. The response was, Reid will be responsible for destroying a lot of the works of the evil one in this life. If the evil one can ruin Reid, then he has won a battle in the future that he will not win. Then Reid said to me, that he felt like I was supposed to meet me so that he could help me. I asked what he saw for me? I asked what I should know. He said that I should believe that when the time comes, that he will be there to protect me from the evil one. I told him that I was afraid that I wasn’t ready. I felt like I was hidden from the world. I felt like I was hidden from evil influences, but I felt like the time was coming soon that I would not be hidden from the world for very much longer. Reid told me that he and I were meant to meet, so that he could help me with the onslaught that will come to me in the future. I started crying. I told him that I’m not ready. Reid reassured me that he was supposed to me meet me and I was supposed to meet him. He felt like he is meant to keep me close, so that he can protect me from the danger that is coming to me. He then promised that he would protect me and keep me safe. I then told him that I knew what the spirit of the evil one felt like. I had felt it twice.

Cory, I am afraid. All that he shared with me, I felt the Spirit. There is a collector, but I’m not sure what form that collector will take place in. I need to be far more pure and radiant than I have been in a long time. I have to go to the Temple every week. I need to be better and hone my gifts. I have to obey with all my heart and soul. I need to study and stay close to the Lord with all my heart. The dangers that are coming for me, ‘if it were possible, even the very elect would fall.’ I am afraid that I am not ready for the onslaught that is coming.

I need to pray and visit with God on this in the Temple.

May 18

Cory,

Welcome back to good ol' Murika! I hope that you had fun doing all that sitting around in a plane! giggles... I know that is one of your favorite past times! giggles...

Yesterday and today are a blur. So many things are changing, so many good and wonderful adventures are happening in the lives that have touched mine. I have had a fair amount of people reach out to me. They have wanted to see me before they leave to the next adventure in their life. I am sort of baffled by this. Some of these people, I have not had very close connections to. It is nice and completely unexpected. I've gone on a couple of luncheons with them, discussed their hopes, their dreams, their goals for the future. It's strange to have consistent talks about this. Though, I imagine it will change to as time goes on. I'm surrounded by single people moving on to become married. I wonder what the conversations will turn into when all these single people turn into married people? Though, that is a silly question: kids, careers, spouses. It's a good thing I enjoy the art of conversation, otherwise I would be a bump on a log. HAHAHAHA

I'm excited to get the chance to get my summer tan on! I'm super excited for this Friday! I have some great dance moves going to be wonderful! I am going to WIN AGAIN!!!

Travel safe again wherever and whenever you're leaving! I'm sure you'll save souls along the way!

May 17

Cory, 

I had so much fun last night going to the gym. I went to booty zumba for the first in a long time, and it was SO MUCH FUN! I looked real good in the mirror! HAHAHAHAHAA

What was even more fun, was a girl in my ward showed up in the class, and she said, she had so much fun dancing next to me that she wanted to be my gym partner! So I said, YES! So we are going to be gym buddies Monday night and dance, dance revolution at the gym! HAHAHAHA... You actually met her before. Her name is Sara Taylor. She told me about her boyfriend. She's only been dating him for 2 months. She just told me about her insecurities about him, that she is not sure if dating is the best idea for her with him, yet at the same breath, she was so happy to be with him. She showed me pics of him. He's a good man. She'll likely marry him if she can overcome his lack of emotional unavailability. He likes her a lot, but isn't very much for sharing thoughts or feelings. It's his lack of responses that gives her a little bit of anxiety. It's funny that men and women are so very different and yet, they are so very complimentary to one another.... :). She also described how some of his behavior makes her think that he's a little off. She described some behavior to me and I was thinking... he may have Autism or be a psychopath! HAAHHAHAa... but for real though! Sara is a social worker too, so she may do some assessments on him! LOL

I really liked talking to her about her dreams, wishes and hopes for the future. For a moment, it is nice to look at people and see glimpses of what could be at that moment! It is beautiful! People, are such wonderful beings. There is so much wonder in eternal beings that are trying to be the best they can be. I have been so fortunate to rub shoulders with such grand sisters in my ward. Where I live, there is such strength, such glorious spirit among the sisters. I have also seen such changes in the men. I suppose, my time is done now. I don't know what more an old cat lady can offer the young generation whose minds are set on eternal marriage. I think I need to speak with the Lord to see if it is time to die in the pasture.

