Dear Delysia,
I went to lunch with Boo Boo Kitty today. I love her. She has been such a blessing to me. She has been a true and great friend. She asked me straight out why I am emotional. She said that she could see me being emotional. I burst. I cried and told her how I felt about mom, my life, my most recent talk with Cory Beth, how I missed Traci, how I felt about Boo Boo moving. I just cried and tried to be positive about all of it and to not villainize Cory Beth. Cory Beth is a good man.
Boo Boo gave me a hug and gave me some of her thoughts. She said that sometimes God gives us tools and strength to break the bonds and chains of our challenges. Then other times, God gives us the strength to bare the burdens. She said that God doesn't often give many the strength to bare burdens and not ever given the time when it will end, if not at the end of their lives. She said that she felt like I was a very wonderful Spirit with such strength and given many blessings. She said that she felt like I was a great example to many for not many face such unique challenges that would almost destroy any other person.
Caitlynn has been such a blessing to me! I love her so much! I am thankful that she's willing to listen to me and just be there, to listen and love me. She's been so kind to me! :)
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
Peace and Comfort
Dear Delysia,
Last night, I was really happy to talk to Mama and Cory Beth. Mama was feeling really bad last night. She was struggling with the events that are happening in her life: she is losing her house and is really concerned with the animals. Her dog, Stubby passed while she was packing up her home day by day. Her husband and the youngest child doesn't help Mama. They are really nasty and negative and mama is getting to a point where she is just giving up. I hate hearing that type of report from my siblings. It makes me worry about Mama and her well being. Though, at the end of the conversation, she said that she loved me and was really appreciative of the encouragement and positive perspectives on her situation throughout this whole process. That made me really happy. I told her that on my mission, when things got really hard and unbearable, I would think: If mom can do it, so can I." She said that she knew that and was happy that she could be of help. She said that she was sad, but she knew that things would work out. She just wasn't sure how they were going to work out.
Then I spoke with Cory Beth. He was really happy. He was happy that he went on a luncheon with a girl that he met in Minnesota. The girl with a name that started with a C. She moved here to go to school and so he has become good friends with her. He was able to talk to this girl he met at a Social Club for helping out the community, Amelia. He was also really happy that he's been able to be social with these girls. He had to leave to help his roommate who didn't have a car. I laughed and told him that it seemed that his attitude about stuff was changing. On the scale of Good, Better, Best. He seemed to be in the transition from Good to Better. Then I asked him if he was going to keep his end of the deal of taking out Sarah out as a result of him not talking to 8 people. He paused and said that he wasn't sure. I then told him that he didn't need to do something that he didn't feel comfortable with. So I told him the deal was off. I told him that I don't want him to do something he feels forced into. He then said that he could go to lunch with Sarah. I told him that it was too late now. I told her that Cory wasn't going to take her out. Then I told him that since he didn't feel comfortable with going on dates with girls that he wasn't interested in, and that was the deal that we made to help him stay accountable, that he didn't need to tell me if he spoke to 8 new people each day or not. I wasn't going to have him just buy me things when he didn't speak to 8 new people, I wanted his 'rewards' to be about him being a better person by being put into positions where he could be a blessing to others without anything in return. But since that was really uncomfortable, we don't need to bring it up again. He then said that that is not what he wanted. I told him, that he could still speak to 8 people each day, I just didn't need to know about it. I needed to know because he wanted to be held accountable.
When I told him that we didn't need to talk about the 8 new people, I felt my heartache with anger. Yet, I was so very pleasant and kind when I spoke to him about it. I felt that yet again, this is another reason why I can't trust him. He doesn't do what he says he'll do. He says all these flowery, beautiful things and doesn't do them. He says he'll do things and then doesn't do them. The things that I asked him to do, he doesn't want to do. He would rather give up his world for strangers rather than for people that have vested interest in him. I was mad. I didn't cry. I felt like, there is no need to cling to anything that he says. His words and behavior don't match. He likes to paint this picture of who he thinks he is. That picture is far more beautiful than what he actually is in real life. I don't want him in my life anymore. I told God last night that I didn't want him in my life anymore. I also said that I would keep my word and help him till April, but after that, I was done with him forever!
I miss Traci so much! I miss hearing his voice. I feel like Traci loves me. He thinks of me on a whim and calls me or sends me a message. Tomorrow is his birthday and I wish I was with him to celebrate with him! I love him. I am so thankful that he cares and loves me too. I am grateful that I actually believe that Traci loves me. He's so adorable!
I prayed that I would be given the strength to be able to do what is asked of me with a good attitude. I prayed that what amounts of kindness and comfort that came would be enough. I prayed that I could continue to be kind and supportive to those I felt didn't care for me or felt like they were using me. I felt peace and comfort.
