Pruning the Garden

Dear Delysia,

At my support group of pineapples, the session was about what the older generation would tell their 18 year old selves what they wish they knew:

Don't go into business with your brother in law.

Our personalities don't really change, but our perspectives do change. Aspects of ourselves change, but our personalities don't really. Be yourself and enjoy it.

Jim was one of the co-founders of Evergreen. Evergreen, is no longer. The premises of the group was, be and behave like a man, your gayness would go away. They developed conferences in 1989. At that time they were national news. Jim did speak to Larry King live... about repairative therapy.

Come out and be yourself. Repairative therapy is an illusion. Don't waste time on that.

Darcy wish he had learned how to have interpersonal relationships with people. He also wish he learned how to bond with men and to give and receive touch.

John went to school, graduated from college. He didn't realize that he was gay, because he never found a girl that was very interesting. He also thought that as long as he is in school, he's not in a position to be married. Then when he was about to graduate, he ran out of excuses of why he wasn't married. He wasn't gay, because gay back then was thought of as deviants and perverts. But he met with a group for support and he felt like the men there were just like him... normal dudes, like priesthood quorums.

He saw that 1 by 1, his friends who were gay confessed to the bishop and they were Ex'ed. So he was afraid about that. So John decided to leave the church. He wanted to leave the church at his own terms. No g's, no sacrament. He felt like if the leadership were ex-ing people, he felt like if God didn't want him in the church, John would gladly leave himself.

He started looking for the real true church. Then came to the conclusion that maybe, the one and true church was a part of their propaganda. So he got really involved with atheist. He didn't want to be alone for the rest of his life as a celibate, so he looked for the truth of whether the church is true. He used his knowledge to find the truth. He has come to the conclusion that the church isn't true, it once was but isn't true anymore. He believes the church is a corporation not lead by God. He isn't sure he has a place in the church.

... He said don't take a mission so seriously, learn to love people and get to know them.

Mark said, If your beliefs are still in line with the church and it's teaching, make sure your relationship with the Savior and God is really strong. He was married and had 4 kids. He would not have ever gotten married to a woman.

Tom said he was overly hard on himself. Relax and enjoy your life. He is a good person that makes mistake.

He said that masturbation should be kept in check. He never got a testimony of the temple.

Don't take everything from the leadership as complete truth. They are imperfect.

Even if you don't got to church, live the gospel you know how to the best.

There is more to life than sexuality. There are more things to life, so live your life.

I took notes and here they are. I thought that the discussion was heavy and somewhat sad. Most of the men said a lot of stuff that I didn't agree with. A lot of the guys talked about how they justified their behavior. I mean, in my mind, the church only allows for celibacy or leave. There isn't much room for anything else.

I spoke up and said that I live a celibate life and that I go to the Temple twice to just feel like there is a place for me and to feel love, peace and comfort. I said that it is a fight to get there and a fight to stay there. I said that it is the only place that I find peace and feel like there is a place for me. I endure all the rules and church so that I can go. I also told them that I have to make the decision to be an active member everyday, to stay with the path that I have chosen.  

After noticing that most of the guys there, who are around my age, feeling like what I was doing was impossible or unattractive, I thought that I was in a good place. It's very lonely. Jim and I are the only nuns. The rest of them were or are in the mindset that if you're a 'good' person that it doesn't really matter. I don't blame them. It's hard to be a part of a religion that doesn't give you much option to live. It was a good affirmation that I am strong. I am really strong! But it is also really sad. So many are happy with their relationships. Jim and I are starving.

I am afraid for the future. But, there is a peace of me that feels like I can make it.... at what price I am not sure... but I can make it.

