Dear Delysia,
Today was a good day. It was a struggle nonetheless, but was good. This morning there was news that a shooting had occurred in Orlando Florida. The shooting was done in a gay club. 50 people had been reported to be dead with another 45 had be critically injured. Shootings happen all the time. I was trying to think to myself, why the news thought that this one was so important compared to the many other shootings that happen in the country. I was also thinking to myself, it's getting to a point where places are not safe. Society seems to becoming very desensitized to violence and corruption among the ranks of our society.
I had a dream last night about going on a date with Peter. I dreamed that I would go on a date, that he would be really interested and then we'd become exclusive. He would be hurting and I would be the type of person to help him heal, to help him feel loved. I would become very emotionally, intellectually and spiritually connected to him. Then he would want to make the relationship between us far more closer and intimate. He'd want to do the nasty with me. I would resist him, but then would probably come to a point where I would either need to give in or leave him. An ache came to my heart. I woke up. I feel like this was a flash of what could be with Peter. It also made me think, I cannot date. The whole point of dating is to try and see if you would be willing to build a world with that person. I could build a world with Peter. I could be happy. I could make him happy. But, at what price? The price would ruin me. I would pay for that mistake for the rest of my life, like my father or step-dad before me. I do not what to ever have to make that type of mistake where I paid for it for the rest of my life. In the lifestyle of any intimate relationship, physical appetites is something that is always involved. I cannot indulge in that. That is not what I want. I want to feel connected with another with mind, heart and soul. I'm afraid that can never be. There are so many absolutes in my life, with no leeway. My date with Peter was supposed to be today. But I told him that I had other plans that I had forgotten about.
Cory had texted me today, saying that he was still really sick and wanted to know if I had gone on the date with Peter. I ignored his inquiry and told him that I was sorry to hear that he was still ill. He then told me that since he's been sick, it reminds him of being with his X. I had sent him pics of my babies and my little girl Sniffles. I told him that Sniffles had magic powers and that he could draw on her powers. Cory then told me that he was looking at the picture of Peter. He told me that Peter scares him because he see's a dark countenance about him. He also assumed that I went on the date with Peter when I dodged the question. Then I asked him what that means, what does it mean that he has a dark countenance? Cory ignored that question and said that he was sad that I was dating. He told me he was really sad because God told me not to, and I was doing it anyway. He was confused at how I am supposed to get revelation or help him or Trevor if I am going against what I've been told. He said that it made him really sad to think about all of that. That PISSED ME OFF so much! Cory doesn't understand ANYTHING! That statement made me think, that he doesn't care about anything but whether or not he gets the benefits of my abilities. It makes him sad that he can't get the help he needs from me because I'm unworthy. He might as well have said that! He knows nothing! Cory is such a selfish, typical man. He reminds me so much of Tristan, that I can't even stand to talk, listen, or read the texts of what Cory has to say. It's like he needs my approval, but yet doesn't care about that, as long as he gets what he wants, when he wants it and then off he goes to conquer for his joy and pleasure! I then told him that I appreciated his text. I also called him and told him in a voicemail that I was fine, I didn't go on a date and that things were alright. He then later texted me 4 hours later and said he likes to be free of his X because it reminds him that his life is a lot better than it was. He was abused for 4 months, not a childhood. He could have left at anytime, I couldn't. He knows nothing of pain and suffering as I do! He has had every opportunity to find and sustain relief because he's so 'perfect'. He isn't barred to live a life as he freely chooses in the Kingdom of Mormons as I am. I feel my heart starting to resent him. He is so self-centered and self-interested. His wife is not in Minnesota right now. Yet, he still goes on dates to fill his time and appetites. He doesn't know how to be friends with anyone of value, unless they are models or bro's. He enjoys the company of mud puddles. I feel in my heart that I am resenting him. I have been fooled by another Tristan because I believe that he can change. I believe that he'll care. I believe that things will work out. I don't believe that much anymore. He can take what he wants from me. I will offer it freely. But I shall not love him any longer. He's so amazingly perfect and has all the answers he needs. I secretly enjoy that he's sick. I hope that he suffers and has bad dreams of how none of the things that he wants will come true, because he's a dick! I hope he dreams of having to be alone. Then he'll taste the bitter cup that I drink from! I know... I know.... that is really dark and extreme.... I just can't bare to feel like I am loving someone that doesn't care, especially when I have given him all that I have. I won't endure another Tristan moment! I don't care who it is.
Trevor had his talk with his X, 80. He said it went really well. I am happy for him. He was really feeling the spirit after his talk with her. I am happy that the Spirit was there. Trevor advised that Cory doesn't know better, that he's learning and that I need to have patience with him. Trevor also gave me a promise and a warning. He promised that the ache and loneliness that I feel will go away. That I will no longer feel cheated. He promised that this would happen soon. I imagine that it will happen when Trevor's blessings come true too. Trevor said that J will come back one way or another. He was really happy though, that once Lake Powell is over that they will really talk and resolve some more things. He also said that he'll be in contact with her this week as well. He spoke as if he never broke up with her. Though, he is happy and content with what is going on. It is so interesting to see how people change for someone they want to spend the rest of their life with. I just want him to be happy. I'm at a point that I don't care who he marries. I have already come to terms with the either decision made.
Trevor also complimented me really nicely. He told me that while he was in Priesthood, they were talking about how Muhammad Ali, the boxer was so great. He was great for this and that. The end of the thought for Trevor, was that great people teach other people to be great. Great people help others to be great as well. I took that as, that is what I'm doing. I have been a blessing to so many people. Friendship is all that I have. There are no hidden agendas behind my kindness. I just want to enjoy the company of others. I am less concerned about where they come from and what they do for a living, so much as who they are. That is all that I have. I was really grateful for the compliment. Trevor then told me that I was great, and that he loved me. This time, when he told me that he loved me, he just said, "I love you."
This is a very different thing, because he didn't classify it as he usually does with, I love you friend. He just said that he loved me. I am very appreciative and thankful for Traci being my BFC. I just love him because he's a wonderful human being and grand child of God. I have been so grateful for his kindness towards me.
It is weird not having the Coopers home today. They are all out of town. I went to dinner with a new friend. We'll see how that goes. I chilled with me roomie and just slept. Tomorrow is a new day. I still have a long way to go to be the best person I can be. There is so much damage that has to be undone on me. It hurts. It hurts a lot... and I'm trying not to give up. Trevor shared with me something very interesting. He said that in my letters that I have allowed him to read, that I only see the negative in normal men and I only see positive things in pineapples and women. I responded that I can relate to those two groups than I can with the normal men. I do an huge injustice by looking at men like that. It is hard not to, given that men are the main source of all of my pain and suffering in my life experience. I think sometimes that I treat Cory unfairly because of my natural inclinations. It is hard to go against the grain.... I need some more Temple time... sigh....