Last night, I was really happy to talk to Mama and Cory Beth. Mama was feeling really bad last night. She was struggling with the events that are happening in her life: she is losing her house and is really concerned with the animals. Her dog, Stubby passed while she was packing up her home day by day. Her husband and the youngest child doesn't help Mama. They are really nasty and negative and mama is getting to a point where she is just giving up. I hate hearing that type of report from my siblings. It makes me worry about Mama and her well being. Though, at the end of the conversation, she said that she loved me and was really appreciative of the encouragement and positive perspectives on her situation throughout this whole process. That made me really happy. I told her that on my mission, when things got really hard and unbearable, I would think: If mom can do it, so can I." She said that she knew that and was happy that she could be of help. She said that she was sad, but she knew that things would work out. She just wasn't sure how they were going to work out.
Then I spoke with Cory Beth. He was really happy. He was happy that he went on a luncheon with a girl that he met in Minnesota. The girl with a name that started with a C. She moved here to go to school and so he has become good friends with her. He was able to talk to this girl he met at a Social Club for helping out the community, Amelia. He was also really happy that he's been able to be social with these girls. He had to leave to help his roommate who didn't have a car. I laughed and told him that it seemed that his attitude about stuff was changing. On the scale of Good, Better, Best. He seemed to be in the transition from Good to Better. Then I asked him if he was going to keep his end of the deal of taking out Sarah out as a result of him not talking to 8 people. He paused and said that he wasn't sure. I then told him that he didn't need to do something that he didn't feel comfortable with. So I told him the deal was off. I told him that I don't want him to do something he feels forced into. He then said that he could go to lunch with Sarah. I told him that it was too late now. I told her that Cory wasn't going to take her out. Then I told him that since he didn't feel comfortable with going on dates with girls that he wasn't interested in, and that was the deal that we made to help him stay accountable, that he didn't need to tell me if he spoke to 8 new people each day or not. I wasn't going to have him just buy me things when he didn't speak to 8 new people, I wanted his 'rewards' to be about him being a better person by being put into positions where he could be a blessing to others without anything in return. But since that was really uncomfortable, we don't need to bring it up again. He then said that that is not what he wanted. I told him, that he could still speak to 8 people each day, I just didn't need to know about it. I needed to know because he wanted to be held accountable.
When I told him that we didn't need to talk about the 8 new people, I felt my heartache with anger. Yet, I was so very pleasant and kind when I spoke to him about it. I felt that yet again, this is another reason why I can't trust him. He doesn't do what he says he'll do. He says all these flowery, beautiful things and doesn't do them. He says he'll do things and then doesn't do them. The things that I asked him to do, he doesn't want to do. He would rather give up his world for strangers rather than for people that have vested interest in him. I was mad. I didn't cry. I felt like, there is no need to cling to anything that he says. His words and behavior don't match. He likes to paint this picture of who he thinks he is. That picture is far more beautiful than what he actually is in real life. I don't want him in my life anymore. I told God last night that I didn't want him in my life anymore. I also said that I would keep my word and help him till April, but after that, I was done with him forever!
I miss Traci so much! I miss hearing his voice. I feel like Traci loves me. He thinks of me on a whim and calls me or sends me a message. Tomorrow is his birthday and I wish I was with him to celebrate with him! I love him. I am so thankful that he cares and loves me too. I am grateful that I actually believe that Traci loves me. He's so adorable!
I prayed that I would be given the strength to be able to do what is asked of me with a good attitude. I prayed that what amounts of kindness and comfort that came would be enough. I prayed that I could continue to be kind and supportive to those I felt didn't care for me or felt like they were using me. I felt peace and comfort.
Sunday, September 25, 2016
Changes in Cory Beth
Dear Delysia,
In the past couple of weeks, I have been noticing a lot of changes in Cory Beth. He is more sociable. He is more willing to be himself in most situations that I have seen him in. He has tried really hard to be attentive to me and has tried to be a better friend.
I have thought about how this has occurred. Traci is gone for a month. I have always been drawn to Traci because Traci makes me feel like I am a priority to him. Traci will often take time out of his day to talk to me, even when it is inconvenient to him. I know that I am not always a priority, but I feel like there are moments when I am. I also love Traci a lot. I feel like he cares and loves me. But now that Traci is abroad in Thailand, I don't have him to run too and chat with. Plus I am still mad at Traci for being a poop to me.