Calling the Cauldron Black

Dear Delysia,

Tonight, I had a really interesting conversation with Cory Beth. He called me and told me about his trip to Colorado to see his favorite cousin get married. He carpooled with some girls. On his way home, this Latin girl became really angry with him. He explained to me that he he sort of lead her on. On the way home, she was really mad and wanted to share with him how she felt. He sort of ignored her while he was talking to another girl in the front seat. He told me that she sort of yelled at him and told him that she thought he was a jerk. He then told me that he was sort of upset about it. He felt like he should have talked about it sooner than just ignoring her until he dropped her off at her house, never seeing her again. Then he told me that he was sort of annoyed that he lead her on. He didn't mean too, but just behaved really stupid with her with his seductive attitude. I sort of laughed and just told him that maybe he should be more careful about how he behaves with girls. He then told me that he just gets stupid with women.

The thoughts that came to my mind about him are these:

1: Cory Beth doesn't like the idea that he makes mistakes over silly stuff. He's a soldier in Gods' army. He doesn't make mistakes. He really hates being in the wrong and when he knows that he does wrong, he really doesn't like having to repair it.

2: Cory Beth comes alive when he's around women. He's not that alive or himself when he's just with guys. He really doesn't get much satisfaction or validation from hanging with guys. He only gets that from being around women.

3. Cory Beth likes to avoid confrontation and doesn't engage when he's not interested or bored. He likes to give me very little answers and doesn't really answer back when I text him.

4. Cory Beth doesn't know how to be a friend, because he's never learned how to be one, because he's so pretty. The funny thing is, he'll use middle school and grade school as an example of when he wasn't a cool kid or attractive. I think, OK, that happened like 15 years ago. I am talking about today, right now.

So I listened to Cory and his thoughts about what he wanted to do with his life. I told him all these things that I mentioned. He sort got annoyed with me because he said that I was very observant and I behaved like his mom. He said that his mom always called him on his behavior. He said that he would try to get away with stuff and his mom would just find out and tell him to stop doing that. He was happy and yet a little annoyed that I was better at catching his flaws and telling him about it. I told him that I was only suggesting that he learn how to be better. What I saw in him, was just my opinion. I told him that I wasn't asking him to change, I was only giving him information that I saw in him. It was up to him to agree or not.

He then told me that he wanted me to be more invested and more interested in his life. He said that whenever he talked to me about the girls he was dating or seeing, I would give him very one word answers and not really ask about them. Then he snickered and said that he was feeling really awkward. I asked why. He responded by saying that he was feeling like a hypocrite. He said that he felt like it was really horrible that he was asking me to be more interested in life when he wasn't all that interested in mine. He said that I was a really good friend and that he was a crap friend. I told him that he was a horrible friend because he doesn't know how to be a good friend. He's too pretty. He hasn't really had to work too much for friendship or was unwilling to work on it. Now he just has people want to fawn over him. He said that I was a really good friend. I told him that I knew that. Then I told him that there was nothing wrong with him asking me what he wanted from me in a relationship. The worst is that I would say no. But I told him that I would try to be more interested in his life when he tells me about the girls that he is interested in. He said thanks and that he was really happy that I was willing to try.

I was sort of blown away from this request. I thought that I was interested in his life. Then I realized that the thing that he was really into, I wasn't all that interested in hearing about: girls that he was trying to date and get into. It is true. I'm not all that interested in hearing about his conquests. I don't really care who he dates. To me, all that matters is that he dates and finds a wife so that I can move on and get #3.

Then after an hour or so, he said that he was tired and was going to bed. He said that he was sorry that we only talked about him and hung up.

I have really enjoyed that I have come to terms with the type of friendship that I have with him. I approach it very casually. I am just enjoying whatever he wants to give me. I don't ask for anything from him, other than to give me blessings. Even then, I cringe over that idea. I don't want his help in anyway. Though, I know that I need him in the aspects of getting healthy interact with normal dudes and to learn what it's like to be friends with dudes and to bond with them. I don't really know how to do that. But I also feel like I can find that from other places and people. Though, I imagine that it's better if it comes from him, though, I don't think that he's all that willing to make too much effort. Though he sure does enjoy the benefits of our friendship. I don't have any hurt feelings over it. Soon it will end and he'll hurt that he had wasted a year. I am just enjoying what is coming. It just makes me laugh sometimes. He is so willing to give up and sacrifices with people he met minutes before and ignore those that have vested interest in. I forget that I'm not really anything to him. I'm just a means to an end. Though, he is trying. So, I am happy with the effort.