Monday, June 13, 2016
Saturday, June 11, 2016
June 11, 2016
Delysia,
Yesterday and today have been a blur. Yet, I have learned some very interesting things. Things that I have already have known and things that made me go, hmm.
Yesterday, I was hurting a lot. It seems like that never ends, the hurt. Though, there have been days where I haven't hurt as much or the pain was gone. I am starting to realize that I don't have much of a choice of not living the gospel and yet, I don't always feel satisfied by it. I just feel calm.
So the things that I noticed. My dear co-worker, Carolyn loves me. She is always bring food to share with me and I bring food for her. It is so wonderful that she is so kind and caring towards me. She really does care for me. And I haven't really noticed it till now. I am so blessed to be watched over by her.
That day, we had a sports challenge and a whole bunch of companies around the valley came to participate and give us money. Most of the teams, were from Adobe. They were mostly attractive men, with nasty attitudes. As I was walking across the fields, I imagined seeing Trevor and Cory on the field playing the games. They are men that can function in this world so well. It made me smile to think that they would be working for a major company like Adobe and would spend some free time doing charity work. I also felt the looks of some of those men, looking at me like I was nobody. It's funny because Carolyn filmed a video of me cheering on our staff, while playing dodgeball. I was so uncomfortable and so weird... I hopped and kicked back one leg. GAY! ... ugh.... I am so feminine sometimes. I'm an outsider always. I should just get used to it.
Then I got off work early and was just depressed. I went to the pool and sun bathed. I realized that laying out in the sun just brings me such happiness. It reminds me of the times in Vegas, with Lindsay Sommer. We would lay out each Friday afternoon and talk about our week and crushes. I was so happy in Las Vegas! I got a good tan, talked with Boo Boo Kitty and played in the pool. Boo Boo Kitty left and I stayed to just take a nap in the sun.
Then I went and had dinner with one of my dearest friends Christie Cox. She took me out to dinner for my birthday. We spoke about her life and mine. She told me a couple weeks ago that she is wanting to go to the temple and I told her that I was a pineapple. She asked how I function everyday with my thoughts, the ache, the loneliness. I told her that I cry a lot and go to the Temple twice a week. She started to cry. She said that she felt so bad as a friend. You see, when I left Vegas, she was having some serious issues with addiction with her anti-depressants and alcohol. People were talking a lot of crap about her and I remained silent and spoke to her often to help her out of her rehab. She said that I was such a great help and support and she wanted to be like that for me. She just cried for a little bit more and I thanked her. I thanked her that she has been so kind to me. I remember when we first met and she was so nice to me. Of course I wanted to keep my friendship with her. She gave me a birthday present of a panda box that keeps coins. I love it! She is so wonderful! She told me that I was one of the strongest people that she has ever met. I love her dearly.
Then I went to a co-workers home. He wanted to give me his planter boxes because he was moving and where he is moving, won't allow for the planter boxes. He is a pineapple and is moving in with his lover. I like him and his bf. I met his old roommate and he was a very unpleasant person. He is a short man with lots of muscles, insecure and just joined the police force! He lied to me about why he joined the force. I can't stand boys who like to assert themselves on others under the guise of righteousness. And he is addicted to porn and is getting married. I just got a horrible vibe from him and his BS.
Taylor, his bf and I went to dinner and shared our feelings about life. They asked me how my nun life was doing. I told them that it is hard, but I have good people in my life. I have a hard time being friends with normal boys. It is a learning experience for sure. Then they told me of a guy that they wanted me to get to know. They asked my type and I told them really, I like tall people and people who are about my height. They wanted to go to this guys place in S. Utah and enjoy his company. I was really excited because he's cute and is tall! Taylor told me more about him and I got really excited! He seems like a person that I could love and he love me in return!
When I was finished with my dinner, I sent a text to Cory and Trevor to look at Peter and see if they could tell me what they saw in him. I wanted them to practice their discernment gift that is growing. Cory could see countenance, Trevor could see attributes. Cory responded with annoyance and frustration with me and I felt he scolded me. Trevor seemed to be very disappointed with me and scolded me but in a nicer way.
I couldn't bare listening to Cory's point of view. He was telling me to get it together. That I need to just keep consistent. He told me that power, peace and comfort can come from reading the Book of Mormon. He's not wrong in that. I just want a break from revelation. I have learned that you are responsible for the answers received. Since my answers are so clear, I am held responsible. He asked me that I wanted to not hear God anymore. I told him, pretty much. Then he told me that living the gospel brings peace and happiness. I told him that I don't agree. I have lived the gospel and I have lived in sin. I am not satisfied with either. I have learned that you're screwed if you sin, you're screwed if you're good. Cory's response was, Why would I want to face challenges on my own, vs being supported by the divine. I told him that it still hurts doing either. I told him that I am hurting all the time. I told him that I would want to do this alone because I could deal with the challenge on my own time. Cory then said to me that that was stupid, in a nice way. I ended the conversation after that. He had told me earlier that he was headed to bed. He needs sleep or he gets snappy. So I told him that I was letting him go and hung up. He texted me and said that he was sorry for not having empathy. I was really mad. I am still mad at him. He knows nothing of how I feel. Granted, he has told me that a lot, but I am just mad. Lady-boys and He-men don't mix. He means well, but he's mean sometimes.
Then when I got home, my neighbor came over and told me that he's a pineapple too and just wanted to share with me how he felt about his life and how he is dealing with it. He said the same thing I did... that he wasn't satisfied with living the gospel or living in sin. I realized that I am a strong individual. I am far more resilient and stronger than most people. And my neighbor is struggling if he can live a life true to himself. I feel for him, though, it brings me a lot of comfort to know that he can find peace with talking to me. It's nice to hear of the struggles of another that you can relate too.
Traci was texting me and was trying to be the best person that he can be. I wasn't going to have it so he called me. I shared with him how I felt about Peter and Cory. He told me that he noticed that I get in a cycle where I was being flirty with this person and found out that Bryson wasn't on my team... I just spiraled into shame and horribleness. Trevor is so kind to me. Though, he spoke to me in an ugly tone and he is not allowed to speak to me like that. I will admit, because I care for him so, I endure it. It is a way that he knows how to show love. I know Trevor loves me. I love him too. He just told me that going to meet Peter, will bring situations that will ruin me. He told me that I need to be in a position where I can be stronger than I am right now. He noticed that I get really sad and depressed and cry out of injustice when I feel cheated. He told me that Cory is right and that I should submit. He also shared with me that Cory see's himself as a servant to a King, in regards to the gospel. I do not. Trevor said that Cory speaks to me like I am a servant too and keep up like he is. But that doesn't work when I feel I am not a servant to the King. I am a unicorn, a prize in the Kings court, not a servant.