Cory Beth has called me almost everyday since he's gotten back from his internship. He said that since his work load is a lot less this semester and that he has a job to go to in the summer, he's got more time. In the most recent times he's called me, he's expressed concern about my happiness in the future. He has expressed concern that he doesn't want me to be sad all the time. He told me that he thinks that a lot of the time, I am sad and doesn't like that idea. One time he told me that he wished that he could just take all the pain that I feel with my situation away. During that conversation he also said that he wish that he knew better on understanding the feelings that I was feeling: the loneliness, the feeling stuck and abandoned. Yet, on the same breath, he feels that God doesn't leave us alone, he doesn't abandon us. Then another time, he just wanted to see how I was doing. He wanted to make sure that I was happy and always wants to know why I am feeling the way that I do.
Today, he called and spent some time with his family and his sister. His sister is a pineapple too. He was really happy that he was able to spend time with her, even though she ignores his phone calls and text messages. He was concerned that her relationship with her girlfriend will ultimately lead her to being away from the church and not becoming who she needs to be. He doesn't know, but it's too late. She won't be coming back for several years later. So, the opportunity now, is to love her and support her and when the time comes for her to come back, he'll be there waiting for her. I liked that he shared that his mom and dad worry that she doesn't want to be around them when she gets home from work. Yet, Kayla has said that when she gets home from work, she just wants alone time. Cory said that their dad really feels rejected by her not talking to them.
Kayla also told Cory about how her new girlfriend has bipolar depression. Kayla also plans to move in with her girlfriend in November. So he is a little stressed out. He said that he wishes that Kayla would live a life as a nun like I do. I chuckle at that thought, because I've had to pay a heavy price to be in a position to come to terms with that everyday. Kayla can barely function without a girlfriend. Cory did say that he is willing to be supportive of Kayla, but he doesn't really want her to be dating. I asked him if he has told her that. He said no. I told him that he may want to let her know where he stands in all of this, but to reassure her that he's there to love her no matter what. He said that he doesn't want to be another family member that harps on her about the pineapple thing. He just wants to love her.
Then Cory Beth asked about me and how I was doing. I told him that I was good so far. I told him that I was feeling like there is no place left for me in my singles ward. I feel like it's time to move on. He asked why I felt that way. I told him that I can't keep lying about my age. I told him that the main lessons and speeches from the ward is marriage and dating. I can't participate in that, so I might as well just leave. Boo Boo is moving to SLC, Alexis is moving to NYC, Torie is a baby, the rest of the girls are in a position to go on dates and to have boyfriends. I won't sit around and watch them enjoy their dream. There isn't a place for me there, so I should move on to the family ward. I laughed and told him that I would just sit on the back row with all the widows, waiting to die. Cory explained that he didn't like that idea. He said that all of us should be loving and be willing to help one another and to just be nice and considerate of others. I chuckled at the idea that he would say that. He's not that good at that at all! I am far better than he is at being loving and inclusive. Then I told him that is my fate. Either way, I will still be isolated. In the family ward is the dying ground. I will be the old, single pineapple man in the ward. Cory said that he didn't want to see me sad at church. I told him that he won't. I won't be living in Minnesota! LOL.
He then started going on about how he wants me to come visit him in Minnesota. He first said that he wanted me to come stay with him on the couch or his bed. Then he said that he'll just have a mattress at his home with mint green sheets, so then I could come and stay with him and I'd be happy. I laughed and said, " OH Cory Beth, why are you so adorable?" He responded that he's just trying to take care of me. I giggled and said that I didn't need a man for that. I can take care of myself. LOL. He laughed too. I find that thought though, really endearing. My friendship with Cory Beth is changing. It is changing a lot faster and more endurable than what I thought it could have ever have been. I am sort of in shock and yet, I am not sure if it's real. Maybe it is as real as it's going to get. That is all that matters, I suppose. He's a good man.
I believe that I will save him in some way. I think that I save him from a world of heartache. Our relationship is the type, where he'll build a foundation where all his divine potential can have a place to grow and have a well of living water to spring from. That is what he and I are doing now. What I receive from him? A good example. He has told me many times that he's very impressed with how wonderful a friend I am. I can't really say the same about him, but I am pleased that he finds interest in me. He told me that he prays for my well being and happiness. He also told me that he puts my name in the temple almost every time he goes, which is weekly. He cares for me. I just need to learn to accept what he's willing and what he does do.
You know, it's really funny. He reminds me so much of Tristan in the idea that he probably thinks about me and worries for me, but he never cares to share that concern. Yet, Cory Beth has been like that before, but in the more recent days, he's been more willing to share with me how he feels and his concerns. I am very appreciative of that.
I am very blessed that I have a mother that has taught me how to be a blessing! I am a blessing and a treasure! It makes me really happy that I've noticed the good that can come from just being me.
I love you Delysia! Thank you for everything!
In the past couple of weeks, I have been noticing a lot of changes in Cory Beth. He is more sociable. He is more willing to be himself in most situations that I have seen him in. He has tried really hard to be attentive to me and has tried to be a better friend.