I spoke with Thad last night and he seems happy. He actually seems so happy. John is still grieving the loss of his father, so it is interesting to see how they interact with each other. John came by while I was chatting with Thad about the surprise b-day party Thad is throwing for John. It's funny, Thad doesn't really have anything planned. The party is next week!? I offered to assist and he wants me to make a cake?! I don't know if I like Thad that much to make a cake for his bf?!... but I will if he needs that much help. Thad just laughed and said he wasn't sure what to do but go to dinner and then come back home and play games. I gave him suggestions of what I thought would be fun... so we'll see. Thad wants me to go to pasture too. LOL

I've noticed that if I don't write you, all that I have to say, I put on my blog... I've done that a couple of times, where I wrote on my blog and have nothing to say to you! HAHAHAHA....

Now that you're coming back to civilization, I suppose I will continue to write you emails. It's fun! AND you'll be coming back home with a WIFE?! OMG!!! I'm so excited to see who this lucky lady is?! Was the marriage awesome?! Did you take lots of pics?!

May 16

Cory, 

I am writing this that you may understand. I hope that you can forgive me for the thoughts that I will share with you.

Today, I went to the Bishop to ask for counsel and advice. As you know, I was released, so I am no longer bound to the care of the EQ. Though, I feel like I had failed my calling because I did not learn to love the EQ men. I was happy to serve them, but I did not love them. That was the purpose of my calling... to love them.

You also know that I have been going to the Affirmation meetings each Sunday for their FHE meetings. It is a place where I have felt peace and the Spirit. Though, last week, the discussion troubled me greatly. The man that had taught the lesson, shared with us that he was given personal revelation that pineapple marriage is an eternal law for time only. That the church would eventually recognize it and it may or may not be done in the Temple. He also felt that the revelation told him that this was the fullness of times dispensation. We have yet more to learn concerning the gospel and doctrines.

I have been troubled all week about this. Affirmation is not sanctioned by the Church, nor do they seem to teach complete doctrine. Though, the arguments that they make are sound, when riddled with scriptures and reasoning behind the scriptures to support their answers. Another one of their reasoning's were: God will allow for people to make certain mistakes given the go before Him and work out a plan. Salvation is between you and Him. He has given some pineapples permission to date/marry one another, on the premise that they live the gospel the best way they know how. Their relationship is the same as if they were with the opposite gender: faithful, cherish, remain loyal to the other, but with another pineapple. They also condone that what HF gives you permission through your own revelation, He will accept.

This ideology has troubled me greatly. Though, I love being around these older members because they have the experience and know how to function in life, their ideology about the gospel is far different than mine. For example, one of the gents told me that he cleanly obeys the Word of Wisdom. I asked what that meant. He explained that he drinks caffeinated beverages and decaf coffee. So for the most party, he feels in the 'OK' by bending the rules. He also believes that relationships between pineapples is part of the Celestial tiers of heaven. He explained that the Bible is the Word of God as far as it is translated directly. Christ never mentioned anything about pineapples in his ministry. Our theology teaches us how to get to the highest tier, but we are not told what the other 2 are. He believes that is where pineapple unions are placed, as long as you live with complete fidelity.

I shared these concerns with the Bishop and he has advised me that perhaps the longer that I stay with this group of people, their fellowship, support and knowledge, that eventually I will slip into radical behaviors and ideas as your friend Christian has fallen into. This cannot happen to me. Though, I'm not sure I am completely convinced that I will fall. I am more unwilling to let go of a support group that knows how I feel and that I can rely on. They understand me. They know how I feel because they have faced it! Though, I find this great support among men and women who seem to have lived a life that works for them and they are happy... but have not come to the same conclusion as I have. Even Jim seems to be tainted in my eyes about what I can and cannot do.

The Bishop also told me that I am still on the fence about the church. He explained that I still have one shoe in Babylon and one shoe in Zion. I told him that I was going to perform again. He did not approve. He liked that I didn't compete in a pageant, because that goes against the Temple question of supporting radical groups. If I won, I would do fund raising events for them. He told me that I needed to make a choice and deal with what I have been told and given. Old Aunt Rose is my fate. Nothing in my life will change that fate. Being a Nun and all that word means is the future for me. I told him that performing makes me really happy. Going to the temple gives me peace. Neither of those feelings last. You have to consistently be doing things in order for those reaffirming feelings continue to come. The Bishop suggested that I grow closer to the Savior and His atonement. He also said that doing that won't change my fate, it will only make it more bearable.