I am in need of such repentance. I am not staying consistent to my covenants. I need to be better. So much better. I can't be willy nilly with relationships with people or careless with myself. But it is hard to be nice to myself and a paradigm. In one breath, I am amazing. In the next, I am nothing.
Being a nun is really the only way that I could become something worthwhile. I am not in need of the feelings of attraction. The feelings of attraction will only lead me down the road of losing my gifts and becoming a casualty of war. I am in sore need of repentance and humility.
May it be, that I can be the best person that I can be. ..
Yesterday and today have been a blur. Yet, I have learned some very interesting things. Things that I have already have known and things that made me go, hmm.
Yesterday, I was hurting a lot. It seems like that never ends, the hurt. Though, there have been days where I haven't hurt as much or the pain was gone. I am starting to realize that I don't have much of a choice of not living the gospel and yet, I don't always feel satisfied by it. I just feel calm.
So the things that I noticed. My dear co-worker, Carolyn loves me. She is always bring food to share with me and I bring food for her. It is so wonderful that she is so kind and caring towards me. She really does care for me. And I haven't really noticed it till now. I am so blessed to be watched over by her.
That day, we had a sports challenge and a whole bunch of companies around the valley came to participate and give us money. Most of the teams, were from Adobe. They were mostly attractive men, with nasty attitudes. As I was walking across the fields, I imagined seeing Trevor and Cory on the field playing the games. They are men that can function in this world so well. It made me smile to think that they would be working for a major company like Adobe and would spend some free time doing charity work. I also felt the looks of some of those men, looking at me like I was nobody. It's funny because Carolyn filmed a video of me cheering on our staff, while playing dodgeball. I was so uncomfortable and so weird... I hopped and kicked back one leg. GAY! ... ugh.... I am so feminine sometimes. I'm an outsider always. I should just get used to it.
Then I got off work early and was just depressed. I went to the pool and sun bathed. I realized that laying out in the sun just brings me such happiness. It reminds me of the times in Vegas, with Lindsay Sommer. We would lay out each Friday afternoon and talk about our week and crushes. I was so happy in Las Vegas! I got a good tan, talked with Boo Boo Kitty and played in the pool. Boo Boo Kitty left and I stayed to just take a nap in the sun.
Then I went and had dinner with one of my dearest friends Christie Cox. She took me out to dinner for my birthday. We spoke about her life and mine. She told me a couple weeks ago that she is wanting to go to the temple and I told her that I was a pineapple. She asked how I function everyday with my thoughts, the ache, the loneliness. I told her that I cry a lot and go to the Temple twice a week. She started to cry. She said that she felt so bad as a friend. You see, when I left Vegas, she was having some serious issues with addiction with her anti-depressants and alcohol. People were talking a lot of crap about her and I remained silent and spoke to her often to help her out of her rehab. She said that I was such a great help and support and she wanted to be like that for me. She just cried for a little bit more and I thanked her. I thanked her that she has been so kind to me. I remember when we first met and she was so nice to me. Of course I wanted to keep my friendship with her. She gave me a birthday present of a panda box that keeps coins. I love it! She is so wonderful! She told me that I was one of the strongest people that she has ever met. I love her dearly.
Then I went to a co-workers home. He wanted to give me his planter boxes because he was moving and where he is moving, won't allow for the planter boxes. He is a pineapple and is moving in with his lover. I like him and his bf. I met his old roommate and he was a very unpleasant person. He is a short man with lots of muscles, insecure and just joined the police force! He lied to me about why he joined the force. I can't stand boys who like to assert themselves on others under the guise of righteousness. And he is addicted to porn and is getting married. I just got a horrible vibe from him and his BS.
Taylor, his bf and I went to dinner and shared our feelings about life. They asked me how my nun life was doing. I told them that it is hard, but I have good people in my life. I have a hard time being friends with normal boys. It is a learning experience for sure. Then they told me of a guy that they wanted me to get to know. They asked my type and I told them really, I like tall people and people who are about my height. They wanted to go to this guys place in S. Utah and enjoy his company. I was really excited because he's cute and is tall! Taylor told me more about him and I got really excited! He seems like a person that I could love and he love me in return!
When I was finished with my dinner, I sent a text to Cory and Trevor to look at Peter and see if they could tell me what they saw in him. I wanted them to practice their discernment gift that is growing. Cory could see countenance, Trevor could see attributes. Cory responded with annoyance and frustration with me and I felt he scolded me. Trevor seemed to be very disappointed with me and scolded me but in a nicer way.
I couldn't bare listening to Cory's point of view. He was telling me to get it together. That I need to just keep consistent. He told me that power, peace and comfort can come from reading the Book of Mormon. He's not wrong in that. I just want a break from revelation. I have learned that you are responsible for the answers received. Since my answers are so clear, I am held responsible. He asked me that I wanted to not hear God anymore. I told him, pretty much. Then he told me that living the gospel brings peace and happiness. I told him that I don't agree. I have lived the gospel and I have lived in sin. I am not satisfied with either. I have learned that you're screwed if you sin, you're screwed if you're good. Cory's response was, Why would I want to face challenges on my own, vs being supported by the divine. I told him that it still hurts doing either. I told him that I am hurting all the time. I told him that I would want to do this alone because I could deal with the challenge on my own time. Cory then said to me that that was stupid, in a nice way. I ended the conversation after that. He had told me earlier that he was headed to bed. He needs sleep or he gets snappy. So I told him that I was letting him go and hung up. He texted me and said that he was sorry for not having empathy. I was really mad. I am still mad at him. He knows nothing of how I feel. Granted, he has told me that a lot, but I am just mad. Lady-boys and He-men don't mix. He means well, but he's mean sometimes.
Then when I got home, my neighbor came over and told me that he's a pineapple too and just wanted to share with me how he felt about his life and how he is dealing with it. He said the same thing I did... that he wasn't satisfied with living the gospel or living in sin. I realized that I am a strong individual. I am far more resilient and stronger than most people. And my neighbor is struggling if he can live a life true to himself. I feel for him, though, it brings me a lot of comfort to know that he can find peace with talking to me. It's nice to hear of the struggles of another that you can relate too.
Traci was texting me and was trying to be the best person that he can be. I wasn't going to have it so he called me. I shared with him how I felt about Peter and Cory. He told me that he noticed that I get in a cycle where I was being flirty with this person and found out that Bryson wasn't on my team... I just spiraled into shame and horribleness. Trevor is so kind to me. Though, he spoke to me in an ugly tone and he is not allowed to speak to me like that. I will admit, because I care for him so, I endure it. It is a way that he knows how to show love. I know Trevor loves me. I love him too. He just told me that going to meet Peter, will bring situations that will ruin me. He told me that I need to be in a position where I can be stronger than I am right now. He noticed that I get really sad and depressed and cry out of injustice when I feel cheated. He told me that Cory is right and that I should submit. He also shared with me that Cory see's himself as a servant to a King, in regards to the gospel. I do not. Trevor said that Cory speaks to me like I am a servant too and keep up like he is. But that doesn't work when I feel I am not a servant to the King. I am a unicorn, a prize in the Kings court, not a servant.