I have thought about how this has occurred. Traci is gone for a month. I have always been drawn to Traci because Traci makes me feel like I am a priority to him. Traci will often take time out of his day to talk to me, even when it is inconvenient to him. I know that I am not always a priority, but I feel like there are moments when I am. I also love Traci a lot. I feel like he cares and loves me. But now that Traci is abroad in Thailand, I don't have him to run too and chat with. Plus I am still mad at Traci for being a poop to me.
Cory Beth has called me almost everyday since he's gotten back from his internship. He said that since his work load is a lot less this semester and that he has a job to go to in the summer, he's got more time. In the most recent times he's called me, he's expressed concern about my happiness in the future. He has expressed concern that he doesn't want me to be sad all the time. He told me that he thinks that a lot of the time, I am sad and doesn't like that idea. One time he told me that he wished that he could just take all the pain that I feel with my situation away. During that conversation he also said that he wish that he knew better on understanding the feelings that I was feeling: the loneliness, the feeling stuck and abandoned. Yet, on the same breath, he feels that God doesn't leave us alone, he doesn't abandon us. Then another time, he just wanted to see how I was doing. He wanted to make sure that I was happy and always wants to know why I am feeling the way that I do.
Today, he called and spent some time with his family and his sister. His sister is a pineapple too. He was really happy that he was able to spend time with her, even though she ignores his phone calls and text messages. He was concerned that her relationship with her girlfriend will ultimately lead her to being away from the church and not becoming who she needs to be. He doesn't know, but it's too late. She won't be coming back for several years later. So, the opportunity now, is to love her and support her and when the time comes for her to come back, he'll be there waiting for her. I liked that he shared that his mom and dad worry that she doesn't want to be around them when she gets home from work. Yet, Kayla has said that when she gets home from work, she just wants alone time. Cory said that their dad really feels rejected by her not talking to them.
Kayla also told Cory about how her new girlfriend has bipolar depression. Kayla also plans to move in with her girlfriend in November. So he is a little stressed out. He said that he wishes that Kayla would live a life as a nun like I do. I chuckle at that thought, because I've had to pay a heavy price to be in a position to come to terms with that everyday. Kayla can barely function without a girlfriend. Cory did say that he is willing to be supportive of Kayla, but he doesn't really want her to be dating. I asked him if he has told her that. He said no. I told him that he may want to let her know where he stands in all of this, but to reassure her that he's there to love her no matter what. He said that he doesn't want to be another family member that harps on her about the pineapple thing. He just wants to love her.
Then Cory Beth asked about me and how I was doing. I told him that I was good so far. I told him that I was feeling like there is no place left for me in my singles ward. I feel like it's time to move on. He asked why I felt that way. I told him that I can't keep lying about my age. I told him that the main lessons and speeches from the ward is marriage and dating. I can't participate in that, so I might as well just leave. Boo Boo is moving to SLC, Alexis is moving to NYC, Torie is a baby, the rest of the girls are in a position to go on dates and to have boyfriends. I won't sit around and watch them enjoy their dream. There isn't a place for me there, so I should move on to the family ward. I laughed and told him that I would just sit on the back row with all the widows, waiting to die. Cory explained that he didn't like that idea. He said that all of us should be loving and be willing to help one another and to just be nice and considerate of others. I chuckled at the idea that he would say that. He's not that good at that at all! I am far better than he is at being loving and inclusive. Then I told him that is my fate. Either way, I will still be isolated. In the family ward is the dying ground. I will be the old, single pineapple man in the ward. Cory said that he didn't want to see me sad at church. I told him that he won't. I won't be living in Minnesota! LOL.
He then started going on about how he wants me to come visit him in Minnesota. He first said that he wanted me to come stay with him on the couch or his bed. Then he said that he'll just have a mattress at his home with mint green sheets, so then I could come and stay with him and I'd be happy. I laughed and said, " OH Cory Beth, why are you so adorable?" He responded that he's just trying to take care of me. I giggled and said that I didn't need a man for that. I can take care of myself. LOL. He laughed too. I find that thought though, really endearing. My friendship with Cory Beth is changing. It is changing a lot faster and more endurable than what I thought it could have ever have been. I am sort of in shock and yet, I am not sure if it's real. Maybe it is as real as it's going to get. That is all that matters, I suppose. He's a good man.
I believe that I will save him in some way. I think that I save him from a world of heartache. Our relationship is the type, where he'll build a foundation where all his divine potential can have a place to grow and have a well of living water to spring from. That is what he and I are doing now. What I receive from him? A good example. He has told me many times that he's very impressed with how wonderful a friend I am. I can't really say the same about him, but I am pleased that he finds interest in me. He told me that he prays for my well being and happiness. He also told me that he puts my name in the temple almost every time he goes, which is weekly. He cares for me. I just need to learn to accept what he's willing and what he does do.