You know Delysia, it's really hard to be kind and nice to people you know don't care about you. I mean, people ask me all the time, why I keep helping him and supporting him despite the fact that he's not that great to me. It's because I have been told to until he moves away in April. Then it's done. I will rest from all my cares with him. I will hold to my word.

Cory did compliment me that he was happy that he was learning about relationships from me. I chuckle and think, I told you all of this a year ago. Giggles... it's sort of nice and not so much fun when you have magic. It's good for me nonetheless.

Love you Delysia. You're wonderful! We are a treasure!

The Greatest

Dear Delysia,

I saw this music video and it inspires me! I like the art that was put into this whole video. It has a subtle title with the hast tag: we are your children. I really enjoy the constructs of this video. I love the drawing of the tears of different colors and yet there is no color to be found in the whole video beyond the paint of color on the young girls cheeks.

Initially, I saw myself in this video as the little girl with the colored cheeks. I felt as if she is asked to be something that isn't inherently something that she wants to do. It's as if she's told to live in a construct that doesn't allow for anything that is apart of her. She is asked to live in a construct that kills the inner part of her being. What I like about it too, is that she's lived this lie for so long that she know longer cries color, she has to paint them on. It's as if she is starving to death from lack of being authentically herself. Yet, she has found others around her that are also having a hard time keeping up with the demands of the construct of their lives, that she is helping them stand up, with the phrase: I've got stamina.

It also reminds me of the idea of our society that if you don't fit in society a certain way, you must fight or die. There is no other alternative to build a place for yourself. I think that the society that I live is very ridged in what they expect. Creativity, Education, Self-expression aren't really rewarded. Our school system was built on a model from the industrial age. Our society rewards memorization and repeating of facts, but we don't reward creativity, self-expression or self-discovery very much.

As a pineapple, I feel like this is the life that I am living. A colorless world. To my eyes, it is colorless. To others that can live in this construct see the beauty of it. They are allowed to see because they have all the tools needed to make the construct work, they are inherently able to do so. I cannot.
Yet, I do love the underlying theme of this song: Don't give up.

Delysia, I'm trying so hard not to give up. I am trying to live life to the fullest. I am trying to find my happiness moment by moment. I am trying to live a slower pace life among the mundane of what I do for now. It's difficult. It's really difficult in feeling that I'm working so much more than most to stay afloat in the rat race of life. However, I relish the days when I find videos and music like this to pick me up. I feel the spirit.

Feeling my Oats

Dear Delysia,

Today isn't over, but I feel better today. Jim wrote me an email about how he felt about me giving up Happy Panda Days. He said that I should maybe reconsider bringing it back into my life. I don't know what I think about that idea. Though, I think that if I were to pick it up, I should really think about getting back into it. I'm getting older,  and with that, making the illusion of being a lady gets harder. I am happy that I did do drag though. It was a place that I could go to feel free.

The drama of work is almost ridiculous. Tiffany, a manager is out of control. She is a victim about the fact that she doesn't do her job. She does everyone else's job but her own. Then when she is called out on her job not being done, she throws someone else under the bus to cover her butt. Karma is a bitch and will soon snatch her fat butt. She is getting fatter and I'm loving it. She has really bad knees so, gaining weight will only make it harder and harder to come to work. Though, now that the rest of the manager team is against her, she is trying to be friends with me and I won't have it. I am not friends with snakes in the grass. 