I am in need of such repentance. I am not staying consistent to my covenants. I need to be better. So much better. I can't be willy nilly with relationships with people or careless with myself. But it is hard to be nice to myself and a paradigm. In one breath, I am amazing. In the next, I am nothing.
Being a nun is really the only way that I could become something worthwhile. I am not in need of the feelings of attraction. The feelings of attraction will only lead me down the road of losing my gifts and becoming a casualty of war. I am in sore need of repentance and humility.
May it be, that I can be the best person that I can be. ..
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Silver Lining 2
Dear Deylsia,
Today has been a crazy day. I have been really mad today. I learned that my friend was fired because she was deemed as not being a team player. So some of her co-workers threw her underneath the bus, when they weren't do their job. They made my friend Luscious be the scapegoat! What pissed me off even more was the fact that there is a dude that works in my department that is getting paid $15 an hour to chat and watch YouTube videos. He does NOTHING! And for some reason we can't fire him because he's needed. And yet in the same breath, we can fire a woman that worked miracles round and round over him and many of her team! It pisses me off how shady and political things can be in my job! I hate politics in the work place. Naturally, everyone has been watching me like a hawk because Luscious and I went to school together. So the CEO came to speak to my boss to have him tell me to keep my mouth shut.
I hate pretending. I don't pretend for very long! It just makes me sick inside to have to be nice to people who make 'business' decisions over shady information. I am starting to hate to work where I work. I also work with the lady who questions everyone's expertise, but can't be questioned. All of us on our management team hate when she opens her mouth. She can never be wrong or defied.
Overall, I have just been hurting. Traci, told me that I needed to pray about what I need to be doing with my friend Cory and what I should do about my ward. The Lord that I need to stay in contact with Cory on a daily basis and that I can stay with my ward for a bit longer. The Lord said that He'll let me know when I can leave that ward and move on. He also said that I need to stop resisting my blessings. I need to be constant with being supportive with all the Orchids. He told me that there is good lessons to be learned with keeping in contact with them. I forget that Cory is the one that suggested that we speak daily.
I know, I know what you're thinking. I'm stupid and I'm being very mechanical with my relationships with people. It doesn't make sense to you that the relationships that I build are a parent/child relationship. I am too afraid to really attach. I keep going back and forth, back and forth. I'm afraid to really invest. I mean, I enjoy talking to the orchids. However, thinking about how things move on and change, I almost never what to get all that involved anyway. Trevor is kind enough to just encourage me to just enjoy things as they are. I don't know what it is like to be in a relationship with an equal. I am not sure that I can learn that from the Orchids. We are equals in ability and the immensity of influence, but it's not the same in human relationships. At least, it doesn't seem like that in my mind.
Delysia, I don't know any other way. And I don't want to make the same mistakes that I made with Tristan. I think I am doing a really good job at being put together and not really relying on them too much. I hide a lot of things from them. I keep a lot of my thoughts to myself and my feelings. I am not supposed to do that, but I do it. I think that is why I'm so afraid to interact with them in person, they can watch and see. I draw comfort in being able to distract them. It is hard to interact with guys. I don't think of myself as one of them. That may be a huge issue to jump over.
I sort of feel like this whole journey of mine is to change me to be more like a man of God. I don't like that idea. I almost wish there wasn't any thing as gender. I could be anything that I wanted to be and be free to be who I wanted. Sadly, that isn't the case.
I am shaming myself again Delysia. I do that too much. Ha ha ha. I laugh at myself because in one breath, I am so amazing and then in the next breath, I'm nothing. It's hard trying to find a place in the life I have chosen. I don't know the line where I should just be content and then move forward to grow. Cory tells me often that good things are coming. He felt very strongly that I'll have wonderful, good things happen to me, that will help me feel worthwhile and find joy. It's funny, when I think about his words to me, I feel the Spirit.
I suppose the blessing that I had today was: As I was hurting and being angry about how the things I adore and cling to for security are being shuffled away from me of my own free choosing, donations came in. A family brought in a large amount of clothes and I watch how a good friend of mine, a co-worker, Nikki with 2 K's cause one K is eeww, bend down and her face just started to light up. She was so excited to bring clothes to a family that would just love clothes. It brought me a bright sense of hope. It reminded me of the things that I like to do, thinking of things that would bring a sense of worth and happiness as a surprise to another. Cory did that to me the other day. He sent me a painting just out of the blue. Trevor spent so much time in making me the beautiful doll.
... sigh....
I suppose I am thinking far too much and worrying about things that don't matter. Writing you, brings a sense of peace to the roaring oceans of my emotions. I am happy that you're here. I can just say what I wish and feel validated. You don't talk back, but I feel cared for. You're only mine. I'm grateful that at least you haven't completely died Delysia.
Funny note, I feel old, tired and fat. I looked into the mirror today and thought: Hello Rose. You look awful today. HAAHAHAHAHA.... The future is coming true! HAHAHAHAAHAHA
Beauty fades... hopefully I'll be prepared for #3. Who I think it will be is bothering me... because I don't want another challenge and yet, that is what is supposed to be... someone that will drive me up the wall and I them. ... MAN being the best Magic Mirror sucks sometimes.... Why couldn't I have been Khalessi, Warrior of Dragons?!... because I'm a witch, not a queen!... bWHAHAHAHA... but maybe a little bit a queen! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... OH Delysia! How I miss you so!
Today has been a crazy day. I have been really mad today. I learned that my friend was fired because she was deemed as not being a team player. So some of her co-workers threw her underneath the bus, when they weren't do their job. They made my friend Luscious be the scapegoat! What pissed me off even more was the fact that there is a dude that works in my department that is getting paid $15 an hour to chat and watch YouTube videos. He does NOTHING! And for some reason we can't fire him because he's needed. And yet in the same breath, we can fire a woman that worked miracles round and round over him and many of her team! It pisses me off how shady and political things can be in my job! I hate politics in the work place. Naturally, everyone has been watching me like a hawk because Luscious and I went to school together. So the CEO came to speak to my boss to have him tell me to keep my mouth shut.
I hate pretending. I don't pretend for very long! It just makes me sick inside to have to be nice to people who make 'business' decisions over shady information. I am starting to hate to work where I work. I also work with the lady who questions everyone's expertise, but can't be questioned. All of us on our management team hate when she opens her mouth. She can never be wrong or defied.