You know, it's really funny. He reminds me so much of Tristan in the idea that he probably thinks about me and worries for me, but he never cares to share that concern. Yet, Cory Beth has been like that before, but in the more recent days, he's been more willing to share with me how he feels and his concerns. I am very appreciative of that.
I am very blessed that I have a mother that has taught me how to be a blessing! I am a blessing and a treasure! It makes me really happy that I've noticed the good that can come from just being me.
I love you Delysia! Thank you for everything!
My Mission President
Dear Delysia,
My mission President was an amazing man. During my mission, I wasn't always sure if he liked me or believed in me. The mission was a hard time in my life. I was ridiculed and questioned a lot because of the way that people perceived me. For the most part, they were not wrong that they thought that I was a pineapple, it was all the crap that was associated with that title. It meant that I was unworthy, I was deviant, that I didn't belong to the community. I endured it to the best of my ability. I think that I did a really good job. I made my mistakes, but I felt like I did my best. At the end of my mission, I asked the Lord if He had accepted my offering, if he was pleased with my effort and sacrifice. He told me he did.
It wasn't till much later that President Osguthorpe told me that he didn't have much faith in my abilities nor did he feel like I had the capacities to make a good missionary. He told me that he had some very serious reservations about me and my ability to stay on a mission. The fact that I was a pineapple, made him very concerned. He told me that he was incredibly impressed with how I was able to make miracles happen. He said that I was good at sizing up situations, sizing up people, seeing their needs and then satisfying their needs. He said that he was very impressed with my abilities to turn a place of desolation into a blossoming place of wonder.
So consequently, I have tried to stay in contact with him. He has been a good influence in my life for good, as much as I have let him. Periodically, I call him to just chat and see how he is doing. He was the general President of the Sunday School and is now currently serving as a Temple president.
The other day, I was thinking that I should call him and ask him about how he has felt his service in the Temple has changed his life. After all, he has pretty much shown that he obeys the commands that come to him, what does he find blesses him in serving in the Temple all day for 5 years?
These are his thoughts:
1. It brings out a sweetness about you.
2. You are literally saving souls.
3. You're refined.
"You realize that the things that we are facing, don't really matter. They are temporary. You begin to see what really matters the most."
4. It has an accumulative effect on your soul.
5. It brings out the Godliness in you.
After the short conversation about that, he said that he needed to go for other engagements needed. He then ended our conversation with this:
"You are a hero to us. You go twice a week. You are a hero to us for doing the right."
My mission President was an amazing man. During my mission, I wasn't always sure if he liked me or believed in me. The mission was a hard time in my life. I was ridiculed and questioned a lot because of the way that people perceived me. For the most part, they were not wrong that they thought that I was a pineapple, it was all the crap that was associated with that title. It meant that I was unworthy, I was deviant, that I didn't belong to the community. I endured it to the best of my ability. I think that I did a really good job. I made my mistakes, but I felt like I did my best. At the end of my mission, I asked the Lord if He had accepted my offering, if he was pleased with my effort and sacrifice. He told me he did.
It wasn't till much later that President Osguthorpe told me that he didn't have much faith in my abilities nor did he feel like I had the capacities to make a good missionary. He told me that he had some very serious reservations about me and my ability to stay on a mission. The fact that I was a pineapple, made him very concerned. He told me that he was incredibly impressed with how I was able to make miracles happen. He said that I was good at sizing up situations, sizing up people, seeing their needs and then satisfying their needs. He said that he was very impressed with my abilities to turn a place of desolation into a blossoming place of wonder.
So consequently, I have tried to stay in contact with him. He has been a good influence in my life for good, as much as I have let him. Periodically, I call him to just chat and see how he is doing. He was the general President of the Sunday School and is now currently serving as a Temple president.
The other day, I was thinking that I should call him and ask him about how he has felt his service in the Temple has changed his life. After all, he has pretty much shown that he obeys the commands that come to him, what does he find blesses him in serving in the Temple all day for 5 years?
These are his thoughts:
1. It brings out a sweetness about you.
2. You are literally saving souls.
3. You're refined.
"You realize that the things that we are facing, don't really matter. They are temporary. You begin to see what really matters the most."
4. It has an accumulative effect on your soul.
5. It brings out the Godliness in you.
After the short conversation about that, he said that he needed to go for other engagements needed. He then ended our conversation with this:
"You are a hero to us. You go twice a week. You are a hero to us for doing the right."