The Bishop is right. I haven't decided to leave all of my old life behind me. He said that I have no hope, no faith and therefore will remain miserable. He also advised that I find hope and drink some humble lemonade. I am stuck. I feel like there is no choice. I am being forced into a corner. The Bishop also told me that I am free to choose, but I am not free to choose when my test ends. I do not get to end my test.

I don't believe that all the effort that I'm making is going to make a difference. I am going to remain a barren stump on the road for travels to sit on my face as they walk by. He is right, I haven't made a decision. Nor do I feel like doing panda shows will harm me anymore than sitting in a pretty building with people dressed in white will change anything for the better that has to do with me, other than intense warm fuzzies in my heart. Both sensations fade... they don't last.

Trevor says that I should just leave or suck it up. He makes it sound so easy.

I think I am going to do nothing and just fade into the background. What does it matter if nothing changes for the better in the near future, when all that is promised is that it will be worth it in the end! My life experience has always been, you're screwed if you do good, you're screwed if you do bad... so do nothing or have fun doing as you like. Magic doesn't ease the ache. Warm fuzzies come and go as the seasons of time. I have nothing tangible to hang on too.

I am giving myself until my birthday to seriously make a decision about leaving Zion or leaving Babylon. I have been miserable living in both cities... I should choose which one I will remain in. That is what I have learned from you and Trevor, you two have chosen. I have not chosen yet.

I will find out. I hope that I will find something worthwhile....

May 13

Cory, 

I have so much that I want to tell you, and I cannot wait till later to tell you. A lot has been swirling around in my mind, and I feel like I need to share it with you.

My aunt died a couple of days ago. Today is her funeral in New Mexico. It was my mother’s sister. I have tried to go with my mom to these types of events for a couple of reasons. I’m a mama’s boy, it is her family, I don’t like it when mama has to do things on her own, as the oldest child, I feel responsible to know this side of the family that we barely got in contact with and because I just wanted to spend one on one time with my mom. I wasn’t able to go, because I can’t get that much work off to drive all the way down to New Mexico. Though it would be great to do another road trip with mama. We did it last year for my mom’s younger brother.

Let me share with you why it has brought me mixed feelings. The reservations are a horrible place to live. On my mission, I was able to live and see what it is like to be on the reservation. Living on the reservation was the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life. People were dying everywhere, all the time. People were sad, depressed, stuck and had little hope or reasons to live. I took it upon myself to spread love, joy, the gospel, hope and happiness across that small nation, the size of Connecticut. It was just me and my companion for the Lakota Cheyenne River Reservation. I spent the most time on that reservation. I had never felt the spirit more powerfully as I did during Fast Sunday. I still remember the spiritually strong women who would stand almost each month and bare such powerful testimonies of how they KNEW without a doubt that it was true. I mean, I could feel the Spirit like a thick fog that you could cut with a knife! I remember feeling so refreshed and refueled going to church on Sunday, because I had spread all that I had all week long and needed refueled. I remember all the women, who had such strong faith! They could turn on and off the Spirit like a light switch and it would just radiate! I remember writing in my journal and writing to my mom, that I wanted that! I wanted to feel and bring that strength all the time. Though, I forget that it was a high price to pay and I think I have some of it.

Some of the saddest memories was hearing about the Native American Placement Program, the church implemented. The church would take in Native kids and have them live with members in Utah and Idaho. The intention was to help the Natives or the Lamanites have a better life. Though, it hurt the kids more than it helped them. The members abused and were cruel to the Native kids often times. I heard more tragic stories than good ones. My mom was one of the lucky ones. Her parents adopted my mom and her biological mother gave her up, because Grandma Thelma wanted a better life for mama. Grandpa Smith, said that Thelma gave up mama and said, “You guys can’t have children, so I will give you my daughter. You can provide her with a life that I will never be able to. Please, take her and love her and give her a life that I cannot give her.”

As we have re-connected with my mother’s biological family, they have told us horrible stories of how the members were cruel to them. Mom and I are the only ones they have had contact with. But what was worse was, as they grew up, none of my mothers’ siblings are close. They didn’t grow up together. They were shipped out for 9 months with all different families and then barely spent time with each other for the remaining 3 months of the year. My uncles and aunts don’t really have family connections. My uncle said he felt like there was no place for him. He didn’t belong with his own people and he didn’t feel like he belong to the Mormon people. My mom is the only one of 13 that is in the church. The rest of her siblings live very different lives, full of sorrow, sadness and bitter feelings towards life and God. They live good lives, but there is something missing. I have been trying to do my family history work for them, because it breaks my heart to hear the stories. But I love them! They are a piece of me and I with them!