Overall, I have just been hurting. Traci, told me that I needed to pray about what I need to be doing with my friend Cory and what I should do about my ward. The Lord that I need to stay in contact with Cory on a daily basis and that I can stay with my ward for a bit longer. The Lord said that He'll let me know when I can leave that ward and move on. He also said that I need to stop resisting my blessings. I need to be constant with being supportive with all the Orchids. He told me that there is good lessons to be learned with keeping in contact with them. I forget that Cory is the one that suggested that we speak daily.
I know, I know what you're thinking. I'm stupid and I'm being very mechanical with my relationships with people. It doesn't make sense to you that the relationships that I build are a parent/child relationship. I am too afraid to really attach. I keep going back and forth, back and forth. I'm afraid to really invest. I mean, I enjoy talking to the orchids. However, thinking about how things move on and change, I almost never what to get all that involved anyway. Trevor is kind enough to just encourage me to just enjoy things as they are. I don't know what it is like to be in a relationship with an equal. I am not sure that I can learn that from the Orchids. We are equals in ability and the immensity of influence, but it's not the same in human relationships. At least, it doesn't seem like that in my mind.
Delysia, I don't know any other way. And I don't want to make the same mistakes that I made with Tristan. I think I am doing a really good job at being put together and not really relying on them too much. I hide a lot of things from them. I keep a lot of my thoughts to myself and my feelings. I am not supposed to do that, but I do it. I think that is why I'm so afraid to interact with them in person, they can watch and see. I draw comfort in being able to distract them. It is hard to interact with guys. I don't think of myself as one of them. That may be a huge issue to jump over.
I sort of feel like this whole journey of mine is to change me to be more like a man of God. I don't like that idea. I almost wish there wasn't any thing as gender. I could be anything that I wanted to be and be free to be who I wanted. Sadly, that isn't the case.
I am shaming myself again Delysia. I do that too much. Ha ha ha. I laugh at myself because in one breath, I am so amazing and then in the next breath, I'm nothing. It's hard trying to find a place in the life I have chosen. I don't know the line where I should just be content and then move forward to grow. Cory tells me often that good things are coming. He felt very strongly that I'll have wonderful, good things happen to me, that will help me feel worthwhile and find joy. It's funny, when I think about his words to me, I feel the Spirit.
I suppose the blessing that I had today was: As I was hurting and being angry about how the things I adore and cling to for security are being shuffled away from me of my own free choosing, donations came in. A family brought in a large amount of clothes and I watch how a good friend of mine, a co-worker, Nikki with 2 K's cause one K is eeww, bend down and her face just started to light up. She was so excited to bring clothes to a family that would just love clothes. It brought me a bright sense of hope. It reminded me of the things that I like to do, thinking of things that would bring a sense of worth and happiness as a surprise to another. Cory did that to me the other day. He sent me a painting just out of the blue. Trevor spent so much time in making me the beautiful doll.
... sigh....
I suppose I am thinking far too much and worrying about things that don't matter. Writing you, brings a sense of peace to the roaring oceans of my emotions. I am happy that you're here. I can just say what I wish and feel validated. You don't talk back, but I feel cared for. You're only mine. I'm grateful that at least you haven't completely died Delysia.
Funny note, I feel old, tired and fat. I looked into the mirror today and thought: Hello Rose. You look awful today. HAAHAHAHAHA.... The future is coming true! HAHAHAHAAHAHA
Beauty fades... hopefully I'll be prepared for #3. Who I think it will be is bothering me... because I don't want another challenge and yet, that is what is supposed to be... someone that will drive me up the wall and I them. ... MAN being the best Magic Mirror sucks sometimes.... Why couldn't I have been Khalessi, Warrior of Dragons?!... because I'm a witch, not a queen!... bWHAHAHAHA... but maybe a little bit a queen! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... OH Delysia! How I miss you so!
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
Foresight
Dear Delysia,
So today had been a rather blah day. I have really been yearning to be in a relationship. Though, the Lord has told me that, that cannot happen. I just yearn for validation and affection.
The funny thing is, today, I saw a co-worker, Richard. He's a wonderful person. He's a shorty little man with a heart of gold. Though, it is hard for him to want to show that heart of gold. He's been sick recently and I have been trying to be nice by giving him tea and natural medicines. He was starting to feel bad and asked that he hated that I was feeling obligated to help him. I told him that I was asking to assist, not him asking me. He never asks for help. Then he said that he wanted to pay me for my kindness. I was snarky and told him that he could pay me back with smiles and compliments! HAHAHAHAAaaa... I'm a tease!
*********************
I have been so impressed both Traci and Cory Beth are learning the gift of Discernment. I spoke with Cory and he found the girl that he is supposed to get help from. I told him awhile back of a girl with long, brown curly hair with a name that started with a C. The first girl that he showed me was not her. Then the second girl that he showed me was her. The first pic that he sent me was a pic of her on wooden elephants. That was the picture that I saw. What was even more funny is that he said, he felt impressed to show me that one in particular. BOOM!
Today, Cory Beth got a lot of answers about what he should be doing. He was told that he shouldn't be as physically intimate with girls he's seeing. He was also told very little about Troy. The most that he was told is that Troy is supposed to be in his life for a specific reason. He is supposed to foster a relationship with Troy. That is why Troy is there, because he is supposed to be there. Cory needs to help Troy come back to who he was. Cory was also told that the girl with the C name, he needs to look at her FaceBook and discern from there what she has to offer. He is still unsure what he is supposed to learn from her. He asked me if Cory is supposed to help her. The thoughts that came to my mind was that he isn't in a position to help her so much as she is for him. It will be a challenge. Cory mentioned that he saw that her countenance was darkened from her mission to now. He felt like something bad had happened to her. Then lastly, he was told somethings about what his mission is in life and what he should go about doing. He was hesitant to share with me what those things are. He said that he needed to think about it and pray more about what he was given.
Both Cory and Traci are learning how to use Discernment. That gift is flowing to them. The thought that came to me while I was talking to Cory was, I don't think I need to be talking to Cory as much. Though, that was my own personal thought, not of the divine. I was also thinking, Cory and Trevor don't need me anymore. They are learning the gift that I have, discernment. I don't offer anything unique to them. Once they have learned it, I have nothing left to give or share of importance. Cory was nice by responding that I don't need to be a magic mirror and be a friend. He asked that I should write him a message about how I have been doing and that I should not just disappear. I made no promise. He was annoyed and responded that I should just do it anyway. I didn't write him a message. He has a lot to do. Time will always be a precious resource that he won't have a lot of. I feel like the fading to the background is happening faster than I thought. It makes me feel meh.
I know, I know I'm being difficult. I should ask to have my heart softened and stop being a stink. It's hard. It's hard when I'm feeling meh. I'm tired too.