So I found this song this morning and it is making feel my oats! The video is inciting and the lyrics/tone of the song just makes me feel my oats! It really makes me daydream of the days of when I was infatuated with a guy in Las Vegas. It was nice to have him look at me the way that this singer looks at the girl. It is really nice to have someone talk and look at you with love, desire, attachment and affection. I remember him trying so hard to get my attention. I remember him being so kind and attentive to me. It was really so nice. It is nice to have someone love you and show it in so many different ways. But I think the most important is when you know that they love you when they look at you, your eyes meet theirs and it seems like your souls touch.

I haven't decided to walk away from my nun life. I have to keep making that decision each day, though I do enjoy remembering what it was like to be in love and to feel for a fleeting moment what it felt like when he loved me in return. Maybe one day, I won't feel the ache of wishing. Right now, I don't yearn, I am just reliving a memory of when I was really happy.

Delysia, it is really interesting to me. There is a part of me that wishes that I could love another with all my heart and that he would love me with all their capacity too. Yet, there is a part of me that wouldn't allow it, or would push him away so much that he'd give up and walk away. As much as I dream of wanting to be in a relationship, I don't know that I could. I don't know if I would fully allow a man to love me. I think that love from men is very temporary and hurtful. I haven't gotten over the idea that the love of men isn't lasting, even when they're married. It's sort of funny that when I get a crush on a guy, that I'm mean to him. I'm mean to him to the point where he stays away from me. It's safer for me, because he'll never want to be around me and I won't have to pine after him. Even if I did decide to leave my beliefs, I don't know that I could let go of my other issues enough to love a man and have them love me in return. I suppose being a nun is the best path for me in the long run. LOL!

Though, right now, I don't need to think about that. I am just going to day dream to the love songs of these men singing as if they were singing to me. :) ... hahahahahaha... I know, I'm a stupid hoe. HAHAHAHAHHAAHA

Mount Timpanogos

Delysia,

Cory Beth asked my yesterday to come with him and his friends to go on a hike on Mount Timpanogos. That hike is a killer and really hard. But what else would I have done? So I decided to go. It was really fun. It was really hard and high, but fun. There was a fair amount of girls and boys that went on the hike. I went and was a straggler. But I wasn't the only one. There was a this Asian girl that was slow too. It was nice to talk to her.

Mia was so great! We talked about cooking, China, the church, her feelings of being alone in going to school for an MBA program. I really enjoyed the hike and talking to her. We ate lunch when we got home and talked about why should join the church. She wouldn't join because of the stance on Gays/Lesbians and how women are treated.

Other than that, it was just nice to talk to her. I felt that she was lonely and wanted a good friend that isn't superficial like many of her colleagues in school. I am super sore and really tired from the hike, but enjoyed myself nonetheless.

9/4/2015

Dear Delysia,

Sunday was a good and a bad day.

GOOD:

It was fast Sunday. So I fasted for mama. My sister texted me and told me during the family reunion at the State Fair, that mom was really disrespected by her husband and her youngest son. My sister told me that mama looked really bad. She looked sick and was trying really hard to teach the family some emergency preparedness stuff. But her husband and her youngest child were not very helpful. With my sister telling me that mama isn't doing very good, I decided to fast for her. I hate it when mama puts up with such disrespectful treatment by the people that are supposed to help, defend, love and support. But instead, they are thorns in her side. I felt the spirit really strongly when I prayed on her behalf. I prayed that mama would be strong and be able to receive the strength she needed to overcome the ugly that she would have to face.

At church, I wore all black because I was mourning. I hate the idea that mom has to endure such cruelty from the people that are supposed to be on her side. Mama tries really hard to be a support and a beacon of hope for us, her family. Though, she doesn't really fight back. My sister said that mama doesn't have much fight in her, so that is probably why she doesn't say much to defend herself.

The meeting was really good. Boo Boo Kitty had a really good testimony of having faith to give up dreams and aspirations in order to do the will of God. She testified that it is always worth sacrificing for the Best things in life. I just started to cry. I have made those types of sacrifices for the best, at a heavy price. I am to be a nun for the rest of my life, what more of a price can one pay, beyond their lives?