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
A day with Boo Boo Kitty
Dear Delysia,
Yesterday, I had a great afternoon with my Cousin, Boo Boo Kitty. She had called me the night before and I cried and cried to her about my melt downs with my life situations. So yesterday she asked me to see her at her home and eat delicious food.
Boo Boo made this sausage, cabbage, roasted pear dish! She shared with me that her sister, Tamara had left for Wales for her masters program. She started crying and said that she felt hatred towards her sister. Tamara has a hard time being kind or considerate of others feelings. She is a bully very often to others and can do no wrong, under the guise of being 'self-expressive'. Boo Boo then talked about this guy she went on a date with. He's tall, handsome, muscular and didn't have much interest in education because he picks things up pretty well. She showed me a picture of him. He was handsome. She said that he wasn't really impressed with the idea that he didn't have much emphasis on education. She also said that he wasn't very charismatic. I thought that was interesting, given that she described him as being a 'bro' type guy. That is probably a good thing for the guy.
Boo Boo and I made a deal, where if I didn't have a DTR with Cory Beth for a week, that she would take me to Communal for dessert. So I won and asked her to pay up. So we went to that restaurant and we ate butterscotch pudding. It was really good! During that time, I told her the boundaries I put on my relationship with Traci and accepting my relationship with Cory Beth. I shared with her that Cory Beth said that he wanted me to be more interested in his life with girls and dating. Yet at the same breath, he said that he was very uncomfortable because he felt like hypocrite. He wanted me to be more interested in his life but wasn't really interested in mine. He didn't say if he would try to be, yet why would I ask for him to try to be interested in my life? As a friend, I feel like you naturally do that. So I shared with Boo Boo that I want is to feel like I am a priority, that I matter. I feel like Cory Beth treats our friendship like scraps. He'll talk to me when he's got nothing else to do or isn't bothered by other things. He gives me the scraps of his time. When it's convenient, he'll give the left overs to me. I have sacrificed all that I have to be a good friend to him, be supportive and just be a good friend because that is what friends do: you love your friends. Boo Boo said then that it was really hard to be in relationship where one loves more than the other. She said that she was sorry that I was the one that loved more than him. She also said that she really was disgusted with Cory for saying what he did about not being interested in my life, but he wanted more from me in his life.
We then went on a hike and talked more about Boo Boo leaving to live in SLC. She doesn't have a support system up there. She wants to get a calling that will really push her to be active with the ward. She also told me that in October that she'll revisit her relationship with Reid. I was really excited for that! I see that her relationship with him isn't over. What that means in the future? I don't really know, but I do know that their relationship isn't done.
I love Boo Boo Kitty! She brings me a lot of peace! I am so happy that she is my friend! She brings me such peace. She told me that she is a grounding force to my crazy! HAHAHAA... she likes to kill the fantasy sometimes! giggles... but it's important that she does that.
I am happy Delysia. I am really happy that I was able to just be myself and release all my crazy. Boo Boo says I should go back to therapy, so I am going back. I am an ocean of crazy and I should probably go back and get my ocean to stay calm. Though, sharing how I feel about stuff, really helps me.
Love you Delysia!
Yesterday, I had a great afternoon with my Cousin, Boo Boo Kitty. She had called me the night before and I cried and cried to her about my melt downs with my life situations. So yesterday she asked me to see her at her home and eat delicious food.
Boo Boo made this sausage, cabbage, roasted pear dish! She shared with me that her sister, Tamara had left for Wales for her masters program. She started crying and said that she felt hatred towards her sister. Tamara has a hard time being kind or considerate of others feelings. She is a bully very often to others and can do no wrong, under the guise of being 'self-expressive'. Boo Boo then talked about this guy she went on a date with. He's tall, handsome, muscular and didn't have much interest in education because he picks things up pretty well. She showed me a picture of him. He was handsome. She said that he wasn't really impressed with the idea that he didn't have much emphasis on education. She also said that he wasn't very charismatic. I thought that was interesting, given that she described him as being a 'bro' type guy. That is probably a good thing for the guy.
Boo Boo and I made a deal, where if I didn't have a DTR with Cory Beth for a week, that she would take me to Communal for dessert. So I won and asked her to pay up. So we went to that restaurant and we ate butterscotch pudding. It was really good! During that time, I told her the boundaries I put on my relationship with Traci and accepting my relationship with Cory Beth. I shared with her that Cory Beth said that he wanted me to be more interested in his life with girls and dating. Yet at the same breath, he said that he was very uncomfortable because he felt like hypocrite. He wanted me to be more interested in his life but wasn't really interested in mine. He didn't say if he would try to be, yet why would I ask for him to try to be interested in my life? As a friend, I feel like you naturally do that. So I shared with Boo Boo that I want is to feel like I am a priority, that I matter. I feel like Cory Beth treats our friendship like scraps. He'll talk to me when he's got nothing else to do or isn't bothered by other things. He gives me the scraps of his time. When it's convenient, he'll give the left overs to me. I have sacrificed all that I have to be a good friend to him, be supportive and just be a good friend because that is what friends do: you love your friends. Boo Boo said then that it was really hard to be in relationship where one loves more than the other. She said that she was sorry that I was the one that loved more than him. She also said that she really was disgusted with Cory for saying what he did about not being interested in my life, but he wanted more from me in his life.