Trevor has been kind enough to share with me that I should learn from his mistakes. I should do what I feel like I should be doing. He said that he felt like he should have left his job a month ago and resisted it. Now he's been told that the Lord won't let him stay there anymore and moving to Utah is the place that God wants him to be. Trevor learned that he hasn't been improving for the past 2 years and he's likely to be fired if he doesn't leave on his own terms. So he told me that it is time to move on in life and stop clinging to the past. He used my words against me, 'When we're living the way that we should, all things that happen to us, is how it should be, good or bad.'
I am resisting my blessings again. I don't want to keep in contact with Cory. I want Trevor to forget about me and I want to fade into oblivion with plants and animals and to die alone in the wood somewhere or catch some disease in India living a life of a nun.
I need to pray and ask God for help and assistance. I can't go a day or two without speaking to Him or relying on Him.
So today had been a rather blah day. I have really been yearning to be in a relationship. Though, the Lord has told me that, that cannot happen. I just yearn for validation and affection.
The funny thing is, today, I saw a co-worker, Richard. He's a wonderful person. He's a shorty little man with a heart of gold. Though, it is hard for him to want to show that heart of gold. He's been sick recently and I have been trying to be nice by giving him tea and natural medicines. He was starting to feel bad and asked that he hated that I was feeling obligated to help him. I told him that I was asking to assist, not him asking me. He never asks for help. Then he said that he wanted to pay me for my kindness. I was snarky and told him that he could pay me back with smiles and compliments! HAHAHAHAAaaa... I'm a tease!
*********************
I have been so impressed both Traci and Cory Beth are learning the gift of Discernment. I spoke with Cory and he found the girl that he is supposed to get help from. I told him awhile back of a girl with long, brown curly hair with a name that started with a C. The first girl that he showed me was not her. Then the second girl that he showed me was her. The first pic that he sent me was a pic of her on wooden elephants. That was the picture that I saw. What was even more funny is that he said, he felt impressed to show me that one in particular. BOOM!
Today, Cory Beth got a lot of answers about what he should be doing. He was told that he shouldn't be as physically intimate with girls he's seeing. He was also told very little about Troy. The most that he was told is that Troy is supposed to be in his life for a specific reason. He is supposed to foster a relationship with Troy. That is why Troy is there, because he is supposed to be there. Cory needs to help Troy come back to who he was. Cory was also told that the girl with the C name, he needs to look at her FaceBook and discern from there what she has to offer. He is still unsure what he is supposed to learn from her. He asked me if Cory is supposed to help her. The thoughts that came to my mind was that he isn't in a position to help her so much as she is for him. It will be a challenge. Cory mentioned that he saw that her countenance was darkened from her mission to now. He felt like something bad had happened to her. Then lastly, he was told somethings about what his mission is in life and what he should go about doing. He was hesitant to share with me what those things are. He said that he needed to think about it and pray more about what he was given.
Both Cory and Traci are learning how to use Discernment. That gift is flowing to them. The thought that came to me while I was talking to Cory was, I don't think I need to be talking to Cory as much. Though, that was my own personal thought, not of the divine. I was also thinking, Cory and Trevor don't need me anymore. They are learning the gift that I have, discernment. I don't offer anything unique to them. Once they have learned it, I have nothing left to give or share of importance. Cory was nice by responding that I don't need to be a magic mirror and be a friend. He asked that I should write him a message about how I have been doing and that I should not just disappear. I made no promise. He was annoyed and responded that I should just do it anyway. I didn't write him a message. He has a lot to do. Time will always be a precious resource that he won't have a lot of. I feel like the fading to the background is happening faster than I thought. It makes me feel meh.
I know, I know I'm being difficult. I should ask to have my heart softened and stop being a stink. It's hard. It's hard when I'm feeling meh. I'm tired too.
Trevor has been kind enough to share with me that I should learn from his mistakes. I should do what I feel like I should be doing. He said that he felt like he should have left his job a month ago and resisted it. Now he's been told that the Lord won't let him stay there anymore and moving to Utah is the place that God wants him to be. Trevor learned that he hasn't been improving for the past 2 years and he's likely to be fired if he doesn't leave on his own terms. So he told me that it is time to move on in life and stop clinging to the past. He used my words against me, 'When we're living the way that we should, all things that happen to us, is how it should be, good or bad.'
I am resisting my blessings again. I don't want to keep in contact with Cory. I want Trevor to forget about me and I want to fade into oblivion with plants and animals and to die alone in the wood somewhere or catch some disease in India living a life of a nun.
I need to pray and ask God for help and assistance. I can't go a day or two without speaking to Him or relying on Him.
Greener on the Other Side
Dear Delysia,
Today, I have struggled a little bit. I have been good for the most part. I bore my testimony about how I believe that the Church is true, that when we live in a way is righteous, that all things that happen to us, are supposed to happen, whether we like it or not. I also bore testimony of me receiving revelation, feeling peace and feeling the influence of the Spirit of God. I have a lot to be happy and grateful for. I can see glimpses of the future. My spiritual gifts are amazing.
It has been hard, because my Best Friend Cousin, has been hurting lately. He feels after people very deeply. I love him. He remind me of a puppy. He just needs attention, love and petting and he is fine after awhile. His true nature is just pure love. But recently he's been struggling with when and how his blessings and promises will occur.
He was given a lot of information a couple of days ago. He told me that J felt the Spirit around him. She remembered who she used to be, she remembered that she was happy. He was also told that he gave her the strength to leave her current boyfriend. He was also told that J stayed around because she wanted to stay close to the Spirit that he brought! :*) He was told that he struggles with holding to revelation because he rationalizes a lot. He was also told that he would get all that was promised to him. He was promised that he is supposed to go thru this because he needs to learn how to use discernment! He needs to see people as they really are. He needs to see others and needs to know how the Lord feels when they choose not to come back. The Lord loves J far more than Traci does.
I find that so interesting. Cory is learning discernment too. He is learning to hear the voice of God with it about people. Trevor is beginning to see them as they really are. I can see the past, present and future. I have learned all good things come at a price. I am to be alone for the rest of my mortal days, Trevor feels really deeply. Cory, I have yet to learn his price. I am sure I will.
He sort of yelled at me and spoke to me in an ugly way because he was holding on to a moment where he felt the Spirit and the things that he felt good about didn't pan out. Therefore he felt that could be the same with J coming back. I was sort of mad about that. He has had plenty of forms of 'proof' that God is on his side and wanting to help him. God ALWAYS keeps his promises! I held my tongue and then told Traci that he has had plenty of moments that were good and moments that were bad to cling too. I told him that if he wanted to cling to the bad, then do it. But he has had more good happen to him than not.
He is so much better now. :) He brings me a lot of happiness.