I also got to go to my support group for pineapples. I hadn't been in a really long time. It was really nice to see my good friends who are old enough to be my dad or grandpa. They have lived a very different life than I have. I live in a more friendly pineapple world, then didn't. Of the 20 men that come on a regular basis, myself and Jim are the only ones who have decided to live a celibate life. It is really hard for him. I look up to Jim. He is 67 and has remained a nun all that time. He didn't come to terms with himself until he was 45. So, he's faced a lifetime of loneliness. He is content with his life, though he's not happy. He told me that often times, he's not happy. He's just content to be. He told me that he has to make the decision to remain in the church each day.


BAD:

I feel alone. I feel desperately alone all the time. I feel that my work with the Orchids is fleeting. Trevor is dating a monster of a woman and he changes when he's with her. He wants her, so he will have her. He will never do anything that is good enough for her. She is a broken vessel of barren waste. She has melt downs over her chipped tooth that you can't see, or the days when she skips her medicine and lashes out. She is a monster and he loves her. He says things like, Josh I will always be there for you. I don't think that is true. My best friend status with him will be replaced by her. She will be his best friend. I am coming to terms with that everyday. I hate her for it. I shouldn't but I do. I would be more content with it if she wasn't such a beast of a person. But alas, I shall disappear from him. I won't endure him.

At the support group,  most of the men lived during an age where they were told to ignore their pineapple ways and to just marry a woman. So almost all of them did, and now all of them are divorced and are living with a partner. Many have left the church, but still like the community and most of the teachings. Though, it isn't an institution that they could align with completely. Some say the happiest moments in their lives was not when they married to their wife or when their children were born. It is now, living with their partner. Others lamented that they married a woman, fully knowing that they could only give her about up to 20% of their affection emotionally/physically. They mentioned that every time they made love to her, their feelings for the same gender only deepened. So many lamented that they starved their wives from love and brought to them a sense of desperation, when the wives never knew that their fate would be that.

With all; this information, I thought to myself: How are Jim and I supposed to survive? Aren't Jim and I literally starving ourselves from love and affection? Are we not getting scraps of 5%, 10%, 15%, 20% of others who love us at a moment and then BOOM, it's gone. How are we supposed to survive? These men had just that much and didn't make it. They at least had a companion that had vested interest in them and it wasn't enough. What makes me think that Jim and I can do it alone?! I was overcome with feelings of desolation. I just cried all the way home. I came to the conclusion that I was going to starve to death and there was nothing that could be done about it. That is the price I have paid to stay with the gospel of Jesus Christ: no family, no love, no companion, just scraps here and there when others feel so inclined to give them.

I told that to Cory Beth and he said that he didn't know what that felt like. He did say that when he gave me a blessing that he felt like good things are coming. He felt that very good things are coming to help me along the path. He also said that he wished that he could take away that feeling, that he could be a better friend, that he could help me in some way to not feel so alone. I responded by mentioning that I look forward to dying because I know that when I die, I won't feel this anguish all the time. That is my hope, that when this life ends, that I will feel peace. But as for anything else in my life... there isn't much to cling to. I told Cory that me interacting with him and Trevor helps keep the thirst at bay, but it always comes back. Cory asked if I didn't like him and Trevor. I said that it's not that I don't like them, it's that Cory and Trevor aren't mine. They will move on and lives of their own. I will be left behind to wait for another to give them help. Nothing is permanent in my life right now. Cory said that he was sorry and that he should probably try to hang out with me more. He said that he loved and cared for me. He said that I have him as a friend to look after me. Then he thanked me for sharing with him how I felt.