It is hard to watch mama interact with her siblings. She is so different from her siblings. They told her that she is the lucky one who escaped, loved and had a stable family. Though, mama’s life has had it’s horrible challenges, they are right. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster ride because of all of this. I wish I was with mama right now to be there. I know how to assist people during funerals! I know how to heal hearts! I don’t want mama to be alone during a hard time. I am also struggling with gratitude and doubt. I don’t know why mom was saved and not her siblings? I don’t know how the law of compensation has come to help my family? Have not my family and people suffered enough? I am just overwhelmed with sorrow and gratitude for my family. Funerals are never a time that family should come to be together….

So what I have learned from this:

People who aren’t a part of the gospel don’t forgive. They don’t let go of the hurt. They don’t know how to access the atonement or use the Spirit of God to overcome the  ugliness of this life. My Aunts and Uncles are not inclined to forgive or forget. They are bitter and the hurt has cankered them. I see what a blessing it is to be a part of the gospel and to be able to hope for better things.

Being a part of a family, whether blood or not, is so important for the development and satisfaction of this life. Being a family and participating with them, helps build a base where people CAN hope, love and strive for something else. The basic needs are taken care of and then they can conqueror anything. They know that no matter where they go, they always have a place somewhere to return to. I have noticed that if people have 3 things, they can do anything: 1. They feel/recognize the Spirit, 2. They feel Loved by someone, 3. They feel connected to a greater cause/purpose/group, than themselves. I have noticed that if they don’t have these three things, it is very hard for them to move past hardships and challenges.

I am grateful to be able to see the Hand of God in the lives of others. I am being reminded of how important it is to live up to the covenants of baptism and the temple! There is so much suffering, sadness, hopelessness and many diverse ways  that people go and do to feel happiness and peace. But of all the things that we could be doing, living the gospel is so important. Sometimes I forget how much I can make a difference in so many lives. I forget that I can change the course of the future for anyone! But that is also true with YOU too!

After writing this, I feel better. I feel peace. I feel very blessed and very slothful. I can help more. I can heal more. I can reach out more. I can give of myself more freely. I am so greatly blessed. It reminds me of the hymn: Savior may I love my brother, when I walk imperfectly? I would learn the healers art. Pause to help and lift another, finding strength beyond my own. Lord, I would follow thee.

Thank you for trying your hardest to be kind to me. I am so very grateful to have had rubbed shoulders with such a grand man of God! If we all had the opportunity to rub shoulders with a man like you, we’d never taste the aches of despair. :*)

May 12

Cory, 

I love how Gatsby looks at Daisy. I also love the way that she looks at him, with intrigue and surprise... he is so tender to her. I remember a time when I felt that way and was looked at that way... it was like a dream... yet I knew that it could never last. I don't know how people can just enjoy the moments as the come... especially when you can see the end. It's almost as if the journey isn't worth it... the lack luster fades as time goes on. I sometimes wish, I didn't see...

I am sorry that I hide things from you. Though, it makes me feel safe. I keep a lot of my feelings from you because I feel like you don't like to hear the sad/negative things. So, I don't say anything. I just tell you what you want to hear or what you'll believe. I'm sorry, I do the same thing to Traci. I do it because I don't want to get close to you and him. I don't want to care for you two, because caring for people is dangerous, especially if they are dudes. That has been my experience anyway. I have pulling from you and Traci, since I've been going to Affirmation. Those men, of the ancient age, know how I feel. You two do not. I feel more comfortable with them, than I do with you two. I feel so inadequate and out of place with you two. I don't always believe that you two care.

I have found a lot of peace with being with the older men of Affirmation. They are all in their late 50's and up. They have lived a life with the challenge and have seemed to have it together. Though, many do not agree on who to live a life. Some thing that being involved with a man is part of God's plan. Others feel like it doesn't really matter what rules you live by. God will accept and give you all the rules He expects you to live. Some of them have been given permission to date men! Only one, Jim, has lived the life of a nun. He is my favorite. Though his words of advice worries me. I don't want to pay the price required to do that life. He told me the last time that it is really hard, that he's had a hard time finding peace all the time, even though he and I agree.....
... I don't need to talk about this subject with you. I sound like a broken record.... apologizes for the redundant topic.....

Reading the scriptures every night has given me a nice boost of the spirit. I haven't felt the boost before... it is nice to feel this intense feeling of the Spirit. I suppose it's just enough to keep going for one more day. I don't always like having to rely on God. It is hard to do it...  Though, I am trying really hard to believe in your blessing...