Another blessing was, my brakes got fixed today for $80. I have saved so much money on my car repairs! That is something that I have prayed for and BOOM! It has happened!
I went to a company retreat at a Ropes course! It was so much fun! But I realized that I would like to do these types of things with my loved ones. But I won't have loved ones to do those types of things with. At least those things won't be mine. It will be like my nieces or nephews.
I was just feeling meh. Meh is not always good. I just don't care.
Today, I have struggled a little bit. I have been good for the most part. I bore my testimony about how I believe that the Church is true, that when we live in a way is righteous, that all things that happen to us, are supposed to happen, whether we like it or not. I also bore testimony of me receiving revelation, feeling peace and feeling the influence of the Spirit of God. I have a lot to be happy and grateful for. I can see glimpses of the future. My spiritual gifts are amazing.
It has been hard, because my Best Friend Cousin, has been hurting lately. He feels after people very deeply. I love him. He remind me of a puppy. He just needs attention, love and petting and he is fine after awhile. His true nature is just pure love. But recently he's been struggling with when and how his blessings and promises will occur.
He was given a lot of information a couple of days ago. He told me that J felt the Spirit around him. She remembered who she used to be, she remembered that she was happy. He was also told that he gave her the strength to leave her current boyfriend. He was also told that J stayed around because she wanted to stay close to the Spirit that he brought! :*) He was told that he struggles with holding to revelation because he rationalizes a lot. He was also told that he would get all that was promised to him. He was promised that he is supposed to go thru this because he needs to learn how to use discernment! He needs to see people as they really are. He needs to see others and needs to know how the Lord feels when they choose not to come back. The Lord loves J far more than Traci does.
I find that so interesting. Cory is learning discernment too. He is learning to hear the voice of God with it about people. Trevor is beginning to see them as they really are. I can see the past, present and future. I have learned all good things come at a price. I am to be alone for the rest of my mortal days, Trevor feels really deeply. Cory, I have yet to learn his price. I am sure I will.
He sort of yelled at me and spoke to me in an ugly way because he was holding on to a moment where he felt the Spirit and the things that he felt good about didn't pan out. Therefore he felt that could be the same with J coming back. I was sort of mad about that. He has had plenty of forms of 'proof' that God is on his side and wanting to help him. God ALWAYS keeps his promises! I held my tongue and then told Traci that he has had plenty of moments that were good and moments that were bad to cling too. I told him that if he wanted to cling to the bad, then do it. But he has had more good happen to him than not.
He is so much better now. :) He brings me a lot of happiness.
Another blessing was, my brakes got fixed today for $80. I have saved so much money on my car repairs! That is something that I have prayed for and BOOM! It has happened!
I went to a company retreat at a Ropes course! It was so much fun! But I realized that I would like to do these types of things with my loved ones. But I won't have loved ones to do those types of things with. At least those things won't be mine. It will be like my nieces or nephews.
I was just feeling meh. Meh is not always good. I just don't care.
Thursday, June 2, 2016
Good Thoughts for June 2
Dear Deylsia,
Today and the past couple of days have been really good. It is amazing how doing simple things can change my perception about things.
First and foremost, I have come to terms that I'm going to be an old, single cat lady, name Old Aunt Rose. Second, now that I've come to terms with that, I feel better. There is nothing that I can do about it but make the best with what I've been given.
I noticed on Tuesday, when I went to the Temple. I was just filled with such peace and serenity. My whole day I was really just happy. Nothing really amazing happened to me, I was just at peace. I heard people talking about families, babies, marriage, engagements and what not, and I wasn't phased. I will have to attribute it to being at the Temple and feeling the power that comes from that building!
Today I went to the Temple again. I went to go with my cousin, Boo Boo Kitty. I didn't get any sleep last night either. I didn't get any sleep because my Best Friend Cousin, told me that he received some answers about his life from going to the Temple as well. He told me all these wonderful things, like:
1. He rationalizes his blessings too much
2. He will see his sign on his trip to Lake Powell
Today and the past couple of days have been really good. It is amazing how doing simple things can change my perception about things.
First and foremost, I have come to terms that I'm going to be an old, single cat lady, name Old Aunt Rose. Second, now that I've come to terms with that, I feel better. There is nothing that I can do about it but make the best with what I've been given.
I noticed on Tuesday, when I went to the Temple. I was just filled with such peace and serenity. My whole day I was really just happy. Nothing really amazing happened to me, I was just at peace. I heard people talking about families, babies, marriage, engagements and what not, and I wasn't phased. I will have to attribute it to being at the Temple and feeling the power that comes from that building!
Today I went to the Temple again. I went to go with my cousin, Boo Boo Kitty. I didn't get any sleep last night either. I didn't get any sleep because my Best Friend Cousin, told me that he received some answers about his life from going to the Temple as well. He told me all these wonderful things, like:
1. He rationalizes his blessings too much
2. He will see his sign on his trip to Lake Powell
3. He is moving to Utah
4. He can get back with his Ex Girl 80, in 3 weeks if he wants too.
5. Ms. J is coming back to date him somehow.
I was completely excited, that I couldn't sleep. I just tossed and turned about all this information. Traci's blessings are coming true! His blessings are coming true this month!!! I should probably get ready for a wedding at the end of this year!
So I went to the Temple today. Boo Boo Kitty didn't make it. She forgot her recommend and was stopped at the door. I just sat in the room, prayed for comfort and peace. Again, I felt that strong sense of peace and serenity in that building. When she didn't show up, I started to leave and there she was, at the door, waiting to be admitted. We talked a little bit and then off I went to work.
The blessing that came to me today was, a guy in my neighborhood posted that he does mechanic work on the side. A friend, Lindsey S. posted that she had him do stuff for her and it really made me want him to do things for me too. He came to my workplace, I had the supplies and he changed my oil and made the engine light go off with a simple repair. He is Native American, so I had to give him something more than just money. I only paid $20 for the oil change. He did a great job! So I am going to have him do my breaks. I just need to buy the supplies again and he'll put new rotors and break pads! This is such a blessing because I have saved hundreds of dollars with his talents! Now I don't need to spend a ridiculous amount of money on a mechanic! I just need safety inspection and register my car... PERFECT!
Then, while I was driving to work again, I realized how much Lindsey's vouch for Tyrone really meant to me. I realized how much of a wonderful person she is. She is amazing, ,AMAZING! She is so nice and wonderful. I mean, I can't say enough good, wonderful things about her. So I called her and left her a voice message. I was getting choked up about it because there was no other way for me to express my gratitude for her kindness and considerations. I am so lucky to be surrounded by genuinely nice, good, thoughtful people!