We then went on a hike and talked more about Boo Boo leaving to live in SLC. She doesn't have a support system up there. She wants to get a calling that will really push her to be active with the ward. She also told me that in October that she'll revisit her relationship with Reid. I was really excited for that! I see that her relationship with him isn't over. What that means in the future? I don't really know, but I do know that their relationship isn't done.
I love Boo Boo Kitty! She brings me a lot of peace! I am so happy that she is my friend! She brings me such peace. She told me that she is a grounding force to my crazy! HAHAHAA... she likes to kill the fantasy sometimes! giggles... but it's important that she does that.
I am happy Delysia. I am really happy that I was able to just be myself and release all my crazy. Boo Boo says I should go back to therapy, so I am going back. I am an ocean of crazy and I should probably go back and get my ocean to stay calm. Though, sharing how I feel about stuff, really helps me.
Love you Delysia!
The Parable of the Elephant
An Elephant and a Dog became pregnant at the same time. Three months down the line, the Dog gave birth to six puppies. Six months later the dog was pregnant again. Nine months passed and the Dog gave birth to another dozen puppies. That pattern continued.
On the eighteenth month, the Dog approached the elephant questioning, "Are you sure that you are pregnant? We became pregnant on the same day. I have given birth three times to a dozen puppies and they are now grown to become big dogs, yet you are still pregnant. What's going on?"
The Elephant replied, "There is something I want you to understand. What I am carrying is not a puppy but an elephant. I only give birth to one in two years. When my baby hits the ground, the earth feels it. When my baby crosses the road, human beings stop and watch in admiration. What I carry draws attention. What I am carrying is mighty and great."
Don't lose faith when you see others receive answer to their prayers. Don't be envious of others testimonies. If you haven't received your own blessings, don't despair.
Say to yourself, "My time is coming and when it hits the surface of the earth, people shall yield in admiration."
Monday, September 19, 2016
The Seppuku Squad
I had a long talk with my friend, Stephen. He and I served together on the EQ presidency. He is not the typical member. He is rather quite content of where he is right now. He's not quite a heretic, though he's not interested in going to the Temple or living some statues of the rules of which are asked of us. Though, I do not hold that against him. He's far more interested in the lives of others around him, that I believe his vices are far out shadowed by his virtues. I miss him. I felt like he really loved me and cared for me, of his own free will. He is now gone, doing his master's program in Chicago, Northwestern.
I told him that I can't go on much longer in the life that I've chosen. I told him that on Saturday I fought myself of whether or not I wanted to go to the Temple. I went after much inner turmoil. I just sat in the walkway and cried. I prayed and yelled, screamed and cried in the prayer. I said that I felt like He was hurting me on purpose! I felt like He was punishing me and took pleasure in watching me hurt, giving me these vague, unrealistic promises of wisping glory at the end of the tunnel. I told Him that I couldn't do it anymore. I was hurting and I was hurting because He placed me in a position where there was no relief, only pain that never ends! After 45 minutes of that, I couldn't stand it anymore and left. I couldn't stand that all I had to share was anger, loneliness, hurt and betrayal. I couldn't stand feeling that feeling that I feel in the Temple: a still, soft sensation in my heart. That feeling wouldn't go away for all my yelling in my prayer. It seemed as if it was a mocking of my feelings. I felt like it was Him saying to me: I know, you're hurt and it's painful, but I am here and it sucks. No relief, no change, just I'm here, too bad.
To add hurt to injury, having Cory Beth call me and drone about girls and how he was going to Cedar City to go on a first date. He spent all day there. He left at noon and didn't get home till midnight. I listened to him for 2 hours talk about how excited he was to go and then drone on about how he should have left earlier than romp in the woods, ride long boards, cuddle, eat food and then come home. I listen to him because that is what he's asked of me, to be more interested in his love conquests and the girls that he's trying to date. I am always amazed at the lengths of effort that he goes through to go on a date and feel validation from a woman. For the people that have vested interest in him, he's not that willing at all. It's disappointing and yet he doesn't know better. I once wished that he would care for me as he does strangers, but I offer him nothing he wants. I have given that hope away and satisfied with the scraps he's willing to give me. Coming to terms with things like that, really makes living in the slums of depravity so much more bearable.