Delysia,

Now I just got a text from my step father that mama is in the hospital with stomach pain. She is really sick and he'll keep us informed. I am dying inside because mama is like the only reason why I do the things that I do. Her example is the reason why I hold on. If mama can do it, so can I. I also had a vision once in the temple of when Mama passed away in a hospital bed and I wasn't there. I am freaking out. I am needing to pray and find out what is going on. If mama passes on, a piece of me will die. I don't know what I will do without mama there. My siblings will struggle, my whole family will struggle.

.... I am so sorry that all that I tell you is sadness. Thank you though for listening to me. I love you so much.

Here you will dwell, bound to your grief...

Dear Delysia,

Today has been really hard. I have been really struggling with staying happy and hopeful for my life. There is a woman at my work place that is being a victim. She is claiming that she is being bullied and she is not. She is causing so much drama and I HATE HER! She hides behind her religion and her high christian values, and yet she refuses to see that she is the problem! I hate her! I HATE HER! She is causing so much drama and causing the rest of our team to suffer! I want justice and revenge on her so bad!

Then I spoke with a dear friend, James. I've known James for 10 yrs. We talked about how we have dealt with being pineapples. Man, that sucks. It is nice to have friends that understand how you feel: trapped, damned, stuck in limbo. I told him of how I felt. I told him how the scene of LOTR where Eldrond tells Arwen her fate. I told him that and how I met a older gentleman who is living the nun life. What is there to look forward too? There are no goals that are defined like the others. We are left to drift in the wind, with no direction other than: Thou Shalt Not's.

Delysia, feeling like there is no future that I want or could enjoy like everyone, really kills the motivation to live. Today I haven't really felt like I've wanted to live. No, I'm not thinking about suicide. I am thinking about what to do next. Life is so mundane. What is there to live for? For a gay person, who is trying to live to the dictates of their religious beliefs doesn't have much to work with. All there is the desert sands of desolation and loneliness, unless they decide to live a life of 'sin' and be happy. A part of me things what was written on a gas chamber of a Nazi camp, "If there is a God, He'll have to beg for my forgiveness."

That is an ugly thought to think and I don't think it very often. It just popped into my head and I've pushed it out of my mind. I am just standing in the middle of the desert ready to die. There is no point to my life if there is no permanency. So, since being a negative Nancy doesn't really work, I'm just enjoying the hot sun.

You may think that I feel bitter and nasty. I don't really feel that way. I am just rehearsing the feelings that I have in my heart and mind. I don't feel bitter in my heart, I just feel at loss with being in limbo. I have received all the answers and tools that I need to accomplish of surviving the desert. I just don't have any motivation to survive. I only have the motivation to lie on the sand and bathe in the rays until it's night time or I die of dehydration.

... I am drowning in my music. I have prayed. I have read the scriptures. I am still moving forward for now.

.... Traci called this morning and has been struggling with feeling lost. I'm not lost, I'm stuck. He got what he wanted. His motorbike was sold for the price that he asked. I also spoke with him on Tuesday night and told him to go to the temple the next day. The next day was yesterday. He told me this morning that he's feeling really great because he got his money and is feeling really good about life, that he knows he's on the right path and he's doing well. He is in a position to make his business work, his gf/not gf is coming back to him and he's going on a trip that he's always wanted to go on in Thailand and S.E. Asia with his brothers for a month. All of it is happening while he's unemployed. His life is pretty great right now. ..... it kills me sometimes that his happiness and ease in life makes me sick... So to remedy it, is I don't talk to him as much. I don't want to feel jealous. He's worked hard to be in the position that he's in. His motivation is so he can provide for his family and wife... and all that jazz. I can't fault him or want for the things he has. I have no need for things like that. Who do I need to take care of? No one, but myself. So I don't need half the things he has.

Off to lay in the Sun.... the searing heat doesn't bother me much anymore.....
..... Thank you for listening to me Delysia. Sometimes, I wish that I could be with you.... gone from this place. I'm sad that you're not here with me, but you can still hear me. Thank you for listening to me.