On another note, Traci has been whining about his choices. He makes me laugh. He whines a lot when he's unsure about things. I've come to the point where I don't care what happens, as long as he is happy. I dread the thought of him marrying 80, yet it seems like the only way for him to find happiness. He has been whining about how he misses her. I think to myself, Really? That axe wound, you miss so much?.... bluugh! I hate her so much! But I am consigned to accept whatever he decides.
Also, I forgot to mention that I knew of this person coming to work today and I wanted to make sure that I looked extra good. The best feature about me, is my flawless skin! That is about it! HAHAAHAHa. So I made sure that I looked really nice and professional and met that person that I found very attractive. Nothing happened. As it should be.
It is strange sometimes to watch people participate in things that I can't. It's funny to see how people function better when they are in romantic relationships vs. being single. I have found that people are better selves when they are with another. It is so strange. Yet, there are plenty of people who are able to find the beauty inside themselves without another.
... that is probably the bitter part of me talking.... sigh.... I still have more work to do.
I miss you Delysia, so MUCH!
4. He can get back with his Ex Girl 80, in 3 weeks if he wants too.
5. Ms. J is coming back to date him somehow.
I was completely excited, that I couldn't sleep. I just tossed and turned about all this information. Traci's blessings are coming true! His blessings are coming true this month!!! I should probably get ready for a wedding at the end of this year!
So I went to the Temple today. Boo Boo Kitty didn't make it. She forgot her recommend and was stopped at the door. I just sat in the room, prayed for comfort and peace. Again, I felt that strong sense of peace and serenity in that building. When she didn't show up, I started to leave and there she was, at the door, waiting to be admitted. We talked a little bit and then off I went to work.
The blessing that came to me today was, a guy in my neighborhood posted that he does mechanic work on the side. A friend, Lindsey S. posted that she had him do stuff for her and it really made me want him to do things for me too. He came to my workplace, I had the supplies and he changed my oil and made the engine light go off with a simple repair. He is Native American, so I had to give him something more than just money. I only paid $20 for the oil change. He did a great job! So I am going to have him do my breaks. I just need to buy the supplies again and he'll put new rotors and break pads! This is such a blessing because I have saved hundreds of dollars with his talents! Now I don't need to spend a ridiculous amount of money on a mechanic! I just need safety inspection and register my car... PERFECT!
Then, while I was driving to work again, I realized how much Lindsey's vouch for Tyrone really meant to me. I realized how much of a wonderful person she is. She is amazing, ,AMAZING! She is so nice and wonderful. I mean, I can't say enough good, wonderful things about her. So I called her and left her a voice message. I was getting choked up about it because there was no other way for me to express my gratitude for her kindness and considerations. I am so lucky to be surrounded by genuinely nice, good, thoughtful people!
On another note, Traci has been whining about his choices. He makes me laugh. He whines a lot when he's unsure about things. I've come to the point where I don't care what happens, as long as he is happy. I dread the thought of him marrying 80, yet it seems like the only way for him to find happiness. He has been whining about how he misses her. I think to myself, Really? That axe wound, you miss so much?.... bluugh! I hate her so much! But I am consigned to accept whatever he decides.
Also, I forgot to mention that I knew of this person coming to work today and I wanted to make sure that I looked extra good. The best feature about me, is my flawless skin! That is about it! HAHAAHAHa. So I made sure that I looked really nice and professional and met that person that I found very attractive. Nothing happened. As it should be.
It is strange sometimes to watch people participate in things that I can't. It's funny to see how people function better when they are in romantic relationships vs. being single. I have found that people are better selves when they are with another. It is so strange. Yet, there are plenty of people who are able to find the beauty inside themselves without another.
... that is probably the bitter part of me talking.... sigh.... I still have more work to do.
I miss you Delysia, so MUCH!
Saturday, May 28, 2016
The Passing of Delysia La Fosse
Today was the saddest day that I have had in a long time. Almost as painful and loss as when I found out my step-dad was in prison. My dearest friend, Delysia died today. Delysia was a woman that was tall, strong, independent, gorgeous, smart. She was everything that I wish I could be. She was everything I wish I could be, for Delysia was the name of my Drag persona. I gave her up today when I packed up her things and put her aside in the trash. I cried. Believe me I cried and cried. It is as if she was a real person from who I was. I loved her because she made me feel free. When I painted on her face, I saw someone who was beautiful, who was worthwhile. When I put on her clothes, I felt comfortable, attractive and strong. When I put on the hair and scented perfume, it completed the look. I was perfect. I was beautiful. I was someone that people would love to meet, want to know, would find attractive, who find her to be worthwhile. I loved being her because all my actions, behaviors and mannerisms matched what I looked like, a woman. I felt free. Oh man, did I feel so free and myself in that illusion! I felt more comfortable in her life in the shadows of night, than I ever did in my real male self. Naturally, how I felt as Delysia, I do not feel as myself. If I was Delysia all the time, I would be married, I would have a family, I would have kids who loved me and I loved them. I would have an equal who cherished me as much as I cherished them. If I was Delysia I would never have known the sorrow and ache as I have felt as Josh. I would be a beautiful woman who was kind, loving, talented, smart, hard working, an envy to the very blossoms of the twilight and dawn. I would be an object of envy and praise. Though, I would always be humble, kind and considerate of others. I would be helpful and supportive of others and their needs. Those things I am now... helping others, but most people find my helping as something else... usually flirting or weird because men don't do those type of supportive roles.
... I was so happy as Delysia. Now, she is dead. I piece of me is gone and will never return. My heart is hallowed out. I feel this ache of loss for something that I loved so dearly... My eyes are all cried out. I feel so empty and I often wish that I could feel nothing. Sometimes that happens, where I feel nothing. Other times, I seek distractions because I feel is pain. The peace and joy is gone. When peace and joy does come, it's like a gentle breeze of night and then gone. The ache or the nothingness comes.
I wanted to write a letter to her to say goodbye:
Dear Delysia,
I am so sorry. I wish I could explain to you how much I miss you! I wish that we could have been together forever. Yet, here I am amiss to where I will find a place to call my own. Without you, I don't know what I can do, what to live for. When I felt alone or afraid, you were there to give me strength. You made everything better when you were around. You were so strong, so wonderful, such a comfort to me in more ways than I can express.
Now, the only thing that keeps me alive is my bodies tear for food, the slams for water, the ache for sleep. You kept me safe. When I was unhappy, you brought me such happiness. You cradled my delicate heart and feelings and convinced me that the night wasn't dark at all.
I am sorry that I had to let you go. I am sorry that I made a promise to never see you again. I am so sorry that we'll never meet again. Please know that I loved you. I will always love you. It is now that we go our separate ways. May it be that my decision to leave you behind will be for the best, because for now I am not so sure, but I keep my word, I keep my promises to the best of my ability.
A piece of me will always be just for you. I will always remember the good that you gave me.
Always,
Joshua
I will miss you....
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