I told Stephen that out of a scale of 1-10 of performing Seppuku, I'm at a 5. Stephen was really concerned. He asked me if I had told anyone else. I told him that I hadn't. Then Stephen asked me why I told him. I told him that I felt like he cared for me without any intent to have anything from me in return. I also told him that I felt like he's a really good listener. Stephen is really good at listening. I felt better sharing with Stephen how I felt. He can't do anything, because he's in Chicago, but it was nice to believe that he cares for me.
I told another friend of mine that I am at that scale, Taylor. He is in the same predicament as me. The main difference is that he's married to a man of his dreams. Taylor knows how I feel, so it was nice to just share how I feel. He cried to me. He was really emotional because he's been in the same situation as I am in. He's been where I have been, feeling isolated and alone. He said that he just let go of all the things that he believed in and just asked God to tell him what to do. He said that God told him to date and be happy. So that is what Taylor did. He told me that now that he's married to Kenneth, he has really yearned for his faith community. Though, he is expecting to be excommunicated because he married Kenneth. In our faith, that is considered apostate behavior. Though Taylor affirms that he has done what he's been told to do by the divine. He said that how he communicated with God is how he got his answers. So he lamented that if he is in the wrong, so is the church for teaching him the false way to speak with God. Taylor then started to cry and was so grateful that he found Kenneth and that he was so sorry that I was feeling alone and feeling abandoned. He held my hand and just squeezed it for a moment. It felt nice to relate and to be related to by one who has walked on the same thorny road as I have.
So yesterday, I asked Cory Beth to give me a blessing. I was told that I needed to ask him from my last Temple trip. So he gave me one last night. I prayed before he came and before he gave me the blessing. I felt the spirit. Cory had mentioned that I said really good prayers and that he felt the spirit. I recorded the blessing, so that I could remember what was told to me. The main things that I remember is that Cory referred to Heavenly Father in a respectful, distance titled way: Our God. He said 'Our God' a lot. In my mind, that is a distant way to refer to Him. The other thing that sticks out in my mind is, the blessing referred to God as having a regard to my life as very precious to Him. I don't know what that means. I imagine that God thinks that my life is important? I don't know, I haven't really thought about it. It also said that God has helped me and comforted me along the way and that I should always remember how often that has come. I was told that my health was enhanced and will continue to do so as I continue to be a good person.Then the last thing that really stuck out was that God has a lot of glory and greatness is in store for me, but what is required is that I praise Him, cling to Him and to not forget Him. I don't know what that greatness is? More suffering, being alone and tortured until I die.
After the blessing, Cory Beth said that he definitely felt the Spirit. I was happy for that. He doesn't really feel the spirit that often.
I feel better writing this all down. I feel better talking to people about how I feel, especially people that I feel care for me, like Taylor and Stephen. I would like to tell mama, but I'm afraid that she would be hurt to know how I feel, so I hide it from her. I don't want mama to worry about me given that she is really sick and afflicted with her health and the men that she's shackled too. I don't want to be a source of her pain. I just want mama to be happy! I sent her some herbal remedies to help her with the swelling on her digestive tract. She said that she's noticed some good differences. I am really glad that she's taking it. I also sent her the rest of the herbs and the pill maker so she just has to buy the pills to fill them. Then mama sent me pics of Sniffles! I just squealed for joy because I love hers so much! Sniffles is my baby and she mew mew mews and purr purr purrs and licks my nose! giggles... I love mama so much! I love my baby so much and I love my siblings and their babies so much!
I want to give up. I can't do this for very much longer. I feel like I'm an amazing person and all that I get in return is stones, rocks and snakes with a warm fuzzy of, 'Here you go, this is for your good. Enjoy.'
I'm am the best that I have ever been and things are going to crap. My family is still in shambles, it seems were are just barely getting by. Yet, I feel like there is no point is trying to make anything happen because it will just be taken away or destroyed and we'll have to pick up the pieces and learn to enjoy the cruelty of this all powerful being that has all in His hand. What is the point if all that is meant to happen is endure His cruelty and then our reward is to live with Him again? I'm not sure that I want that. I don't want to be like Him. He's a cruel man. I've tried my hardest to never become like that and I see him as such. I'm not sure that I can cling to and praise a being that I'm learning to despise.
.... I feel awful saying that... it is how I feel and I just want it to end.... I can wait though. Mama needs me. I can wait till she is gone. She won't be alive for much longer, a couple of years. So, I can wait till then. :) I'm not sure that anything that I've accomplished is worth it. I'm still hurting, I'm still stuck, I'm still alone and hurting. But Mama still loves me and so do my babies and Sniffles. I can for just a little bit longer... or at least I can finish today. ...
I can finish today.
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